November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Saturday, December 25, 2010

No stocking's hung by the chimney with care

Last year I was up with Jackson, opening presents and showing him what he got from Sanata. He was only a month and half old but I was so excited to have my own little boy for Christmas I didn't care if he would remember. I never thought I would be without him this Christmas.

He had got some really cute pj's that said "What ever santa doesn't bring me, grandma will". I had washed them and put them away for this Christmas. Somehow they never made it into his clothes buckets. When I went into his room there they were, I couldn't believe that he would have been that big.

I miss him so much and especially this time of year. I keep hoping that 2011 will be a better year. I know that it will never be the same without him. I know we still have to get through the day he died but it would be nice if I could sleep through the holidays and wake up the day after.

So to all the baby loss parents, I hope that your Christmas is ok and that the new year is a little brighter. That you are able to relax and watch your future children grow and that the people around you will still recognize and say the name of the children that are no longer with us.
Merry Christmas to everyone, I hope you all find peace and hope in the new year.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


I love books. I think they are the best present to give, and the best present to get. For Christmas I give books to the kids I know. Why do they need another toy. Toys don't ignite the imagination, they don't encourage children want to learn. Even for Christmas I gave Jackson books.

The one thing I wish I had more of when Jackson was alive was children's books. Tim would read to my belly when I was pregnant, but at the time I only had a few. Even when Jackson was born, we read to him at night before we would put him to bed. We only had a few so we would rotate through the 10 or so that we had. After he died I put me energy into aquiring more books.

Scholastic orders have been my curse. They have such great deals on books, 6 great books for $20. So Tim and I have been trying to get through our new library, which I didn't think was that big....I was wrong. We have probably close to 150 books and counting. I have not bought all these books but some of them are our childhood books that are parents have given us. I am in love with my library and can't wait to share it with our children. So when you think about what to get a child...get a book, they don't go out of style, they won't get to old and not want to play with it and they can pass them along to their children.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Minus One

Has anyone seen the Disney commericials recently. The ones where families tell their children they are going to Disney world. They get excited and scream and jump up and down. I can't help but cry every single time I see it, it doesn't even matter if I just watched 2 back to back. Even if I hear it I cry. Whenever I see it I think I want to do that. I want to see my children have the same reaction. Whenever I do I keep realizing that one will be missing. My first born, not there. I could feel sorry for myself but sadly I know that I am not the only parent who feels this way.Family pictures or vacations are always going to be minus one. No one understands us, even if they could imagine the worst thing ever to happen in their lives. Their pain could never compare.

So even in my scrooge state, I still hope for all the peace and happiness for parents who have lost their children. I am so honoured to meet these families, be a part of their lives and read their stories of hope and love. Many of the BLM's that I have met have helped me through these last couple of months. So please enjoy the season as best you can. Peace be with you.

Friday, December 10, 2010

My trip to Dr. OBGYN

Finally my appointment arrived. I have only been waiting for 6 months or so. I was really nervous and wanted Tim to be there but I had already made him skip work to come meet our new family doctor. I also thought I need to start doing some things on my own.

I had to meet with the nurse to go over the reasons I was there and of course we she had to ask me questions about Jackson. I tried to hold it together but I just burst into tears. The poor nurse felt bad but I knew why she had to ask the questions, before she left she said, "don't worry the doctor will be in soon to make you feel better".

The doctor came in and started asking about Jackson again, how he was delivered and how my pregnancy was. Then how my periods were and how often we were having sex. ( On a side note I have talked more about our sex life in the last couple of months then I really thought I ever would). He checked me out and said everything sounded good and looked good. When he was done he told me about my two options. The first was to wait 3 months,and let my periods become shorter like there were before (Which will be helped by my reflexologist). I also need to start exercising and eating better. The other was more aggressive, which involved him going in and scoping my uterus, and taking drugs, etc. I decided that I was going to go with option 1. He agreed that it would be the best, but if I changed my mind to call him and we can do it.

After all of my appointments, I finally got the wake up call I needed. I know that since Jackson has died, I don't exercise as much as I should, or eat healthy at all. So as much as I don't want to admit it I need to take better care of myself, which is what I have been doing. I have filled my fridge with things that you are suppose to be eaten. Were not dieting were just going to follow the Canadian food Guide, and start walking more and spending more time together.

I feel good about the decisions we have made. I am not going to focus to much on getting pregnant and more on being healthy and taking care myself and Tim.

Monday, December 6, 2010


Christmas is...well was my favourite time of year. As soon as it is mid November I am pulling out my tree and all the decorations. Last year I remember putting the lights on the tree and Jackson was in the swing. Our Christmas pictures were taken, Tim even dressed up as Santa. Those are some of my favourite pictures.

Jackson was spoiled last Christmas. I know he was only just about 2 months old and wouldn't remember but he was our first child. Most of the stuff we bought he never got to use and never will. This year I was looking forward to having a one year old who was more interested in the wrapping and boxes instead of the presents.

I have decided to start going to the Mommy meetings again. Hopefully being around other mom's who have dealt with this themselves. So this year there are no stockings, or tree. Next year I will be more in the spirit, but this year I am going to be sgrooge.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bad Things happen in 3's

Yesterday I woke up and I just had a feeling that today was not going to be a great day.

Our basement flooded. Which has happened a couple of times but I thought we finally got it under control. This time it was really bad because normally it contains itself to just the laundry room but this time it was everywhere. I was so mad I wanted to cry. I cried all the way to the rental place to pick up a fan to dry it out. I think I tempted the universe when I yelled that they needed to cut us a break. They had other plans for me that day.

While I was getting the fan my new job called and said they needed me right away because someone had called in sick. I also had a feeling that would happen which is why I had a shower and was ready to go already. When I got to work it was crazy. Which was handled easily. While playing with the children I realized that I had got my period. 4 days early. I couldn't believe it. First of all I got it but 4 days early! I thought ok that is 3 bad things....I was wrong.

