November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Milestones and Memories

You wouldn't believe me if I told you and some people shake their heads when I tell them the sad but true story. Last July I got a very excited call from my mother, saying that the baby in my belly was going to have a playmate. Slightly blonde and with my preggo brain I couldn't quite figure it out. Then finally the light bulb went off and I realized that my sister was also pregnant. I was so excited because my sister and I are only 17 months apart so that would mean our boys (which would find out later) would only be 4ish months apart. We were very excited because we were so close we thought for sure our boys would be too.

Fast forward to February 28th...I had to tell my then 9 months pregnant sister that her nephew had died. Together we fell apart. The dreams and wishes that we had made over the last couple months were gone. During the funeral she started getting some cramps which she kept saying were because her stomach hurt. Even though I told her to rush home just in case she was having contractions she took her time and didn't get home until 12 hours later. March 7th my nephew was born....exactly a week after Jackson had died. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to hold him or even look at him because I was scared I would break down. When I held him I cried because I knew that he would never get to know his cousin, I cried because I wasn't sure if I would be able to love him as much as I should. I know at first everyone would compare the things he did to what Jackson had already done. Now he is almost 5 months and he is reaching milestones that Jackson never will. He is even getting his first tooth.

I can't say that its easy to read about all the milestones he is reaching, when I only have my memories. I try my hardest to be as invovled in his life as I can somethings are easier then others but my sister understands. That is the good thing about sisters.


  1. I think back to that wonderful day when I got to tell you that Jackson was getting a playmate. Then I think back to that horrible day of losing Jackson. It was the most distraught I had ever been, and all I could think of was how Clark was never going to meet Jackson. I was sick to my stomach, and angry about losing him.
    I know it's hard to hear and see all of Clarks milestones, I always think with sadness about how Jackson should have done all this stuff as well, and we will never get to know how wonderful it could have been with the two of them together.
    I know that I'm lucky I have you, you don't resent me, or Clark, and you love us both with all that you can, considering the situation.
    I'm glad we are able to help each other with this day by day, even when I don't get to talk to you all the time. Know that I think of you, Tim, and Jackson constantly, and his pictures hang prominently in my apartment so one day I can tell Clark all about him.

  2. I am so proud of both of you and love you both so much it hurts sometimes as I can't fix your pain. I feel guilty some days that one of you has so much pain and one of you feels so much joy and I can't change that for any of us. You are always on my mind. Jackson is with me every day I'm at work as I display his picture for all to see. Mom xoxo