November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Tim. He is Jackson's father and the only other person who knows what I am going through. If it wasn't for him I would never be able to get out of bed in the morning or even come home at night. Tim and I met via eharmony 3 years ago and the reason I decided to go on a date with him was because he had a picture of himself and his new baby niece together on his profile. I knew that he was going to be a great father from that picture. Needless to say it took a few dates for my head and heart to come to an agreement but ever since it has our life has been filled with more love then anyone can imagine. When Jackson died I was warned that it could tear a relationship apart, which scared me more then anything. I had already lost one person I loved I was not prepared to lose another. When he was off work for 3 months he took care of me like no one could, making sure I ate and that laundry got done and that the house was clean. I am reminded everyday why I chose him to be with forever. When he makes me laugh, or when were sharing a glass of wine together, even when we are crying and remembering Jackson together. Every step we take to heal, we take together. I believe that our relationship will make it through this tragic loss and that when we are 90 years old we will still be together remembering our life, our love and our little boy.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Dark Place

The Dark Place. I have heard it spoken many times before. I try to stay away from it because I am afraid if I go back in it might be hard to come out. Knock on wood but I haven't had to take anything after Jackson died like anti-depressants, although the doctor perscribed me something to help me sleep for the first couple of weeks. Sometimes I would like to go get some more to hopefully drown out the snoring from the cat, dog and boyfriend. I have tried to remain relatively positive through this process, by writing, reading and talking to other people, but I do have a dark place. When I feel myself slipping into it I yank myself back out of it. People always say to me "your so amazing", "or I don't know how you do it". Me either. If I did I would be writing these steps down, selling the book and be a millionaire. Maybe I am a good actress and I should find an agent because I am fooling many of you and myself. I should tell people I still have a dark place where I go and woe is me, others don't deserve their children, etc, etc. That is what my facilitator describes as coping. For now I stay away from the dark place because if I get to deep I might not be able to crawl out for awhile. So for now I see it and I know its there but I keep it locked up until I am strong enough to deal with it.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Taking a Leap of faith

2 years ago on Father's day my boyfriend decided that he was ready to start trying...but not until we moved into our house. That was the most exciting day of my life (well the first). We were going to start our family. The one I had been longing for, for so long. We moved in September of 08 and by February 15th 09 we were expecting (the 2nd most exciting day). I remember peeing on the pregnancy test and was shaking...I didn't even need to wait the 2 minutes for the plus sign to appear because it was already there. We did take 4 tests all together just to be sure. I even think my boyfriend wanted to pee on one just to be sure they were working right. We were going to be parents. 2 years later we are celebrating Father's day in a different way. Surrounding ourselves with the memories of our precious little boy. I wish he was here to give his dad a big hug.

Now 2 years after that Father's day we are left with the same question when are we going to start trying again. I have never been more scared of anything in my life, I wasn't scared while I was in labour with Jackson, or when they told me that they needed to do a c-section. I haven't been scared since the Dr. told me that there was nothing they could do to save Jackson. I am trying to channel the Lindsay that I was before all this happened but she is hard to find these days...nor do I know if she will ever be found. When all of this happened my faith went out the door. I am still mad at the powers that be, that this happened in the first place. I have suffered so much in the last 4 months, and all I keep thinking is "could this happen again?". All I can do is close my eyes and take a leap of faith. I think if I wait longer I could let the fear of losing another child consume me until I will be too afraid to ever get pregnant. The one thing I have wanted most in this world is to be a mother, and I am one to the best little boy in the world...but I want to share that with other children. I have to be brave and strong not just for Jackson but for the babies I will eventually be carrying.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I lied....and I feel guilty

When most people ask if you have children I usually reply yes, but he is no longer with us anymore. Today I went to get a pedicure and the lady asked me oh do you have children. I replied no. I have never replied no. I wanted to jump off the table and run and cry. I felt so guilty for saying no. I felt like the worst mother in the entire world...but I just didn't feel like explaining my life story to someone I didn't even know. Am I a horrible mother? Should I feel guilty? Has anyone else done this just save yourself from reliving the fact that your son died? This isn't fair I should be able to say yes, and he is 7 months old and the love of my life but I can't and now I am just left feeling guilty. I'm so sorry Jackson.