Tim being great met me for lunch. As I was coming out I noticed that my tire was flat. All I could say was you have got to be F-ing kidding me. Luckily Tim who was home dealing with the flood was able to stay with the car and change the tire while I went back to work.

So that is 3 is it over I don't know. Luckily there was so much other stuff going on I didn't really have time to dwell on my period coming. I guess that was a blessing in disguise. Later that night I told Tim someday we will laugh about this day. Even now I think it is sort of crazy that all of that happened in one day.

With all of this happening an amazing fertility reflexologist wrote me to ask me if I wanted to be their guinea pig for a new holistic fertility treatment. Of course I said yes and now I just have to wait and hear back from her about it. I also finally found a new doctor, who I am going to meet next week. Then in two weeks I go and meet with the OB that delivered Jackson. I am going to start and get some answers that I have been looking for.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Happy Birthday Jackson

I wish I could say that I remember all the magical things that led up to your arrival but sadly I only have the notes that Grandma has. After the cervadil didn't work the broke my water and put me on the drip. I never realized how much pain I would be in.

I remember you giving us a scared when they couldn't find your heartbeat. I had 6 nurses within 10 seconds at my bedside. They found it and brought in the doctor just to make sure everything was ok. I got them to call my midwife because I needed something to ease the pain.

For 8 hours I laboured trying anything but the epidural. Until the doctor decided that I needed to have it for the labour to progress. The epidural didn't work and I never did dialate. The doctor told me that I needed to have a c-section. I can remember being so upset because that was not how I wanted to have you. Later I found out they were worried about your heartrate dropping all the time.

When I finally got to see you I was so happy. You were safe and sound in daddy's arms. He was so proud to be your daddy. I saw how happy he was. I finally got to hold you in the recovery room. I couldn't stop shaking but I stopped long enough to hold you and kiss you. Grandma Sue kept saying that your eyes looked purple. I kept thinking I can't believe your mine.

You changed our lives forever. Today will always be a special day because you came into this world. Happy Birthday love you always and forever Mommy and Daddy

Monday, November 1, 2010

The last day I was pregnant

A year ago today I got the call that would change the rest of my life. Me being the naive pregnant woman I thought that I would be having a baby that day. (Boy was I wrong). At 7:30 am I jumped out of bed to a nurse asking me," Can you be here in a hour we can fit you in to start inducing you". I have never showered, ate and packed so fast in my life.

When we arrived the doctor told me what he was going to do and then I spent the longest day in the hospital. They gave me some cervadil to help get my cervic's get ready and told me it would be 12 hours before they did the next step. Needless to say I spent the next 24 hours pregnant.

That means tomorrow is the day I have been dreading. The day my beautiful son was brought into this world. Only to stay for 4 months.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Optimistic or just fooling myself

I can honestly say that I have been through a dark period recently. I was a point where I felt like the world didn't understand or even care what I was going through. Work sucked because it was the time I was suppose to go back to work with Jackson. One of the supervisors flipped out because we didn't have a picture of her daughter for her scrapbook. Guess which employee had to bite her tongue. I almost had a "Thank You Card" moment. Then I thought I had lost my 4 day work week which sort of put the nail in the coffin for me. Then I took a week off, I missed work, I missed my co-workers, I missed the kids and they missed me.

Then there is the pregnancy thing. Still workin on it. Friday my period started again. I said a few swear words and cursed the universe for doing this to me. I always use to say that women who said "were taking a break from trying" were just fooling themselves. No one really gives up trying. I know my cycle more then I ever cared to learn. Then Friday happened and I thought now I know why women give up trying. The stress, worry, the anticipation only to have it go to shit. I know now why women give up and they don't fool themselves they do actually give up.

In all this darkness, I had a moment. Last night I was walking with Tim (were walking now so we get out of the house and enjoy the fall air). I thought maybe the universe is doing this just till I get over Jackson's birthday. Maybe I need to get over that hurdle and then good things will come. I really truly thought that good things are coming, but I have to be patient (which is something I am so good at). I hope that I am not fooling myself and that good, great and wonderful things are going to come or maybe after all this I can be optimistic again.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

What I would give

October 21st 2009.

Jackson's due date. I remember it because of the anticipation, waiting for our little boy to arrive. Tim stayed home from work that day. Wishful thinking I guess. While I slept in Tim went online and looked up natural ways to induce labour. When I woke up Tim gave me a massage on the pressure points that would induce labour. They didn't work, or any of the other tricks that came up. I had a midwife appointment that day where she also tried to induce labour herself. We also went over the options that I could do if it came down to going to the hospital to be induced. I told her that I wasn't going anymore then a week over. I couldn't wait any longer to meet Jackson. I remember being so excited, scared and happy.I would give anything to go back to that time. To feel him stretching into my rib cage. To have heartburn so bad that even the mildest of foods would bring it on. I would love to get up and pee 4 times in the night, wake up at 3:30am because my side was numb and I couldn't sleep. What I would give to drink castor oil thinking maybe that would help bring on labour. I would do anything to be pregnant, happy and thankful again. Instead, I am not pregnant, happy or thankful. I should be planning a birthday party not a rememberance. I should be buying up Toys R Us not crying everytime I hear happy birthday. In two weeks I have to relive the happiest day of my life without the one person who made it the happiest day of my life.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

When is it my time...

