November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Milestones and Memories

You wouldn't believe me if I told you and some people shake their heads when I tell them the sad but true story. Last July I got a very excited call from my mother, saying that the baby in my belly was going to have a playmate. Slightly blonde and with my preggo brain I couldn't quite figure it out. Then finally the light bulb went off and I realized that my sister was also pregnant. I was so excited because my sister and I are only 17 months apart so that would mean our boys (which would find out later) would only be 4ish months apart. We were very excited because we were so close we thought for sure our boys would be too.

Fast forward to February 28th...I had to tell my then 9 months pregnant sister that her nephew had died. Together we fell apart. The dreams and wishes that we had made over the last couple months were gone. During the funeral she started getting some cramps which she kept saying were because her stomach hurt. Even though I told her to rush home just in case she was having contractions she took her time and didn't get home until 12 hours later. March 7th my nephew was born....exactly a week after Jackson had died. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to hold him or even look at him because I was scared I would break down. When I held him I cried because I knew that he would never get to know his cousin, I cried because I wasn't sure if I would be able to love him as much as I should. I know at first everyone would compare the things he did to what Jackson had already done. Now he is almost 5 months and he is reaching milestones that Jackson never will. He is even getting his first tooth.

I can't say that its easy to read about all the milestones he is reaching, when I only have my memories. I try my hardest to be as invovled in his life as I can somethings are easier then others but my sister understands. That is the good thing about sisters.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Living the Dream???

I remember when Jackson was born people use to tell me you have the perfect life...your living the dream. Today when I was at work in sleep room (yes it is a dark room with sleepy music for the children) my mind floated. I started to think maybe I was just living a dream. I sometimes think was Jackson real? Was I pregnant at all? Have I been just sleeping for the last year and I am going to wake up and its not going to be real. Then I come home. That's when I realize it wasn't a dream at all. In a years time I was pregnant, said hello to Jackson and then 4 short months later I had to say goodbye. The sad thing is sometimes the only thing that gets me through is that I know I am not the only one in this. There are many men and women out there who have had to say goodbye to their children way to early. I realize now that sometimes dreams change and I have also changed. I no longer feel guilty for things that I use to. I am ready to tell people how I feel and if they don't like it well sucks for them. People are just going to have to accept the new me. I am going to start making new plans the way I want them to be and not what others want them to be. I wasn't like that when Jackson was alive and I regret some things I did or didn't do. I am going to start living for me, for Tim, for my children to someday come and especially for Jackson.

Friday, July 9, 2010


A friend that I went to college with just sent me a website to look at because it had some great poems. There were two that I read and thought were so honest and true and wanted to share them with others.

"My Mom is a Survivor"

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
as I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
for no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

Here is a nice one for Dad too.

My Dad is a Survivor

My dad is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.
My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.