November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Saturday, December 25, 2010

No stocking's hung by the chimney with care

Last year I was up with Jackson, opening presents and showing him what he got from Sanata. He was only a month and half old but I was so excited to have my own little boy for Christmas I didn't care if he would remember. I never thought I would be without him this Christmas.

He had got some really cute pj's that said "What ever santa doesn't bring me, grandma will". I had washed them and put them away for this Christmas. Somehow they never made it into his clothes buckets. When I went into his room there they were, I couldn't believe that he would have been that big.

I miss him so much and especially this time of year. I keep hoping that 2011 will be a better year. I know that it will never be the same without him. I know we still have to get through the day he died but it would be nice if I could sleep through the holidays and wake up the day after.

So to all the baby loss parents, I hope that your Christmas is ok and that the new year is a little brighter. That you are able to relax and watch your future children grow and that the people around you will still recognize and say the name of the children that are no longer with us.
Merry Christmas to everyone, I hope you all find peace and hope in the new year.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


I love books. I think they are the best present to give, and the best present to get. For Christmas I give books to the kids I know. Why do they need another toy. Toys don't ignite the imagination, they don't encourage children want to learn. Even for Christmas I gave Jackson books.

The one thing I wish I had more of when Jackson was alive was children's books. Tim would read to my belly when I was pregnant, but at the time I only had a few. Even when Jackson was born, we read to him at night before we would put him to bed. We only had a few so we would rotate through the 10 or so that we had. After he died I put me energy into aquiring more books.

Scholastic orders have been my curse. They have such great deals on books, 6 great books for $20. So Tim and I have been trying to get through our new library, which I didn't think was that big....I was wrong. We have probably close to 150 books and counting. I have not bought all these books but some of them are our childhood books that are parents have given us. I am in love with my library and can't wait to share it with our children. So when you think about what to get a child...get a book, they don't go out of style, they won't get to old and not want to play with it and they can pass them along to their children.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Minus One

Has anyone seen the Disney commericials recently. The ones where families tell their children they are going to Disney world. They get excited and scream and jump up and down. I can't help but cry every single time I see it, it doesn't even matter if I just watched 2 back to back. Even if I hear it I cry. Whenever I see it I think I want to do that. I want to see my children have the same reaction. Whenever I do I keep realizing that one will be missing. My first born, not there. I could feel sorry for myself but sadly I know that I am not the only parent who feels this way.Family pictures or vacations are always going to be minus one. No one understands us, even if they could imagine the worst thing ever to happen in their lives. Their pain could never compare.

So even in my scrooge state, I still hope for all the peace and happiness for parents who have lost their children. I am so honoured to meet these families, be a part of their lives and read their stories of hope and love. Many of the BLM's that I have met have helped me through these last couple of months. So please enjoy the season as best you can. Peace be with you.

Friday, December 10, 2010

My trip to Dr. OBGYN

Finally my appointment arrived. I have only been waiting for 6 months or so. I was really nervous and wanted Tim to be there but I had already made him skip work to come meet our new family doctor. I also thought I need to start doing some things on my own.

I had to meet with the nurse to go over the reasons I was there and of course we she had to ask me questions about Jackson. I tried to hold it together but I just burst into tears. The poor nurse felt bad but I knew why she had to ask the questions, before she left she said, "don't worry the doctor will be in soon to make you feel better".

The doctor came in and started asking about Jackson again, how he was delivered and how my pregnancy was. Then how my periods were and how often we were having sex. ( On a side note I have talked more about our sex life in the last couple of months then I really thought I ever would). He checked me out and said everything sounded good and looked good. When he was done he told me about my two options. The first was to wait 3 months,and let my periods become shorter like there were before (Which will be helped by my reflexologist). I also need to start exercising and eating better. The other was more aggressive, which involved him going in and scoping my uterus, and taking drugs, etc. I decided that I was going to go with option 1. He agreed that it would be the best, but if I changed my mind to call him and we can do it.

After all of my appointments, I finally got the wake up call I needed. I know that since Jackson has died, I don't exercise as much as I should, or eat healthy at all. So as much as I don't want to admit it I need to take better care of myself, which is what I have been doing. I have filled my fridge with things that you are suppose to be eaten. Were not dieting were just going to follow the Canadian food Guide, and start walking more and spending more time together.

I feel good about the decisions we have made. I am not going to focus to much on getting pregnant and more on being healthy and taking care myself and Tim.

Monday, December 6, 2010


Christmas is...well was my favourite time of year. As soon as it is mid November I am pulling out my tree and all the decorations. Last year I remember putting the lights on the tree and Jackson was in the swing. Our Christmas pictures were taken, Tim even dressed up as Santa. Those are some of my favourite pictures.

Jackson was spoiled last Christmas. I know he was only just about 2 months old and wouldn't remember but he was our first child. Most of the stuff we bought he never got to use and never will. This year I was looking forward to having a one year old who was more interested in the wrapping and boxes instead of the presents.

I have decided to start going to the Mommy meetings again. Hopefully being around other mom's who have dealt with this themselves. So this year there are no stockings, or tree. Next year I will be more in the spirit, but this year I am going to be sgrooge.