After Jackson died I went back to work 22 days after it happened. I wish I could say I was ready but I can honestly say I was fooling myself into thinking that. I didn't have a choice at the time because Tim was laid off from his employer because there was no work. So the only choice I had was to go back or lose our house which I was clearly not ready to leave. Then Tim got a job and I was thinking about taking a leave of absence. Then my dog had to have a 450 dollar operation and then the other one had 250 dollar operation. So I thought well maybe I can just take a week off, but as I sit here my boyfriend has been off all week also because there is no work. I am anticipating that it could be for awhile. So again I get put on the back burner. I just want some time. Some time to not pretend that life is going good, to not pretend that everyday is a struggle. I feel like everytime I need to take a me vacation something always stands in my way, its so unfair and I don't know if anyone realizes how much I need the time. Why can't there be a way to do it without feeling guilty, without worry about bills. I wish that it was possible but right now its looking pretty impossible. So next week I will be painting the smile back on my face and going to work because that is all I can do.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I don't know but lately I have been feeling....well lost. I have even decided to go to a counseller. After talking to her she made me feel a little bit better. Saying that I am actually doing pretty good for a women who is going through as much as I am right now. We talked about my frusturation and saddness over not getting pregnant as quickly as I did the last time. She told me exactly what I could have told myself and that my mind and body are at the same level and that once they are I will probably get pregnant. I just have to be patient. Which is not something in my vocabulary as I have stated before.

It is hard though cause I remember that this time last year I was just about to start my maternity leave. I was big and I couldn't chase after the kids at the daycare anymore. I couldn't sit on the floor and play, I was worried I would break one of the little chairs and the heartburn and peeing all the time was getting pretty frequent. Now I go on to facebook (which is the worst invention ever but it does keep us all connected) everyone is pregnant, newly, almost done and just had their babies. Then jelousy rears its wicked head and I can't help it. I don't want to toot my own horn but I was a good pregnant woman. My mom and I spent way to much money on maternity clothes (how I miss elastic waist pants). I was all belly and nothing else, I was lucky and got to wear sandals for most of my late pregnancy so I never had to bend over and do up my shoes. My favourite part was having a built in table to set my food or drinks on. I loved being pregnant (the only reason I didn't at the end was because I just wanted to see Jackson...see patience not my strong point). I even got belly pictures done, which was amazing. Who wouldn't want to remember a time when you helped create a life, watched your belly grow and then at the end you get the most amazing present in the whole entire world. A little baby that you get to watch grow and amaze you ever step of the way.

Then there is me. I only got 4 months.

Monday, September 27, 2010

I'm an IPOD flicker

I know that they tell you in the IPOD instructions not to flick but I do. I flick because I have way to much music and I haven't got around to separate everything into playlists. I flick because I still have music I downloaded for Jackson (listening to sleepy music while driving is not safe). Sometimes when I get to Bob Marley I flick because I am not ready to listen to 3 little birds yet. Well I have been trying to help my best friend who is getting married find music for her wedding. I thought I would try Lady Antebellum. As I am driving this song comes up One Day you Will. I didn't make it through 2 versus before I was balling. With everything that I am going through with Jackson's death and trying to get pregnant I couldn't help but cry. Before I would have probably flicked it too. Now when I get to it, I let it play out because it lets me just get out what I hold in some days.

Lyrics to One Day You Will :
You feel like you’re falling backwards
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet

Repeat Chorus

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of

Repeat Chorus

One day you will
Oh one day you will

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Strongly Worded Thank you card

Let my start by saying, that after Jackson died I was overwhelmed buy the outpouring of love and support from everyone. Food, flowers and in some cases money to help us financially. I mean who sets aside money for their child's funeral, espcially when they are only infants. I figured that thanks was pretty much an assumed in those cases, I believed that you should not have to send out Thank you cards for a funeral. I assumed wrong. After almost 8 months my mom asks me so were you planning on sending out a thank you card for (we will call her Beth). Now my mom only asked because someone kept asking her why they had not gotten a thank you card for the money they had sent. My mom understands where I am coming from and I hope that I can help others understand too.

I am not ungrateful in any capacity. I sent out probably close to 100 thank you cards to everyone for shower gifts and gifts that were bought for Jackson when he was born. To be quite honest I probably finished sending out the last 10 or so in the new year. When Jackson died, my world was shattered. I didn't care if my bills got paid let alone write 100 or so Thank You cards. Why should you write Thank You cards when something like this happens? Am I wrong in saying that. My mother in law put a add in the paper thanking everyone and hoped that it would be enough. Well it was not. So my mom went and got a thank you card and I signed with as much enthousiam as I could. "Thank you for your generosity. We appreciate it". Unfortunately that is not what I wanted to write. (Now for those of you reading this I appologize I am going through some stuff and this is how I vent)

Dear (Fill in the Blank)

I am so sorry that this has taken me so long to get to you. You would think with all the free time I have now not running around after an infant I could take two minutes to write you a Thank You card. I appologize. I guess I am taking the death of my son a little harder then expected, you know through the millions of tears I cry, waking up everyday only to slap a smile on my face and pretend that my life is just fantatstic. You know how it is. Oh wait you don't and unless you have lost a child you would never know how I am feeling. You would never ask why isn't my thank you card in the mail, because if this did happen to you, you would know that it takes every breath I take not breakdown every minute of every day of my life. Spending most of my waking hours wondering if he was alive what he would look like, what he would be saying or doing. Even wondering how the hell I am going to keep going on when all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and hope that it was all just a dream. So I hope this note finds you in good spirits because mine certainly not.
Love Lindsay

After writing the actual card I wondered are there others out there waiting for their cards. Now for those of you reading this who did give us stuff, please know that I do appreciate everything that you have done and keep doing for us. I just don't have it in me to do a proper one. To be honest if I was having a really bad day what you read above might be what you got in the mail. So to keep myself from doing that maybe someday you will get the proper ones in the mail.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Were you really real?

