November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

2 years

When I look at the last 2 years of my life its hard to believe that your gone. It feels like forever since I heard you talk, or cry or just held and rocked you to sleep. My heart breaks everytime I see a picture of you and know that your not coming back. I can remember the day you left us so vividly it has been haunting me in my dreams at night.

There are many people who will never understand what its like to lose a child but know that it never goes away. That little piece of my heart is still broken and it has never gone away. I wish that you were here to watch you grow up with your little sister, to drive her crazy and cut the hair of her barbie dolls. I hope in some way you still watch over her.

I don't want to talk about the day you left us because I want to remember the happier times we had you, before you got sick. Today I remember you for all the things you taught me and showed me in your short but meaningful life. I love always and forever my baby boy.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Grief timeline

No one will ever know the grief of losing a child, unless they to have lost one themselves. Many people don't seem to get that. February is slowly creeping to an end, which also means that the day that Jackson died is also creeping closer. This year will be two years since he has died. I read on another mommies blog describing the second year of loss is like being punched in the throat. I think she nailed it. I'm trying not to stress out too much about it, because my pregnancy doesn't need anymore stress.

After finding out we were having a girl my husband and I had to decide whether we were going to paint his room or make up another room for her. Everytime I went into his room I couldn't do it. I need to leave the space as it is, even just to have a place to go and remember him. Some people don't seem to understand why we are doing that and frankly I don't care. That was his room and for now it will stay that way, it will be a place where my nephews or nieces can stay when they come to visit.

No one has yet to ask me if I'm over losing Jackson. Hopefully the people around me are smart enough not to. The only thing I have been able to get over is me thinking it was my fault that he died. I will never get over losing Jackson though. No matter how many years go by and even after having other children. He will always be missing and our famiy.