November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Finding Out part 2

So we didn't exactly find out. Our baby decided to cover itself up so we couldn't find out. The tech thought though it might be a girl but she couldn't be 100%. I wasn't sure how I felt but by the time I got home my I had to lay down because my brain was going a mile a minute. I couldn't stop thinking "what do we do?", "I don't know if I am ready to paint Jackson's room", "Do we leave it and make it into a guest room and make up another room?". I guess I went into panic mode. When the tech said it might be a girl I wasn't upset but then the fear of going through and putting away all of the boy clothes was freaking me out. I couldn't sleep last night because my brain wouldn't shut off.
We could go for another ultra sound to be 100% sure but this little part of me thinks maybe that was the way the universe wanted it. For me to finally go through Jackson's clothes and clean his room and make room for this new very wanted baby. Even though I want everything to be ready to go for when the baby gets here, technically the baby will be living with us for the first couple of weeks anyways so the only room that needs to be ready is ours. I have come to the conclusion I will clean up Jackson's room. Fill half of dresser with boys stuff and the other half with girls and wait. Then when the baby comes and find out for sure if its a little boy or girl. That is sort of exciting to me. I never understood the draw of not knowing but maybe this is the surprise I need. Now we just have to come up with names and wait 20 more weeks. I just repeating Keep calm and carry on.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Finding out

Tomorrow is the big day when we find out what we are having (as long as the baby co-operates). I am scared and excited. People keep saying you should leave it a surprise, but for me its about being prepared. For me its emotionally prepared. I will love this baby no matter what. I just want to be happy and healthy, but in my heart I am hoping its a boy. I feel like I missed out on so much with Jackson. Playing cars, making mud pies, finding rocks in my washing machine. I want that so badly.I have always wanted a house filled with boys.
If tomorrow we find out its a girl I won't be dissappointed, but I know that Tim and I will have a long emotional road of packing up all of the boy clothes, bedding and even undertake painting the nursery to make it more comfortable for a little girl. I feel like a horrible mom for even writing this. I'm already worried about not being enough for this baby, it will live a bubble for at least the first year of its life. For the first 4 months the baby will be compared to Jackson (there is probably no way around it even if its just in the back of my head). Having a rainbow baby I'm sure is hard for everyone, I hope that I am not the only one who has these thoughts. Tomorrow I will know. Then I just have to wait 4.5 more months to hold him or her and love them with all my heart.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Thoughts of you

Since becoming pregnant all I have thought about is Jackson. Sometimes I will be falling asleep at night and he is there. I wish I could say it was those days where he made me laugh or a fun memory that I shared with him but they are often of February 28th. The ones that reaccure more often are those of me telling my sister that he died, or the moment me stopped breathing, the moment when my parents came into room to see he was no longer with us. It makes me sad to think that those are the memories that I haven't been able to get rid of and all the happy ones gone.

We still have videos and pictures but we will eventually get to February 28th again and I will realize its been two years since he has been gone. My fear is that when this new little one comes it will be harder to remember him. That people will stop saying his name. I want to remember everything like the moment I held him for the first time, the first time he rolled over, the first time he smiled for me. I miss him so much some days that I still find myself crying in the car. I know this doesn't or will never get any easier. I just wish I could have one more day to hold him and tell him I love him.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Our Rainbow baby

After over a year of trying and 1 pregnancy loss Tim and I are very blessed to say that we are expecting a baby in April or May. This 12 weeks has been the longest that I have ever been through. Every pain or ache has been followed by fear and anxiety. Everytime I picked up something that I think was too heavy I would worry that something might happen. This pregnancy I know will not be an easy one but I know that I have many people around me to lean on when I need it.

We have told our families and close friends but have not announced it publicly on Facebook (so for those of you on my facebook please don't say anything). We have decided to go with a midwife again, but will be meeting with an OB around the week 34 mark to talk about having a VBAC. We have also already talked about meeting with an pediatritian after the baby is born to getting an ultra sound of the babies heart and any other tests to make sure that the baby is ok.