I remember when I looked at the pink plus sign, with my hand shaking....was it really real. I had to take 3 more just to make sure. I remember when the contractions started and I thought are these really real. When your daddy put you in my arms I thought were you really ours to keep. Then I watched you grow and roll, cry, and smile. I had a camera in your face everyday. I'm not sorry that I did. Now I look at those pictures and I think. Were you really real? 7 long months ago you were alive, but not so well. I have a picture of you the day before you died, I look at it and think there is no way that little boy was sick. I can't remember the way you smell, unless I go in your room. I am scared I will forget your face or how you skin felt. What I would give to hold you just one more time. The only thing I no for sure is real is the saddness and pain I feel everyday. I hate this feeling. I want it to go away. You are never forgotten Jackson. When I hear your name it makes me sad, but happy that people say it. You have touched so many lives and has brought many new people in to mommy's life that are going to help her get through this. People who are just like me. People who had to say goodbye to their babies too soon. I miss you everyday...I love you.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Breakdown

Since Jackson has died I have probably cried a million tears. Some of them just come without me even realizing they are there. Some of them triggered by something said, or a memory. Luckily most of those tears have been with, family or friends, and most times in a safe place so I can let loose and not worry that someone thinks I am crazy. This time I couldn't control it. About a year a go friends of ours got engaged and shortly after started arranging their wedding. In December of last year, they asked Tim if would be in the wedding. I still remember the dinner, I had dressed Jackson up in his Christmas outfit, the bride to be was holding him. We were excited for them. In our heads we had already thought about Jackson being about 10 months and it would be a nice family vacation for us. Well as the story goes Jackson is not here with us this weekend. The day had already started sad when Tim picked up his key chain with their picture in it and put it in his pocket. We looked at eachother and cried. He was suppose to be here. The sadness for me didn't stop there. The niece of our friends birthday was yesterday. She was turning one. While sitting down to dinner everyone sang happy birthday. That was it. I couldn't leave the table fast enough. I even lost my shoe in the process. I walked as fast as I could to get away so no one could see me breakdown. Tim came after me and assured me that no one noticed. Which might have been a lie since the bride and groom came down to make sure we were ok. I know that breakdowns are going to happen, I just wish that sometimes I had a pause button so that I can go and cry somewhere and so that I don't have to explain where the tears come from.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Ready for a Rainbow

* This is my disclaimer. Please don't post any comments to this post. I need to vent and I don't want to hear about it. I don't want you to comment on my facebook, I don't want you to call me at home and talk about it. I don't want the good old punch on the shoulder that says "oh it will happen when it happens" I'm in a place right now I just want to be there for awhile. The only people that really deserve to comment on this are BLM's. All the rest of you don't know what I am going through and that is how it is right now.*

In my line of work you are constantly around families. Happy families that bring there happy, healthy, alive children to daycare. Some of them only children, some of them from families that have all of the chidlren they can handle and those families that are still multiplying. The girls I work with are women who are done having children, single, not ready to have children yet, some that are thinking about it....and me. The one who had a baby and doesn't anymore. The one who is trying to have another one...and it is not happening. The one who is now looking at other people around her ready to share the wonderful news that they are expecting their next child. When I hear the news so many mixed emotions fill my body. Happy, sad, jealous, angry and most of all worried.

I know that some women try for years to get pregnant only to stop trying and they get pregnant. I know the statistics. I have read all the research. I know I should be patient because we have only been officially trying for 3 months, but I worry. What if Jackson was it. What if he was the only child I was able to have. That was my chance to have a baby and he's gone. Last time it was easy. I was off the pill for 2 weeks and I was pregnant. I know someone is reading this and thinking, get over it, it took me 3 years to get pregnant. I'm sorry to those women. You are stronger then maybe I am.

I am ready. I am ready for my rainbow. I am ready to look and see a pink plus sign, double lines, or digital pregnant. I am ready.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A year since....

Last weekend while sitting at a friends wedding shower watching her open gifts, smiling and laughing. I couldn't help but remember that it had been a year since I too was smiling and laughing while opening my baby shower gifts. The first of three to be exact. Jackson was spoiled by everyone and he wasn't even close to coming into the world yet. I remember thinking what am I going to do with all these sleepers. Now they sit in buckets, labelled with the sizes, maybe never to be worn by another. The beginning of October will be a year since I went on Maternity leave. Now instead of making a spot for Jackson at the daycare, I wonder if Jackson would be the same size as the new babies starting. Would he have been friends with them? Would I be harrassing the baby teachers to come get me if he did anything important.
A year ago people were asking me if I was ready to finally have Jackson. Was I excited or nervous, was I going to get an epidural or try and deal with the pain. Now people ask me how I am doing, and that they are thinking of me even if they don't always say it. The biggest thing is that it will be his birthday. I know your probably thinking but Lindsay its 2 months away but November 2nd will be here in the blink of an eye. They already are putting Halloween decorations and costumes in the flyers which is reminder that its really not the far away.

Monday, August 2, 2010

5 months since you have been gone

Normally you count how old your children get. When they are born you count by weeks, then by months and then eventually years. No one ever counts the days, months or years its been since your child's death. Maybe its because we are never suppose to. I haven't thought about how long it has been since Jackson died, until today. August 2nd we should have been celebrating his 9 months, instead it made me realize that it has been 5 months since February 28th. I can't believe that 5 months has gone by since that day, I guess time flys when your living in a daze. I can honestly say I don't know what has happened in these last 5 months. I look forward to my weekends where my boyfriend tries and gets me to do something other then sit inside. Lately it seems everyone is out with their babies, which makes it harder. Me always wondering if that is what Jackson would be doing. Would his hair have changed colour or still be red? Would his mohawk still be in tact? Even last night when we went out for dinner 4 huge families sat around us. One with a baby and another with 3 boys. I jelously watched wishing that Jackson was sitting in a high chair with us, making us laugh. Instead we try not to make eye contact with other people trying to hide how sad we are that were eating alone. Eventually I hope that I will be able to work through this but in the mean time we should wait until the cold weather keeps everyone else inside.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Milestones and Memories

You wouldn't believe me if I told you and some people shake their heads when I tell them the sad but true story. Last July I got a very excited call from my mother, saying that the baby in my belly was going to have a playmate. Slightly blonde and with my preggo brain I couldn't quite figure it out. Then finally the light bulb went off and I realized that my sister was also pregnant. I was so excited because my sister and I are only 17 months apart so that would mean our boys (which would find out later) would only be 4ish months apart. We were very excited because we were so close we thought for sure our boys would be too.

