November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Monday, February 28, 2011

February 28th, the day you left us and my heart was broken

February 28th. I can remember it like it was yesterday. We got into Kingston the night before. By the time you were admited and hooked up to a feeding tube and had some tests done it was midnight. They luckily let daddy stay because it was so late. Tim and I took turns on the cot but neither one of us slept because of worry. Early the next morning the doctors came to see you again. The morning was hopeful they said you had RSV and had gotten brocillitis because of it. They said we were going to have to stay for a week. Grandma Sue said she was going to come up later that week to keep me company and to visit you. If I had known that something was wrong I would have told her to come that moment.

Grandma and Grandpa G and Aunt T came up to visit you for the day. As the day wore on Daddy and I didn't leave your side. Even when we went to eat lunch we shovelled the food in so fast just so we could get back. Things started to change drastically. Your colouring changed and you were getting a fever. They wanted to admit you to the pediatric ICU. Grandma G called Grandma Sue because I wanted her there. I knew something was wrong. I was holding you when Grandma G said he doesn't look like he's breathing. The nurse took you from me. I screamed for you to breath to wake up. They told me I had to go. I wanted to stay. We went to the waiting room. We cried and prayed they would get you breathing. The minutes felt like hours. Finally the doctor came and told us you were breathing but it didn't look good. They gave you two different kinds of drugs for your heart but they didn't work. Me and Daddy finally got to see you. You kept looking at us with your big blue eyes. Your heart rate improved and I thought you were going to pull through. They thought you were stable enought to go to ICU but on the way you stopped breathing again. By the time we saw you in ICU the doctor told us that there really was no hope. I wanted to hit him and tell him to F off.

Finally they placed you in my arms. I rocked you as your heart stopped breathing. Daddy held you when you came into the world and I held you when you left it. They let us all hold you. When Grandma Sue, Grandpa Charlie, Aunt Lisa and Uncle A showed up they held you too. I had never seen my dad breakdown like that. I told Aunt Lisa that you had died. I was so worried she was going to go into labour. Finally we took your footrints and handprints and a piece of your red hair. We said goodbye.

You are loved and missed by so many people. You touched the lives of so many people. Jackson you are and always will be the best part of our world. We miss you so much and always will. You took a piece of our hearts when you left this day. I hope you get our messages we send to you. Love you my son.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Family Day

In Canada we get this wonderful holiday called Family Day. Most people spend it enjoying time with your families. Last year I remember Jackson was sick. I had just taken him to the Doctor the first time because he wasn't gaining any weight and he was sounding congested. I remember my mom and pregnant sister came down because it was one of the last times she was suppose to travel before she had her baby. I was worried about Jackson and wanted to get his urine sample to the doctors before it closed instead of waiting for Monday. Tim left work early so we could get him there in time. I remember waiting for his antibiotics at the Walmart. Everyone kept coming up to see him and talk about his red hair and his smile. For being a sick little guy he was still cheerful.

I remember never being worried that the next weekend I would be taking him to the hospital, that next weekend we would be rushed to Kingston, that next weekend he would die. This was the last weekend with him that I wasn't scared, that I completely thought that the antibiotics would make him better and that he would be fine. I just want to go back to that time and just hold him, kiss him, and believe that everything was going to be ok.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A week of change

Last week you could have told me the sky was falling and I wouldn't have cared. I was over the moon. WE DID IT! I was pregnant and I took 4 tests to prove it. I couldn't believe that we had finally did it. Pregnant, the plus sign, the yes, it was right in front of us. I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them we had did it. I was pregnant. The bittersweet part was that this baby would be due at the same time as Jackson was born. All of the milestones I hit would be the same as Jackson. We even found out we were pregnant at the same time. I didn't care because we had did it, we were pregnant, but my hopes and dreams were dashed just as quickly as they came.

11:00 am on Monday everything changed. There was blood and lots of it. I had no cramping to know that it was happening but I knew that much blood was not normal. I don't remember the drive to pick up Tim. I don't remember the drive to the hospital. What I do remember was screaming at God asking him how he could do this to us again. At the hospital they can't tell you for sure whether or not your having a miscarriage, at least not until all the blood work comes back. I knew though. I wasn't pregnant anymore and I was having a miscarriage, and 14 days before I had to relive losing my son. Where is the fairness in that? Nothing makes you feel better, even the doctors with their statistics (25 - 30% of all pregnancies end in misscarriage). This all doesn't change the fact that it was happening. I wish my week of saddness stopped there but we were also finding out what Jackson's autopsy report said.

I had no expectations going in to the doctor other then (please don't make it genetic). Unfortunately the full report was not ready but the preliminary was. Our doctor read back the report, and would stop and go over what different things meant. Those 24 hours came flooding back to me like it happened yesterday. Every moment detailed and typed forever the reminder of the hours we went through wondering what was wrong with Jackson. The first time he went into arrest, the second time he arrested and the last moments when he died in my arms. The last sentence stating they think there was a problem with his coronary artery.

This meant he had it from birth, but no one picked it up. Unless someone in either of our families had heart problems they wouldn't have tested for it. A ticking time bomb waiting to go off at any moment. The bladder infection, combined with the rsv was to overwhelming to him and his heart just gave out. We hope the final report will tell us if it is for sure genetic or just a fluke. Either way the doctor reasured us that now they will do a more intensive screening on future babies. She also said that doesn't mean that any of our other children will have that problem. That doesn't bring back Jackson. Knowing doesn't make me feel any better or any worse I am just numb. Now my anxiety of having babies is over the top. Will I have another miscarriage? Will my other children have heart problems? I want to be that naive mom that doesn't think anything will happen and that all babies are born healthy. I don't get to be that mom....I can't get that back.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Over sensitive or just the aftermath of losing a baby

Yesterday it was the great snow storm of 2011. I was one of the lucky ones that didn't have to risk their lives to get to work and got to stay home in my nice cozy house and veg out on the couch all day. Something that rarely happens, I caught up on Ellen and watched regular tv. I think at one point I had seen the Syndney Crosby Tim Horton's commercial 5 times within an hour (and that was without channel surfing). Then a McDonald's commercial came on and I noticed it was a new one. The just of the commerical was it would show a clip of someone in the present either a couple, or a football team ordering Mcdonald's then it would flashback to when they were kids or teens and ordering McDonald's. There was flashback and it had a couple sitting with their two children enjoying a meal together and then it flashbacked to when the women was pregnant. I just teared up and started crying. A McDonald's commercial made me cry and that wasn't the first one that has done it. During Christmas Disney had commercials of families surprising their children with a trip to Disney world. No matter how many times I saw the commercial and even if they were back to back I would burst into tears.

I even cry when I see a father and son together or baby being born on tv. Sometimes I can't control it and the tears just flow. I know that a lot has to do with me never being able to have those moments with Jackson and I especially get upset for father /son moments because Tim won't get those either. Sometimes even things not related to children make me cry. Is it because I lost Jackson I am this way or because I am mom.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Letting other people know

I have mentioned before that I have started a new job and with that I have decided to let other people in. I have told my boss and my coworker about Jackson. Not to much information just that I have a son but he has died. I guess I wasn't sure what kind of reception I would get and I know that it catches others off guard. I guess I wouldn't know what to say when someone would tell me the same before.

The end is getting near, its now February and unfortunately its the shortest month of the year. Not that it will change anything when I get to the 28th, it won't bring Jackson back and I will probably just relive that day with Tim and wonder where things went wrong. How I miss him. What I would give for just one more day to hold him in my arms and feel like everything would be ok. This is what I really want to tell people.