This pregnancy is so bittersweet. I always imagined having Jackson be there too. Watching the baby and trying to figure out what this new little baby is doing. The two of them growing up together and playing and getting dirty together. I'm worried about how I will react when this baby does things that I never got to see Jackson do. I'm worried about my anxiety level everytime that baby has the sniffles or vomits. I know that I will put my foot down more and make sure that my number one priority will be to make sure the baby is happy and that Tim and I are happy. I have lost so much and I don't want to take that chance again.

There are so many decisions to be made but most of them won't be made until we find out if its a boy or a girl. After that comes the emotional stuff and the biggest thing is going through Jackson's room. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. For now I am going to enjoy every second and every detail of this pregnancy and most of all not let the stress and anxiety get the better of me.

Monday, September 19, 2011

A special day without you there

After 6 months of planning, lots of tears, a few conflicts and me trying not to spin around in circles, Tim and I are finally married. We beat the odds and are still together after losing the most important person in our world. We decided from the get go that we would not have children in our wedding party, for one reason there are way to many nieces and nephews to co-operate but also because the only ring bearer I wanted was Jackson. I tried to imagine the day if he was there, in his suit matching his dad's. Him sitting at the head table in between us, getting food all over his nice suit and probably Tim's and my dress. Dancing with his cousins and then attacking the cupcakes and candy buffet, then eventually crashing around 9. Even though that is not how the day went I still felt his presence every step of the way. We paid tribute to our son on our special day through a prayer and lit a candle. We made sure that our wedding pictures had a piece of him present. The day was "perfect" and went fairly smoothly. I have a feeling our little man had something do with.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The kids...they'll surprise you.

I don't get paid enough to do what I do but I love it. I try to teach respect and especially try to get kids to work out their conflicts on their own. I didn't realize I was also showing a new generation that its ok to talk about the death of a baby. So it all started with a conversation about my tatoo.
Child: Lindsay why do you have a tatoo of Jackson on your back.
Me: Its not the Jackson from the daycare.
Child: Well then who is it?
Me: Its my son Jackson.
Child: You have a son, named Jackson.
Me: Yes, but he died when he was 4 months old.
Child:How did he die? Why did he die? Was he born early or late?

So for about 20 minutes I explained to children (in a child friendly manner) about how Jackson died, was I sad...etc. I talked to 8,9,10 year olds about my son. I was amazed that they asked so many questions and that they weren't freaked out. Yet people who are in their 20's and 30's can't even handle it. Even later I heard one of kids say, "see that tattoo on Lindsay's shoulder, its her son, he died when he was only 4 months old." Even I can't be as casual as that. Maybe I am teaching more then they need to know but unfortunately it happens to more women then just me. I'm not going to lie to them. I'm sure over the years it won't be the last time they hear it. So my hope is in 20 years if it happens to someone they know they won't be that person that runs uncomfortable about it but is the one that they can lean on. Now if we could just get some adults off the uncomfortable train then wouldn't be easier for everyone.

Friday, July 22, 2011

I've come a long way

I have been writing my blog a little bit over a year. I remember reading other women's blog and finding comfort in thier words. Things that helped them get through the first year and beyond. I remember the days when I first started writing, the feelings I had, the emotions I was going through. I remember the days when I would cry for hours, I couldn't be around people with tiny babies, and would reply "No I don't have children".

This are different now and I feel different now. I know I am not the same as I was before I lost Jackson but I feel better. Don't get me wrong I have my days, the ones where I look at videos or photos of Jackson and can't stop the tears from coming. Even thinking about the pictures for our wedding and knowing that Jackson will be missing. The thought brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it.

Some things that I have been able to overcome are going to a best friends baby shower. My best friend is having a baby in August and I can't wait for her little guy to join this world. I can honestly say I am excited for her as well as my sister. I know it took everything she had to tell me she was pregnant (shortly after I had lost my baby as well as having her son a week after Jackson died). She has not had it easy either but in her own way. Lisa I know you will read this but I am so very excited and proud of the mother and sister you are and have been to me. I can't wait to see our children grow up together and become best friends. I can only imagine what your speech will be at the wedding.