Fast forward to February 28th...I had to tell my then 9 months pregnant sister that her nephew had died. Together we fell apart. The dreams and wishes that we had made over the last couple months were gone. During the funeral she started getting some cramps which she kept saying were because her stomach hurt. Even though I told her to rush home just in case she was having contractions she took her time and didn't get home until 12 hours later. March 7th my nephew was born....exactly a week after Jackson had died. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to hold him or even look at him because I was scared I would break down. When I held him I cried because I knew that he would never get to know his cousin, I cried because I wasn't sure if I would be able to love him as much as I should. I know at first everyone would compare the things he did to what Jackson had already done. Now he is almost 5 months and he is reaching milestones that Jackson never will. He is even getting his first tooth.

I can't say that its easy to read about all the milestones he is reaching, when I only have my memories. I try my hardest to be as invovled in his life as I can somethings are easier then others but my sister understands. That is the good thing about sisters.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Living the Dream???

I remember when Jackson was born people use to tell me you have the perfect life...your living the dream. Today when I was at work in sleep room (yes it is a dark room with sleepy music for the children) my mind floated. I started to think maybe I was just living a dream. I sometimes think was Jackson real? Was I pregnant at all? Have I been just sleeping for the last year and I am going to wake up and its not going to be real. Then I come home. That's when I realize it wasn't a dream at all. In a years time I was pregnant, said hello to Jackson and then 4 short months later I had to say goodbye. The sad thing is sometimes the only thing that gets me through is that I know I am not the only one in this. There are many men and women out there who have had to say goodbye to their children way to early. I realize now that sometimes dreams change and I have also changed. I no longer feel guilty for things that I use to. I am ready to tell people how I feel and if they don't like it well sucks for them. People are just going to have to accept the new me. I am going to start making new plans the way I want them to be and not what others want them to be. I wasn't like that when Jackson was alive and I regret some things I did or didn't do. I am going to start living for me, for Tim, for my children to someday come and especially for Jackson.

Friday, July 9, 2010


A friend that I went to college with just sent me a website to look at because it had some great poems. There were two that I read and thought were so honest and true and wanted to share them with others.

"My Mom is a Survivor"

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
as I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
for no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

Here is a nice one for Dad too.

My Dad is a Survivor

My dad is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.
My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Tim. He is Jackson's father and the only other person who knows what I am going through. If it wasn't for him I would never be able to get out of bed in the morning or even come home at night. Tim and I met via eharmony 3 years ago and the reason I decided to go on a date with him was because he had a picture of himself and his new baby niece together on his profile. I knew that he was going to be a great father from that picture. Needless to say it took a few dates for my head and heart to come to an agreement but ever since it has our life has been filled with more love then anyone can imagine. When Jackson died I was warned that it could tear a relationship apart, which scared me more then anything. I had already lost one person I loved I was not prepared to lose another. When he was off work for 3 months he took care of me like no one could, making sure I ate and that laundry got done and that the house was clean. I am reminded everyday why I chose him to be with forever. When he makes me laugh, or when were sharing a glass of wine together, even when we are crying and remembering Jackson together. Every step we take to heal, we take together. I believe that our relationship will make it through this tragic loss and that when we are 90 years old we will still be together remembering our life, our love and our little boy.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Dark Place

The Dark Place. I have heard it spoken many times before. I try to stay away from it because I am afraid if I go back in it might be hard to come out. Knock on wood but I haven't had to take anything after Jackson died like anti-depressants, although the doctor perscribed me something to help me sleep for the first couple of weeks. Sometimes I would like to go get some more to hopefully drown out the snoring from the cat, dog and boyfriend. I have tried to remain relatively positive through this process, by writing, reading and talking to other people, but I do have a dark place. When I feel myself slipping into it I yank myself back out of it. People always say to me "your so amazing", "or I don't know how you do it". Me either. If I did I would be writing these steps down, selling the book and be a millionaire. Maybe I am a good actress and I should find an agent because I am fooling many of you and myself. I should tell people I still have a dark place where I go and woe is me, others don't deserve their children, etc, etc. That is what my facilitator describes as coping. For now I stay away from the dark place because if I get to deep I might not be able to crawl out for awhile. So for now I see it and I know its there but I keep it locked up until I am strong enough to deal with it.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Taking a Leap of faith

2 years ago on Father's day my boyfriend decided that he was ready to start trying...but not until we moved into our house. That was the most exciting day of my life (well the first). We were going to start our family. The one I had been longing for, for so long. We moved in September of 08 and by February 15th 09 we were expecting (the 2nd most exciting day). I remember peeing on the pregnancy test and was shaking...I didn't even need to wait the 2 minutes for the plus sign to appear because it was already there. We did take 4 tests all together just to be sure. I even think my boyfriend wanted to pee on one just to be sure they were working right. We were going to be parents. 2 years later we are celebrating Father's day in a different way. Surrounding ourselves with the memories of our precious little boy. I wish he was here to give his dad a big hug.

Now 2 years after that Father's day we are left with the same question when are we going to start trying again. I have never been more scared of anything in my life, I wasn't scared while I was in labour with Jackson, or when they told me that they needed to do a c-section. I haven't been scared since the Dr. told me that there was nothing they could do to save Jackson. I am trying to channel the Lindsay that I was before all this happened but she is hard to find these days...nor do I know if she will ever be found. When all of this happened my faith went out the door. I am still mad at the powers that be, that this happened in the first place. I have suffered so much in the last 4 months, and all I keep thinking is "could this happen again?". All I can do is close my eyes and take a leap of faith. I think if I wait longer I could let the fear of losing another child consume me until I will be too afraid to ever get pregnant. The one thing I have wanted most in this world is to be a mother, and I am one to the best little boy in the world...but I want to share that with other children. I have to be brave and strong not just for Jackson but for the babies I will eventually be carrying.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I lied....and I feel guilty

