The Breakdown

Since Jackson has died I have probably cried a million tears. Some of them just come without me even realizing they are there. Some of them triggered by something said, or a memory. Luckily most of those tears have been with, family or friends, and most times in a safe place so I can let loose and not worry that someone thinks I am crazy. This time I couldn't control it. About a year a go friends of ours got engaged and shortly after started arranging their wedding. In December of last year, they asked Tim if would be in the wedding. I still remember the dinner, I had dressed Jackson up in his Christmas outfit, the bride to be was holding him. We were excited for them. In our heads we had already thought about Jackson being about 10 months and it would be a nice family vacation for us. Well as the story goes Jackson is not here with us this weekend. The day had already started sad when Tim picked up his key chain with their picture in it and put it in his pocket. We looked at eachother and cried. He was suppose to be here. The sadness for me didn't stop there. The niece of our friends birthday was yesterday. She was turning one. While sitting down to dinner everyone sang happy birthday. That was it. I couldn't leave the table fast enough. I even lost my shoe in the process. I walked as fast as I could to get away so no one could see me breakdown. Tim came after me and assured me that no one noticed. Which might have been a lie since the bride and groom came down to make sure we were ok. I know that breakdowns are going to happen, I just wish that sometimes I had a pause button so that I can go and cry somewhere and so that I don't have to explain where the tears come from.