I remember being worried that I would have a meltdown everytime a friend would tell me they were pregnant. Now I am ok with it and can't wait to hear who is. I would love to say I just woke up and I was ok. Writing has helped me and but I think the thing that has helped me the most was Yoga and meditation with some wonderful women and from the beginning knew my whole story. I think that everyone should try different things that help them. Even if other people think its a little outside of the box or even if its in the box. If it works and makes you feel better then do it.
People will always judge you know matter what, but they haven't had to go through the loss of a child and I'm sure if they walked a mile in our shoes they would give them back. So take care of yourself in whatever way you need to and forget what the rest of world thinks.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

To Vaccinate or not to Vaccinate that is the debated question

Earlier this week I got into a discussion with a group of women about vaccination. I know right now I don't have to worry about it but it has been waying on my mind. Jackson got his 2 month needles and after that is when he got sick. Since then I have always wondered if that was part of the problem...along with his heart problem which still is inconclusive since we still haven't got a final autopsy report back.

Anyways working in childcare you hear a lot of things including information about vaccinations. I have met 3 different people who have told me their children were fine until they got their 18 month needles and then things took a turn and suddenly their children were diagnosed autistic. Now my paranoia is at a high. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate. I know lots of people who don't get their children vaccinated and all of their children are fine, I also know lots of children who have been vaccinated and all of them are fine.

I just don't know if I am willing to take the risk, but is it a risk either way. I will have to keep researching this information because I just don't know what I would do right now. I guess I could research the heck out of it but their would probably be no conclusive answer.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A baby at a baby memorial

Please be advised this is my opinion and only my opinion. You don't have to agree with me. You don't even have to like what I say. I know that everyone is different and processes things differently but I need to get out my " YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME" moment out and off my chest.

As I wrote before. I had a friend who recently lost her son. Tonight was his memorial. I just wanted to go wrap my arms around my friend and tell her how sorry I was for her loss. Having someone close to you who loses their child opens that wound again. I have thought so many times about Jackson the last couple of days. Looking at pictures of him, thinking about the last few hours he was alive at the hospital, remembering his smell. I miss him so much somedays and I don't even realize it. I guess I have learned to find a place to let the grief live in my life. When that wound is open again it takes over like it did before I found that place for it.

Tonight I think that the protector in me wanted to take over. Again my friend may be stronger and maybe more understanding then I was. After Jackson died, I didn't want to be around babies. Especially those that were the same age as him or even within their first year of life. When my sister had my nephew it took everything I had to go and hold him. I remember crying while I was holding him. I chose to do that, my sister never forced me to do that. Tonight someone thought it was a bright idea to bring their baby (actually two people thought it would be smart to bring babies) to a memorial for a baby. First of all, um who brings a baby to a memorial in the first place, second who brings a baby to a memorial for a baby.

Yes, I know what it means to support your friends in a time of need, but there are these new things called babysitters. I know that some people don't feel comfortable leaving their baby with a totally stranger, and sometimes grandma and grandpa have their own shit to do. So rotate with with someone else. The first person goes in and then hand off the baby, then the other person goes. Why rub salt in a wound that was just opened. I mean THINK! Oh I am so sorry that your baby died, but hey looking at my perfectly healthy baby. I bet if you google baby memorial etiquette, the first
thing will be, DON'T BRING A BABY!

Like I said before. Its my opinion and only mine. Everyone processes their grief differently. I do dumb things all the time. I just don't know if that would be one of them.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Rubbing my belly moment

Yesterday I had a moment. I was looking at my stomach and was rubbing it because I wasn't feeling well and I had heartburn like no other and I was feeling kinda sick(3 pregnancy tests later and still not pregnant). Anyways I babysit for this women who is pregnant and she is due around the same time as when I was suppose to be due. Actually come to think of it I have 3 women who are close to me that are due around the same time. I was admiring her belly and I realized if I had not had my miscarriage I would have that belly. I would be admiring my belly and maybe people would be doing the same. I recently went into my Maternity clothes bucket because I remembered I had some regular tank tops in there from when I lent them to my sister. As I was sifting through them I forgot some of the sweet clothes I had for summer. I would be wearing those clothes right now if I had not had the miscarriage. I would know right now what I was having, boy or girl. Tim and I would be discussing names and maybe trying to sift through Jackson's room trying to make sense of everything that is in there.