When most people ask if you have children I usually reply yes, but he is no longer with us anymore. Today I went to get a pedicure and the lady asked me oh do you have children. I replied no. I have never replied no. I wanted to jump off the table and run and cry. I felt so guilty for saying no. I felt like the worst mother in the entire world...but I just didn't feel like explaining my life story to someone I didn't even know. Am I a horrible mother? Should I feel guilty? Has anyone else done this just save yourself from reliving the fact that your son died? This isn't fair I should be able to say yes, and he is 7 months old and the love of my life but I can't and now I am just left feeling guilty. I'm so sorry Jackson.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I need to take 5

I am so mad right now I could spit fire. I would take out an entire village I am steaming so badly. Bad day at work....yes, bad day in life....well when is it not, just wishing I could scream or run away....if I had the money. I just want to sit and relax after working 8 sometimes 9 and soon to be 10 hour days I just want to sit around and veg. I don't want to think about work, or the laundry that needs to be done, or the plants that need watering. What I want to do is think about a happy time in my life. I want to be worrying about stopping Jackson from bouncing his head off the coffee table or sunscreening his little chubby legs. I wish that people would backoff especially my boyfriend. Who by the way had to throw in a comment about nothing getting done....what I did not throw back in his face is that THIS GIRL IS THE ONLY ONE WORKING!!!!!!!!!!! So screw you if I don't do anything as soon as my feet cross through the door. I want my life back, I want my son back and what I don't want is the take s@#t from anyone. Plus I just realized that I missed my mother's meeting this month and I really needed to go this month. Please let me tell you that this is not normal and I normally don't mind being the one to provide for the house because he has done it for me, plus he has been working his butt off around the house as well as working on the car but I just need a little time today...even if its 5 minutes.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Too Soon

Finally....I went to the doctor to see about getting a referal to an OB. I want to make sure that all my bases are covered before I do decide to get pregnant again. I had to have a C-section with Jackson because he didn't want to come out....maybe he had a reason. Anyways unfortunately I had to go to the my doctor to get it and I haven't seen Dr.V since I took Jackson in (2 days before he died). Needless to say I knew that it was going to be a crappy day. The nurse asked us what we were coming for as they always do and then she asked us how we were doing. So I gave her the text book we have good days and bad. Then asked if we were getting counselling, which we are but not formal counselling because I don't want some person to give me text book answers on how I should be feeling. That is why my boyfriend and I go to groups with women and men how have lost children and honestly it does help. Finally the doctor came in and of course we started talking about Jackson. I held it together as best I could in the office (even though I wanted to say why didn't you fix him, I took him to you 2 times in a week). I know its not his fault I just have a hard time going to him. Then we started talking about getting pregnant (which is on my mind off and on but right now is not the right time for us). He told us it was too soon, but he never said anything about when it was not too soon. I guess we will have to wait for the OB to answer that question. So now I am at home a big weeping mess. Thank god my boss and coworkers are so understanding and allowed me the rest of day off. Not like I would be any good to anyone anyways, the kids at the daycare would probably have to pat my back and tell me everything was going to be ok.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Avoidance....its what gets me through the day sometimes

How are you doing? The question you get everyday of your life but now it has a different meaning. I sometimes I want to say do you want my real answer or story book answer I give everyone. I think if people really knew what was going on in my head they would wonder if am not under the influence of drugs and alcohol. On any given day my mind is wondering to the realism of my life. What should I do with Jackson's room? Should I at least get the dirty laundry and clean it? Oh right we have no milk and I think that I should clean my house because a bomb has gone off in it. I want another dog, I want another baby, what I want is my baby back. Sometimes I think I am going crazy, thank god for my boyfriend because he sits and listens to my rants of what is going on in my head....luckily sometimes he has them to so I don't feel too crazy.

I wonder if its from the lack of sleep I have been going on lately. I feel like I did when Jackson was still alive, waking up every 4 hours and not be able to sleep in anymore. I have been waking up a lot lately from the reaccuring dream about Jackson I keep having. I keep dreaming he is alive and I am searching for him, but I can't find him then I realize I won't find him because he has died. Where is the dream analyst on this one.

My boyfriend and I have also been talking about having more children. At then end of the conversation we always come back to but we want the baby we had back. I remember trying to get pregnant with Jackson. I wouldn't really call it trying since I wasn't even off of the pill for a month and was pregnant. We have been taking precautions but I still pray that I get my period every month. Now I am scared that I could get pregnant and I am not ready yet. I also want to talk to an OB to find out when it is safe to start trying because I had to have a c-section and I don't want any complications after I do get pregnant. When I think about having more children I always feel like somethings missing and I feel that is how it is always going to be. I just hope that I will be able to be the mom I want to be to any other children we have, because it would be unfair of me to be any other way. For now I will continue to distract myself with my garden, dog, family and boyfriend until I am ready to deal with what is going on in my head. Avoidance its what gets me through the day sometimes.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Baby less Mother's Day

To some if you don't have children then that means you have not become a mother, but for me and many other women we are the unlucky ones that are caught in the middle. We are mother's to children that are no longer here. I have been feeling all week that yes I do have a son but he is not here so I don't feel like a mom. I watched while my coworkers deligently made mother's day crafts with the children at the daycare I work at (thankful that they understood and took over that task for me) all the while knowing that I would not be getting a handcrafted flower pot of Jackson's fingerprints....not now or ever. I had put a big sticker on today's date before Jackson died that says IMPORTANT to remind my boyfriend not to forget he had to get a card. Yesterday I broke down in the car because I had to sit and listen to two girls talk about how the fathers of their babies weren't in the picture and the other one was pregnant with another. I WANTED TO SMACK THEM! Yes my boyfriend and I are not married but we have a house together, cars together and have been living together for 3 years. We wanted to start a family and be parents and that got taken away from us. There are children out there who's parents just toss them aside and some don't even live with their parents. My son isn't here to love on mother's day and that is the one thing that I looked forward to is spending a Sunday loving being a mother.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

My birthday

Well I got out of bed today...I guess that's a start. This was not how I thought my birthday would be. Last year I was pregnant and looking forward to having a little boy to have wake me up with a toothless grin. I'm thinking about someone else today and sending her warm thoughts and hugs. My wish for this years birthday is that I find peace and strength. That eventually happy days will out number my sad days and maybe hope will find its way into my life again.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

