November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Sunday, October 28, 2012

6 months, where has the time gone

I am a horrible blogger. Although with a 6 month old who is a little independant monkey I sometimes don't have the time. Currently she is trying to get out of her play tube and pull things off the table. Ummmmmmm is this what a 6 month old should be doing? She is getting her own personality and its big and wild and hilarious. She has started eating cereal and were slowing incorporating other foods. She loves sweet potatoes, and green beans and oddly enough hates bananas, like makes the most disgusted face and actually gagged the one day. She will hopefully be my little veggie eater. Her hair absolutely needs a trim but I am holding off, even though it also has a personality of its own. She is cute enough that she can pull off bed head, me not so much. Next week I return to work and she is coming with me. I am excited to have somewhere to go everyday (although I'm sure those nights that she decides to get up I won't be). I am nervous because I have never had to get myself and someone else out the door in the morning. I am a little crazy about baby organization so I usually have everything done the night before. Plus I can bring her to work in her pj's and get her ready at work if I have to. The joys of being and ECE teacher in the infant room. Last night she made the decision to sleep in her own bed, and by that I mean we put her in her bed while she settled and just passed out. She actually did that a lot, popping her soother back in and falling asleep. I just wish she would sleep on her back, but she is getting over a cold and it seems to help with her cough. I guess that was my sign that she is ready to move into her bed. Everyday is a new adventure with her, I can only imagine what Jackson might have been like at this age too. I think about him so much lately. When I see a 3 year old I wonder if he would be that big and would he love having a little sister. My nephew was playing with another 3 year old boy at a party recently and he squealed because he was so excited to have another boy to play with, it broke my heart that Jackson wasn't here to play with him. In a couple of weeks we will be celebrating his 3rd birthday, its hard to believe that I should have a little 3 year old running around. This year we are going away again for his birthday and hope that the rain clears so we can enjoy some hikes with our (new to us) backpack carrier. This year Marleigh will have to send a balloon to him too.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 10 - Symbol

I know this is weird but I love snow, it makes me happy and somehow makes me feel closer to my son. He was born in November but the time we spent was during the snowy winter months.

Day 9 - Special Place

On Jackson's first birthday we wanted to get away and relax and not have to listen to the phone ring or have people knocking on our door to make sure we were ok. So we went away. We decided to get away to Algonquin Park. My husband and I had never been. When we arrived at the cottage it had snowed and was so beautiful and peaceful. Now we try to go back every year.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Day 7 - What to say

There is nothing better then when people ask about Jackson or even just for people to call him by name. That makes me heart sing.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Day 6 - What not to say

There are so many things. I have been lucky in the sense that my family has never said anything about "getting over it" or "the new baby will help" or the best "I know what you have been through". Probably the worst thing someone has said in my presence was "oh I'm sure Lindsay has tons of boys stuff she would probably sell you". First of all it was not so much as 3 months after I lost my son but second the only little boy that is going to wear or touch his stuff is his younger brother.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Day 5 - Memorial

I do have a space in my home that is a memorial for Jackson but I wanted to use my tattoo for this day. This is my memorial to my son that I keep with me always my husband has the same one on his opposite shoulder. He is always looking over my shoulder and whenever there is a special occasion like my wedding he was with me.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Day 4 - Treasured Item

I have box that I keep in his room. In it contains little pieces of him, things he touched, wore, handprints/footprints and a clipping of his hair. Things that remind me of him. I also have stuff in ziploc bags so that when I open them they still smell like him. The blanket was something my family gave me after he died. Sometimes when I am laying on the couch cuddling with my daughter I pull it over us to make me feel like I have all my babies together.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 3 - Portrait after loss

This picture was taken about two weeks after Jackson died. My sister was pregnant with her first at the same time as I was pregnant with mine. She found out that she was going to have a boy in October shortly before we had Jackson. We were so excited that we were going to have babies and they were both going to be boys! Best friends! Our son died February 28th 2010 and my nephew was born March 7th 2010. One week,between the loss of my son and the birth of my nephew. This is me holding my nephew for the first time. My sister was always wonderful and never pressured me to hold him but I never wanted to look back and regret not holding him while he was a baby. I remember I cried the whole way home after holding him, but 2.5 years later I still don't regret that decision. I look at the picture and I remember how broken I was. How all I wanted was for Jackson to be there with us to enjoy his new baby cousin.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 2 - Self portrait from before loss

This picture is from the day Jackson was born. After being in labour for 8 hours and not dialating the doctor decided to do a c-section. This is in the recovery room after the surgery. I was shaking from the medication and couldn't feel over half my body but I couldn't wait any longer to hold my son. Best day of my life. Only 4 short months later we would be back at the hospital saying good-bye to him. Life as we know it would never be the same.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Capture your Grief - Day One Sunrise

October is a tough month for me to get through. The aniexty of knowing at the end of October will be November and I will have to celebrate yet another year without my sweet baby Jackson. When I read about Capture your Grief I wanted to be involved to help my mind focus on something else then counting the days until Jackson's birthday. Day one we were suppose to take a picture of a Sunrise. I had all the best of intentions of getting a picture of the sun rising this morning. My very cute and early rising alarm clock went off at 5am this morning. My first day did not go as planned. I watched the sun rise as I put her back to sleep for her first of 2 morning naps. Oh well as we know with babies they have their own schedule and when they need you, they need you. So I know that we were to take a picture from today's sunrise but there is one that is much more beautiful then the one that was out there today (at least from my neck of the woods). This sunrise is from the day Jackson was born. I remember looking at it after many hours of labour with no progress and thinking how beautiful it was. As they wheeled me into the OR to have a C-section there was a window where I could continue to watch the sun come up. So as the sun came up November 2nd 2009 my son came into this world.