Anyways at that rubbing my belly moment I realized that I haven't let myself think about the miscarriage since it happened. I had a lot of things going on in February so I guess I just didn't let myself grieve for the baby I lost as I was grieving a year without Jackson. I would be about 23 weeks, over half way to the finish line. I would be rubbing my belly, waddling around, feeling the baby move. 23 weeks. Right now I am zero weeks pregnant and about 2 weeks until I go in for laproscopic surgery. Which really means the dr is going to go in with a camera and look at whats going on in my womb. I don't think he is going to find anything. At least that is what I hope. A guess another thing I haven't thought about too much. Which leaves me with why am I not getting pregnant. I am hoping that he offers me some drugs or I might beg him. I don't care if I get pregnant with 2 or 3. I don't care if he lies to me and tells me their drugs to get me pregnant but really they are just aspirin. Maybe it will trick my mind into thinking they will help. I just want to be the one who gets to shout from the roof tops that we did it. I will have to wait for at least another 2 months before we can try again. I think it will be good to take a break.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Another one joining the group

Whenever I hear of another mother joining our group it breaks my heart. A good friend and coworker recently just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, he only stayed for a few short days before he left his parents. I wish I could take away the pain and the long road ahead. No matter how short or long a life is, that life mattered. I just hope the other people around her understand that. Please pray for my friend, to get through this.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The ones that don't get it

"I can never imagine what you are going through", "I lost my (fill in the blank) I know how you feel", "Your not over that yet?". I have you heard those lines before. Chances are you probably have, some of them maybe even made you so mad that you wanted to punch them in the face. I have lost 3 grandparents, a friend and my son. The first two will never compare to losing my son. We as grieving parents know what it is like, to hope and wish for one more day with our child, for some of us even just to spend one day with our child. Grieving parents get it. Then there is a whole other group of people who don't get it or maybe they don't have the compassion to try and get it.

I was that person...before I lost Jackson. I feel guilty now for feeling the way I did, because I didn't get it. I felt awful for the parents that lost a child but couldn't understand why they felt the way they did for so long. I never said anything because I knew better to shut up and just listen but always wondered. Losing Jackson has changed me forever. Death has changed for me, when someone tells me that they have a friend who passed away my first thought is "their poor parents". You can't ever explain to others what it is like. The pain you feel everyday and the struggle to even get dressed in the morning. Having more children doesn't fill the void you feel just sometimes makes it more noticable. Wishing for your other child to come back and be a big brother or sister. Family pictures always incomplete your family always incomplete.

I would never wish this on anyone. I just wish people would realize that grief is different for everyone and different in every situation. Death is inevitable but it is not suppose to be the children that go first. More people need think before you speak. I would never say to anyone are you over it. Even before this. I hope I never hear it myself, because I really don't know how I would handle it. Hopefully I will be prepared with some words of wisdom for that person, even if it means ruining a friendship.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Who would you be

I remember when Jackson was born I always thought about when he got older. Would he be tall or short for his age. Would he still have his read hair? Soon it will come up to the time when you would be turning 18 months old. The moment when you are officially a toddler. I think about what you would be like at 18 months old. This is what I imagine you would be....

I see you in overalls in the back yard with your red hair. I see you following around your daddy in your rubber boot staring at the lake that produces in the backyard everytime it rains. I see you and the dogs standing ankle deep in the mud and smiling when I tell you to get out. I see toys thrown around the house, (and me following you around trying to teach you to put them away so the dogs don't eat them). I see you staring out the window and pointing at the cars as they go by, and yelling "big truck" when the trucks drop off milk and bread at the store. I see you playing dress up with your girl cousins and fighting with your boy ones. The one thing I am missing out the most is cuddling you when your sick because that is the only time it will happen now. I am missing out on the kisses and hugs. I am missing out on watching you grow up. It breaks my heart because I wanted so badly to watch that happen and now I don't.