6 months old

I can't sleep...again. I'm sitting at grandma's and grandpa's house in Sarnia for my birthday weekend. Today I should also be celebrating your half birthday. You can't even imagine how I was looking forward to you turning 6 months old. The things you would be doing or even saying. Your baby cousin is also 2 months today. Your auntie and I were so excited for you two to meet. You would love your baby cousin Jackson. Yesterday we went shopping and everyone was looking at baby C and mommy was sad because I miss when everyone would stop and admire you....which they did because you were so beautiful. I don't want to celebrate my birthday because its not worth celebrating without you here. I don't want to celebrate anything without you....you made things special. My life will forever be changed because you were in it. I know you send me messages and I look for them everyday and when I get them it sends a little light my way. I love you my BOBO keep smiling down on my from heaven and I will try and smile up to you too.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Another month of Sundays

Another month has gone by since Jackson's death. I can't believe that its only been 2 months since it feels like a million years ago since I held him in my arms. Yesterday was the first time I have went into his room and actually just sat there. I cried. I cried and just ask Jackson how I was going to live my life without him. I cried and ask god how he could do this to me. When I was done I realized that it felt good to cry. I didn't realize how much I hold back, for the sake of those around me or for the sake of myself. A lot has happened this month, I have seen and heard things that have frusterated me. Things have made me mad or made me wonder. I know it has been a hard month mentally. I know that next one is not going to be any better. I wish I could skip next month but as I know life carries on even if you want to stay in one place.

Friday, April 16, 2010

"The Club"

I have been to 2 meetings now and have been told I am now part of "the club". I always wanted to be part of a club, but this one I never thought or wanted to be a participant of. Everyone's story is a little bit different then the rest but the result is all the same. We don't have our children here with us anymore and for that reason were in "the club" as they call it. Lately I am having a hard time with my day to day life. I think about Jackson but sometimes I think maybe it isn't real, was he really here or was that just a dream. I know it sounds awful to think that Jackson wasn't real, because he was definately 100% real. I have a c-section scar, stretch marks, a tattoo of his beautiful face and a broken heart to prove that he was real. The facilitator at the baby loss meeting I went to said this would probably be a hard couple of days because I was reliving Jackson's death. I just can't believe that I will have to live without him for the rest of my life, but now I see people at these meetings who have done it for 19 years, 10 years and I'm sure there are some out there who have had to deal with it longer. The facilitator also asked how go to work everyday...I don't even remember somedays what happened because I just go through the motions and hope for 4pm to come fast.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A hard day

No one knows how much work it is to paste a smile on your face and pretend for 8 hours a day that everything is ok in your life. Some days are easier then others apparently not this day. I guess its started Sunday, when I again started crying as I do every Sunday. Then it was talking to my mom, who I am worried about (sorry mom but I can't help it), or was it the staff meeting I attended where we were talking about picture day and my brain wondered off for 3 minutes and my thoughts of Jackson returned. Then I just brokedown. I was thinking before he died I wanted to get his pictures done again soon with the same photographer I used for my pregnancy, and his first month pictures. I would have changed him a million times into the outfits I had for him. I probably would have had some great photos. At that moment I decided that I was not going to work picture day. That was 8 hours that I wasn't going to pretend that pain I hold inside isn't there and that my life isn't ok. Luckily my boss understands, but unfortunately shortly after that is my birthday and then Mother's day. I guess life goes on even though I still live February 28th, everyday in my mind.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Jackson`s Closet

Yesterday when at work I went to change a little boys diaper, I noticed that the had the jeans on that I had bought Jackson shortly before he died. I remember them because I loved putting them on with his guitar t-shirt and would put his hair in a mohawk. Jackson never wore sleepers except for bed. I loved dressing him up and he really did have the best wordrobe of any child I knew. I guess that was because I worked at a chilren`s clothing store and with your mom living close to the states you can go and shop and get cool clothes for super cheap. I realized that I would never see him wear those jeans again, that I would never see him wear any of the things I had bought for him. I had all of his clothes labeled and put into buckets with the sizes that they were. I have an entire summer wardrobe and I was so excited because I bought cool t-shirts that had little sayings on them like "son of super dad" and "my mom is a superhero". Now they all just sit there ready for a little boy to wear but he isn`t here to wear them. I was so excited to have a little boy, I never liked picking out dresses and pink things. I loved picking out camo pants and funky t-shirts. I was even going to order him a "B is for Bob" t-shirt (it had a picture of Bob Marley on it)because I use to sing him 3 little birds all the time. Now I don`t know what to do with all these clothes, I don`t want to give them away because I could never see another little boy wear them, but I don`t know if it would be too hard to put his little brother in them someday either. These are the things that trigger me and I`m sure they won`t be the last.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My car didn't die, my son did

I don't know if people are aware of the grief that parents have that have lost a child. We are not normal ever again. Even the things that trigger us to our breaking point even little petty things will make us flip out on a moments notice. I also don't think some people realize that we won't get over it. My son died....at 4 months, how do I "get over it". What is "it" anyways, the feeling of having your heart torn out, the feeling that something is always going to be missing from you life. No one gets over losing a child, some of us carry it with us silently and cry when we need to and scream when we need to. Even those people who are highly funciton and you wouldn't even believe that they had lost a child...they might just be good actors. I'm not going to get over it, and right now I can say I am a good actress some days but I have been pushed to my breaking point, and those that stand in my way are in for a rude awakening because I am not the same person I was before this and I never will be. I will not get over the death of my son, if I did get over this then I would be erasing the fact that I ever had Jackson and I'm not going to do that. I will however heal, learn to live with a broken heart, I will remember him happy or sad, I will cherise the memories I have of him, I will always talk about him.....but what I won't do is get over losing him.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Baby Parade

Yesterday was the first time in a long time that I went out in public. I can honestly say I avoid it. Maybe because I don't want to see people I know and have to relive what happened to Jackson, or fear that I might see someone who doesn't know and have to tell them why he isn't here. Then I realized that the reason I hate going out is because I swear everyone has a baby. I know its not their faults and they can't help it but the constant streaming of people and their babies is like stab in my already broken heart. Usually I can handle people with their babies, I am even able to hold my nephew (sometimes without tears) who was born exactly a week after Jackson died. My sister and I have a special connection and without words I could look at her and she knew what was going on. I wish I could look at other people and they would know too. I love children more then you would ever know, I work with them on a daily basis because I love them so much. I just wish I could parade around my son for all to see. I know that this will be the hardest thing I go through but I often ask why my boyfriend and I were picked for this job.

