November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Avoidance....its what gets me through the day sometimes

How are you doing? The question you get everyday of your life but now it has a different meaning. I sometimes I want to say do you want my real answer or story book answer I give everyone. I think if people really knew what was going on in my head they would wonder if am not under the influence of drugs and alcohol. On any given day my mind is wondering to the realism of my life. What should I do with Jackson's room? Should I at least get the dirty laundry and clean it? Oh right we have no milk and I think that I should clean my house because a bomb has gone off in it. I want another dog, I want another baby, what I want is my baby back. Sometimes I think I am going crazy, thank god for my boyfriend because he sits and listens to my rants of what is going on in my head....luckily sometimes he has them to so I don't feel too crazy.

I wonder if its from the lack of sleep I have been going on lately. I feel like I did when Jackson was still alive, waking up every 4 hours and not be able to sleep in anymore. I have been waking up a lot lately from the reaccuring dream about Jackson I keep having. I keep dreaming he is alive and I am searching for him, but I can't find him then I realize I won't find him because he has died. Where is the dream analyst on this one.

My boyfriend and I have also been talking about having more children. At then end of the conversation we always come back to but we want the baby we had back. I remember trying to get pregnant with Jackson. I wouldn't really call it trying since I wasn't even off of the pill for a month and was pregnant. We have been taking precautions but I still pray that I get my period every month. Now I am scared that I could get pregnant and I am not ready yet. I also want to talk to an OB to find out when it is safe to start trying because I had to have a c-section and I don't want any complications after I do get pregnant. When I think about having more children I always feel like somethings missing and I feel that is how it is always going to be. I just hope that I will be able to be the mom I want to be to any other children we have, because it would be unfair of me to be any other way. For now I will continue to distract myself with my garden, dog, family and boyfriend until I am ready to deal with what is going on in my head. Avoidance its what gets me through the day sometimes.

No comments:

Post a Comment