I know I am not the only one that is missing out. Sometimes I forget that your daddy is missing out too. If it doesn't break my heart on what I am missing out on, it hurts even more seeing what he is also missing out on. Trips to Canadian Tire, watching the Canadians get to the finals and you and daddy razzing mommy because her Leafs never do. Going out for breakfast so mommy can sleep in on the weekends. I would do anything to take that pain away.

The one thing I might miss the most is your laugh, I never got to hear it before you left us. That is one thing I wish I could have heard. I love you son.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Bittersweet life

When the worst possible thing happens you, you would think that is it....right? I wish I could say that but I would be wrong. Yes the worst thing ever has happened to me, and yes the other bad things that happen to me are not the worst but they still suck. Everytime I feel like I am finally catching my breath the wind is knocked out of me again. I don't want to sit here and make everyone feel bad for me, that is not the purpose of my blog. The purpose is to get out everything I am feeling to get it out of my system so I can move on and feel better. I haven't been able to do that recently because I feared hurting two people that are very close to me, and I hope those two people read this and know that I love them very much, and as much as I would love life to stand still it goes on, as we all know first comes love, then comes marriage then goes someone pushing a baby carriage.

As everyone knows Tim and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 10 months now. I wish that I could say I was one of those people who could just let it go and let life happen and but it am I always thinking about it. Trying to stay positive and hopeful even when things don't turn out the way we wanted them. Recently I have been faced with another obstacle that I knew would eventually come but just not as soon as I thought. In Febrary of this year I found out my best friend was pregnant. When she told me I knew she was scared, she wasn't planning on getting pregnant and it happened. I being the best friend tried to reasure her, told her everything was going to be ok. Her and her husband had an army of people to support them. As much as I was happy for her, my heart was breaking for me. I know that is awful to say and maybe that is wrong but it is the truth. A few days later I found out I was also pregnant which, I was excited that we were going to have children only a few months apart. Just like us. Maybe they would grow up and be best friends too. As soon as I made plans for them, they were dashed away.

A month later I was feeling ok...with everything that happened. I felt like I was breathing again. Then I found out my sister was pregnant and due the same time I was suppose to be due. The universe just gave me another punch in the stomach. Again me sitting there happy for my sister but again my heart breaking. I keep thinking why does this keep happening. Why can't I just be the excited best friend and sister. I try so hard to be there for them but sometimes I just don't have it in me to give that. Now I have started preparing myself for someone to say those 2 words "I'm pregnant". I even have a signal with Tim to tell him to get me out of here before I have a meltdown. This isn't fair, I just want to be happy for others, without strings attached. I wish I could say this is the last time it will happen, but I know its not. Life isn't fair, but I guess I just have to prepare for it.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Why I hate Walmart!

Most people would love Walmart especially the super Walmart that has groceries, pharmacy,clothes...etc. I on the other hand do not like it. The place is a zoo no matter what day you go there and at any time. Whenever I need the pharmacy the drugs that I need are always locked up so I have to go somewhere else. Did I mention it is a zoo in there and sometimes I aimlessly go up and down the eisle looking for things because I am not quite sure what area they will be in.

One more reason I hate Walmart is because of the families. They are all there buying all the things that families need, diapers, food for a family of 4,toys that really the children don't need but you got suckered into buying anyways. I recently went to pick up a few things before I had to pick up my dogs and everyone and their baby was there. Literally. I saw one family who the mother and father looked to be about 23 and they already had 4 children. Single mothers screaming at their kids and babies, everyone had babies. Tiny babies only a few weeks old.

I think the last time I went there will be the nail in the head for me. I think I need to do my shopping at a new location. Probably Zellars where all the old people hang out....without their babies.

Monday, February 28, 2011

February 28th, the day you left us and my heart was broken

February 28th. I can remember it like it was yesterday. We got into Kingston the night before. By the time you were admited and hooked up to a feeding tube and had some tests done it was midnight. They luckily let daddy stay because it was so late. Tim and I took turns on the cot but neither one of us slept because of worry. Early the next morning the doctors came to see you again. The morning was hopeful they said you had RSV and had gotten brocillitis because of it. They said we were going to have to stay for a week. Grandma Sue said she was going to come up later that week to keep me company and to visit you. If I had known that something was wrong I would have told her to come that moment.