Yesterday my sister asked me where I got a quote that I had put on my facebook profile. I couldn't remember what one she was talking about and when I maybe have even put it on. Oddly enough it was from I book I have read 3 times called the Anatomy of the Spirit. I put the quote up when I first started my facebook account and part of me maybe finds truth in it and part of me doesn't. I thought I would share it with everyone else and let you decide.

"Let me know what I am able to know and trust that behind all events, no matter how painful there is a reason from which good can come" Anatomy of the spirit

Friday, April 2, 2010

5 months old

5 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. This time 5 months ago I remember looking at you from my recovery bed in your daddy's arms. I had to wait until I could feel my arms to hold you but as soon as I did I snuggled you close and kissed your cheek. I remember when you first rolled over, I ran to the "What to expect the first year" book and looked to see what else you would be doing. Now I just think about what you might be doing this day, its Good Friday so Daddy would get to stay home from work so both of us would be with you. Maybe you would starting to talk more, sit up, if I was lucky maybe you would be trying to say mama (but it would probably be dada and I would be ok with that). I will never get to see you do the things you would be doing. I wish someone had written a "What to expect the first year your child dies" but they don't write books like that because its not suppose to happen. Is this what I will do everytime its the 2nd of the month. Another thing I use to look forward to and now I dread. I miss you so much Jackson. I know that you are always with me, always on my mind, in my heart....it will never be the same without you here.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I wish I could sleep

After working all day (I work at a daycare and run around after other children) you would think I would be exhausted. Somedays after work I can hardly keep my eyes open till 9pm. When I finally get to bed I am so tired that I am sure my head will hit the pillow and I will be out. That is not the case. Night time is when my mind wonders the most. All I think about is Jackson, the worst nights are the ones when I can see him with the tubes in and I can actually remember the sound he made when he was breathing. When I think about that I just cry, and once that image is in my head I can't sleep. I wish that wasn't the last image I had of Jackson, its the one that haunts me the most. I cry because the last 24 hours of his life he was hooked up to machines and in the hospital.Other nights I think about how my life will be without him, and I don't want to. I should be planning when my boyfriend and I were going to be adding to the family, not thinking about how even if we want to add to the family we should probably make sure Jackson's autopsy report is back to tell us if he died from anything genetic. I use to love sleeping, on the weekends my boyfriend would get Jackson for his early morning feedings so I could sleep in. Night time is for dreaming but all I get is nightmares....my life is a nightmare, one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I just want my dreams back...

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Jumperoo

The Jumperoo. A gift from Jackson's Aunt and Grandma. The last big item that sits in my living room, the last thing that we need to put away. On Saturday while cleaning up the living room I thought to myself "I think I will put it in his room." I took a step towards it and started to cry. I remembered when I use to put him in it, we had to put a book underneath so that he had something to jump on. He loved it. I remember that I use to turn him around so that he could look at the other things to play with and he would get mad because he loved looking at the lion. He use to talk to the little animals on it. I would be fixing my coffee from the kitchen and listen to him. I wish I could hear him now...I wish he would wake me up again 6 times a night because he was hungry. I remember when he was 3 weeks old thinking there is no way I make it 6 months breastfeeding him. Every month I made it I thought I could make it the year. My favourite time was feeding him. Our time. Someday I hope that I will be able to put some of his stuff away but that time is not now....and I'm not sure when I will ever feel like it is time. So now the Jumperoo sits in my living room, the Monkey face on the seat staring at me waiting for Jackson to jump one more time....

Why me?

The question that every mother asks herself. I still can't understand it. During my pregnancy I did everything right. I took my vitamins, went to my appointments, ate properly and didn't drink or take any medications that I wasn't suppose to. After he was born I loved him more then anything. He was my world and what a beautiful world it was when he was in it. Even when he got sick I took him to the doctor 4 times in a week because he wasn't getting better. I sat up with him when he was in the hospital and prayed for the doctors to save him when he stopped breathing. Why me? I did everything right and he got taken away from me only at 4 months. There are parents out there who have 6 kids running around that don't have enough money to put a roof over their heads but all their children are still alive. The question will never be answered. I try to make sense of it but I never can or will. When older people die I try to make sense of it, like they lived a long life, or they were suffering and now they won't. Jackson was only 4 months old, what do you say to that?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Tomorrow will be a month

Today is March, 27th 2010, and as I look at the calendar it will be a month since my son has died. Before Jackson died Sunday use to be family fun day. The day were my boyfriend and I would push aside everything that we needed to do and just be together and relax as a family. Now when Sunday comes I want to put my head under the covers and hope that day ends quickly and that Monday morning comes. I miss him so much it hurts somedays. I feel a pain in chest that doesn't go away, it really does feel like my heart is breaking everytime I realize that he isn't here and he won't be coming back. I want to hit rewind on my life and go back to that day and hope that something will change and that he didn't stop breathing in my arms. God I just think about that moment, every Sunday. I remember the day we brought him home and I was so nervous and scared, but so excited to have my beautiful baby boy home. I didn't get enough time with him and should be looking at the calendar and getting ready to celebrate his 5th month of life. Unfornately what I have discovered in this past 4 weeks is that life isn't what you always think its going to be or what its suppose to be.