November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I wish I could sleep

After working all day (I work at a daycare and run around after other children) you would think I would be exhausted. Somedays after work I can hardly keep my eyes open till 9pm. When I finally get to bed I am so tired that I am sure my head will hit the pillow and I will be out. That is not the case. Night time is when my mind wonders the most. All I think about is Jackson, the worst nights are the ones when I can see him with the tubes in and I can actually remember the sound he made when he was breathing. When I think about that I just cry, and once that image is in my head I can't sleep. I wish that wasn't the last image I had of Jackson, its the one that haunts me the most. I cry because the last 24 hours of his life he was hooked up to machines and in the hospital.Other nights I think about how my life will be without him, and I don't want to. I should be planning when my boyfriend and I were going to be adding to the family, not thinking about how even if we want to add to the family we should probably make sure Jackson's autopsy report is back to tell us if he died from anything genetic. I use to love sleeping, on the weekends my boyfriend would get Jackson for his early morning feedings so I could sleep in. Night time is for dreaming but all I get is nightmares....my life is a nightmare, one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I just want my dreams back...

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