Another month of Sundays

Another month has gone by since Jackson's death. I can't believe that its only been 2 months since it feels like a million years ago since I held him in my arms. Yesterday was the first time I have went into his room and actually just sat there. I cried. I cried and just ask Jackson how I was going to live my life without him. I cried and ask god how he could do this to me. When I was done I realized that it felt good to cry. I didn't realize how much I hold back, for the sake of those around me or for the sake of myself. A lot has happened this month, I have seen and heard things that have frusterated me. Things have made me mad or made me wonder. I know it has been a hard month mentally. I know that next one is not going to be any better. I wish I could skip next month but as I know life carries on even if you want to stay in one place.

"The Club"

I have been to 2 meetings now and have been told I am now part of "the club". I always wanted to be part of a club, but this one I never thought or wanted to be a participant of. Everyone's story is a little bit different then the rest but the result is all the same. We don't have our children here with us anymore and for that reason were in "the club" as they call it. Lately I am having a hard time with my day to day life. I think about Jackson but sometimes I think maybe it isn't real, was he really here or was that just a dream. I know it sounds awful to think that Jackson wasn't real, because he was definately 100% real. I have a c-section scar, stretch marks, a tattoo of his beautiful face and a broken heart to prove that he was real. The facilitator at the baby loss meeting I went to said this would probably be a hard couple of days because I was reliving Jackson's death. I just can't believe that I will have to live without him for the rest of my life, but now I see people at these meetings who have done it for 19 years, 10 years and I'm sure there are some out there who have had to deal with it longer. The facilitator also asked how go to work everyday...I don't even remember somedays what happened because I just go through the motions and hope for 4pm to come fast.

A hard day

No one knows how much work it is to paste a smile on your face and pretend for 8 hours a day that everything is ok in your life. Some days are easier then others apparently not this day. I guess its started Sunday, when I again started crying as I do every Sunday. Then it was talking to my mom, who I am worried about (sorry mom but I can't help it), or was it the staff meeting I attended where we were talking about picture day and my brain wondered off for 3 minutes and my thoughts of Jackson returned. Then I just brokedown. I was thinking before he died I wanted to get his pictures done again soon with the same photographer I used for my pregnancy, and his first month pictures. I would have changed him a million times into the outfits I had for him. I probably would have had some great photos. At that moment I decided that I was not going to work picture day. That was 8 hours that I wasn't going to pretend that pain I hold inside isn't there and that my life isn't ok. Luckily my boss understands, but unfortunately shortly after that is my birthday and then Mother's day. I guess life goes on even though I still live February 28th, everyday in my mind.

Jackson`s Closet

Yesterday when at work I went to change a little boys diaper, I noticed that the had the jeans on that I had bought Jackson shortly before he died. I remember them because I loved putting them on with his guitar t-shirt and would put his hair in a mohawk. Jackson never wore sleepers except for bed. I loved dressing him up and he really did have the best wordrobe of any child I knew. I guess that was because I worked at a chilren`s clothing store and with your mom living close to the states you can go and shop and get cool clothes for super cheap. I realized that I would never see him wear those jeans again, that I would never see him wear any of the things I had bought for him. I had all of his clothes labeled and put into buckets with the sizes that they were. I have an entire summer wardrobe and I was so excited because I bought cool t-shirts that had little sayings on them like "son of super dad" and "my mom is a superhero". Now they all just sit there ready for a little boy to wear but he isn`t here to wear them. I was so excited to have a little boy, I never liked picking out dresses and pink things. I loved picking out camo pants and funky t-shirts. I was even going to order him a "B is for Bob" t-shirt (it had a picture of Bob Marley on it)because I use to sing him 3 little birds all the time. Now I don`t know what to do with all these clothes, I don`t want to give them away because I could never see another little boy wear them, but I don`t know if it would be too hard to put his little brother in them someday either. These are the things that trigger me and I`m sure they won`t be the last.

My car didn't die, my son did

I don't know if people are aware of the grief that parents have that have lost a child. We are not normal ever again. Even the things that trigger us to our breaking point even little petty things will make us flip out on a moments notice. I also don't think some people realize that we won't get over it. My son died....at 4 months, how do I "get over it". What is "it" anyways, the feeling of having your heart torn out, the feeling that something is always going to be missing from you life. No one gets over losing a child, some of us carry it with us silently and cry when we need to and scream when we need to. Even those people who are highly funciton and you wouldn't even believe that they had lost a child...they might just be good actors. I'm not going to get over it, and right now I can say I am a good actress some days but I have been pushed to my breaking point, and those that stand in my way are in for a rude awakening because I am not the same person I was before this and I never will be. I will not get over the death of my son, if I did get over this then I would be erasing the fact that I ever had Jackson and I'm not going to do that. I will however heal, learn to live with a broken heart, I will remember him happy or sad, I will cherise the memories I have of him, I will always talk about him.....but what I won't do is get over losing him.

The Baby Parade

Yesterday was the first time in a long time that I went out in public. I can honestly say I avoid it. Maybe because I don't want to see people I know and have to relive what happened to Jackson, or fear that I might see someone who doesn't know and have to tell them why he isn't here. Then I realized that the reason I hate going out is because I swear everyone has a baby. I know its not their faults and they can't help it but the constant streaming of people and their babies is like stab in my already broken heart. Usually I can handle people with their babies, I am even able to hold my nephew (sometimes without tears) who was born exactly a week after Jackson died. My sister and I have a special connection and without words I could look at her and she knew what was going on. I wish I could look at other people and they would know too. I love children more then you would ever know, I work with them on a daily basis because I love them so much. I just wish I could parade around my son for all to see. I know that this will be the hardest thing I go through but I often ask why my boyfriend and I were picked for this job.

Yesterday my sister asked me where I got a quote that I had put on my facebook profile. I couldn't remember what one she was talking about and when I maybe have even put it on. Oddly enough it was from I book I have read 3 times called the Anatomy of the Spirit. I put the quote up when I first started my facebook account and part of me maybe finds truth in it and part of me doesn't. I thought I would share it with everyone else and let you decide.

"Let me know what I am able to know and trust that behind all events, no matter how painful there is a reason from which good can come" Anatomy of the spirit

5 months old

5 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. This time 5 months ago I remember looking at you from my recovery bed in your daddy's arms. I had to wait until I could feel my arms to hold you but as soon as I did I snuggled you close and kissed your cheek. I remember when you first rolled over, I ran to the "What to expect the first year" book and looked to see what else you would be doing. Now I just think about what you might be doing this day, its Good Friday so Daddy would get to stay home from work so both of us would be with you. Maybe you would starting to talk more, sit up, if I was lucky maybe you would be trying to say mama (but it would probably be dada and I would be ok with that). I will never get to see you do the things you would be doing. I wish someone had written a "What to expect the first year your child dies" but they don't write books like that because its not suppose to happen. Is this what I will do everytime its the 2nd of the month. Another thing I use to look forward to and now I dread. I miss you so much Jackson. I know that you are always with me, always on my mind, in my heart....it will never be the same without you here.