November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Taking a Leap of faith

2 years ago on Father's day my boyfriend decided that he was ready to start trying...but not until we moved into our house. That was the most exciting day of my life (well the first). We were going to start our family. The one I had been longing for, for so long. We moved in September of 08 and by February 15th 09 we were expecting (the 2nd most exciting day). I remember peeing on the pregnancy test and was shaking...I didn't even need to wait the 2 minutes for the plus sign to appear because it was already there. We did take 4 tests all together just to be sure. I even think my boyfriend wanted to pee on one just to be sure they were working right. We were going to be parents. 2 years later we are celebrating Father's day in a different way. Surrounding ourselves with the memories of our precious little boy. I wish he was here to give his dad a big hug.

Now 2 years after that Father's day we are left with the same question when are we going to start trying again. I have never been more scared of anything in my life, I wasn't scared while I was in labour with Jackson, or when they told me that they needed to do a c-section. I haven't been scared since the Dr. told me that there was nothing they could do to save Jackson. I am trying to channel the Lindsay that I was before all this happened but she is hard to find these days...nor do I know if she will ever be found. When all of this happened my faith went out the door. I am still mad at the powers that be, that this happened in the first place. I have suffered so much in the last 4 months, and all I keep thinking is "could this happen again?". All I can do is close my eyes and take a leap of faith. I think if I wait longer I could let the fear of losing another child consume me until I will be too afraid to ever get pregnant. The one thing I have wanted most in this world is to be a mother, and I am one to the best little boy in the world...but I want to share that with other children. I have to be brave and strong not just for Jackson but for the babies I will eventually be carrying.

1 comment:

  1. Lindsay, I am praying and hoping that you will once again get the chance to be the mother you want to be.