November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Jackson and Marleigh

In the last 7 weeks I have realized a BIG difference between my children. Those differences I wish were more evident when Jackson was alive. These differences maybe would have made me second guess the health of Jackson. Both of my babies were big, Jackson was 9lbs 4oz and Marleigh 9lbs 10oz. When Jackson was learning to breast feed he didn't take to it as soon as Marleigh did. This could have been for a number of reason, me having been through the labour process (I tried a number of pain relief options before I got the epidural), then finally having to have a c-section probably caused him to be a little sleepier then other baby's. Also me being a first time mom and not really knowing how to breast feed was a other factor. Marleigh on the other hand was a fabulous breastfeeder right off the bat. I did have to have a c-section but I didn't have the same amount of pain relievers in my system as I did with Jackson. Once Jackson and I figured out the breast feeding he gained a lot in the first 2 months. Compared to Marleigh, currently she is 12lbs 13oz and only 7 weeks. Yes she started out bigger but when Jackson died he barely topped the scales at 12lbs 3oz and that was at 4 months. Right away a alarm should have went off in my brain. Jackson didn't gain any weight from his 2 month check up to the time I took him to the doctor when he started getting sick. Actually an alarm should have went off in my doctor's head. Since Jackson has died we have found a new doctor, who I can say is amazing actually the whole office is. They all know our story and all are kind and go that extra mile. Anyways my new doctor said something that has made me think (I wish I had you when Jackson was alive)one of the signs that something is wrong with a child's heart is that they are not eating. DING DONG! Jackson wasn't eating very well at all the last month he was alive. If I had the new doctor maybe she would have been on the ball and got him in for a echo right away. Marleigh is almost two months and I can't believe that time is flying by. I realize how little time I had with Jackson. 4 months isn't that long. She will be 4 months before I know it. She will soon be doing all the things that Jackson did before he left us. She is smiling and sticking out her tongue, she looks so much like her big brother, only she has a big chubby face and little chubby legs. Something Jackson never had. Everyday I tell her about Jackson, she loves to look at the black and white picture of Jackson in our living room. Sometimes I see her staring at something over my shoulder and will start smiling or cooing. I wonder if its Jackson checking in to make sure she is ok. I miss my little boy so much, some days I tear up when she flashes me a smile or does something that reminds me of Jackson. Anyone who thinks that having a rainbow baby makes life better is crazy. Yes its wonderful to have another baby and I love Marleigh with all my heart but sometimes its a stab in the heart too. Your family isn't all together and as she gets bigger it will remind me of all the things I missed out on with Jackson.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

What a day

Today we had our a appointment at Sick Kids hospital in Toronto. I had been looking/ dreading this appointment for the last 3 weeks. We drove up the night before so we didn't have get up at 2 am to drive to Toronto, and maybe get some extra sleep. We did not get the sleep we needed (someone didn't want to sleeep) and I also needed to stop feeding her at 4am so she wouldn't puke when she was sedated. We got to the hospital early because I had heard it was huge and it be hard to find our way around. Let me start by saying our exprience at this hospital from start to finish was amazing. We had a nurse that only dealt with Marleigh for the entire time. I didn't like the sedation part but only because she hated the taste of the medicine and freaked out the entire time she had to take it. When she finally settled they got to the echocardiogram. This was probably about 2 hours long. I don't know how many pictures the ultrasound tech took or even what I was looking at but Marleigh was good the entire time (even giving the tech a chuckle when she started tooting during the echo). We then had to meet with the doctor at 1:30. I felt sick as I waited for him to come in the room. Tim told me to chill out, we already knew what they were going to say....or did we. He told us that the echo was great, everything was attached where it should be etc, and that her heart was perfect. I said perfect except for her aorta going a different way. He said no its perfect, everything is where it should be. Pardon. Say that again. SHOCK was not what I would say I was feeling. Pissed might be closer. Tim and I have spent the last 4 weeks, not sleeping, contemplating not having more kids because of the fear that another baby could be born with a heart problem. I haven't been able to fully enjoy my baby because I have been so worried about her. I asked the doctor how someone could screw that up, how someone could read an ultrasound wrong. He had no answers. I wanted to drive to Kingston and srangle the person who read the first ultra sound. Tell them how could you do this to parents who have already lost a baby because a heart problem. I have learned that so much from this experience. One being that you need to always get a second (maybe a third) opinion. Demand the care you want for your child because they are to little to do it themselves. These are the things I wish I had learned before losing Jackson. Even sitting there watching Marleigh get her echo done I wished I had drove him the two hours to sick kids. Maybe things would be different, but even if they weren't I would feel like I did everything I possible could and took him to a hospital that would have done everything they possible could too.