Grandma and Grandpa G and Aunt T came up to visit you for the day. As the day wore on Daddy and I didn't leave your side. Even when we went to eat lunch we shovelled the food in so fast just so we could get back. Things started to change drastically. Your colouring changed and you were getting a fever. They wanted to admit you to the pediatric ICU. Grandma G called Grandma Sue because I wanted her there. I knew something was wrong. I was holding you when Grandma G said he doesn't look like he's breathing. The nurse took you from me. I screamed for you to breath to wake up. They told me I had to go. I wanted to stay. We went to the waiting room. We cried and prayed they would get you breathing. The minutes felt like hours. Finally the doctor came and told us you were breathing but it didn't look good. They gave you two different kinds of drugs for your heart but they didn't work. Me and Daddy finally got to see you. You kept looking at us with your big blue eyes. Your heart rate improved and I thought you were going to pull through. They thought you were stable enought to go to ICU but on the way you stopped breathing again. By the time we saw you in ICU the doctor told us that there really was no hope. I wanted to hit him and tell him to F off.

Finally they placed you in my arms. I rocked you as your heart stopped breathing. Daddy held you when you came into the world and I held you when you left it. They let us all hold you. When Grandma Sue, Grandpa Charlie, Aunt Lisa and Uncle A showed up they held you too. I had never seen my dad breakdown like that. I told Aunt Lisa that you had died. I was so worried she was going to go into labour. Finally we took your footrints and handprints and a piece of your red hair. We said goodbye.

You are loved and missed by so many people. You touched the lives of so many people. Jackson you are and always will be the best part of our world. We miss you so much and always will. You took a piece of our hearts when you left this day. I hope you get our messages we send to you. Love you my son.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Family Day

In Canada we get this wonderful holiday called Family Day. Most people spend it enjoying time with your families. Last year I remember Jackson was sick. I had just taken him to the Doctor the first time because he wasn't gaining any weight and he was sounding congested. I remember my mom and pregnant sister came down because it was one of the last times she was suppose to travel before she had her baby. I was worried about Jackson and wanted to get his urine sample to the doctors before it closed instead of waiting for Monday. Tim left work early so we could get him there in time. I remember waiting for his antibiotics at the Walmart. Everyone kept coming up to see him and talk about his red hair and his smile. For being a sick little guy he was still cheerful.

I remember never being worried that the next weekend I would be taking him to the hospital, that next weekend we would be rushed to Kingston, that next weekend he would die. This was the last weekend with him that I wasn't scared, that I completely thought that the antibiotics would make him better and that he would be fine. I just want to go back to that time and just hold him, kiss him, and believe that everything was going to be ok.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A week of change

Last week you could have told me the sky was falling and I wouldn't have cared. I was over the moon. WE DID IT! I was pregnant and I took 4 tests to prove it. I couldn't believe that we had finally did it. Pregnant, the plus sign, the yes, it was right in front of us. I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them we had did it. I was pregnant. The bittersweet part was that this baby would be due at the same time as Jackson was born. All of the milestones I hit would be the same as Jackson. We even found out we were pregnant at the same time. I didn't care because we had did it, we were pregnant, but my hopes and dreams were dashed just as quickly as they came.

11:00 am on Monday everything changed. There was blood and lots of it. I had no cramping to know that it was happening but I knew that much blood was not normal. I don't remember the drive to pick up Tim. I don't remember the drive to the hospital. What I do remember was screaming at God asking him how he could do this to us again. At the hospital they can't tell you for sure whether or not your having a miscarriage, at least not until all the blood work comes back. I knew though. I wasn't pregnant anymore and I was having a miscarriage, and 14 days before I had to relive losing my son. Where is the fairness in that? Nothing makes you feel better, even the doctors with their statistics (25 - 30% of all pregnancies end in misscarriage). This all doesn't change the fact that it was happening. I wish my week of saddness stopped there but we were also finding out what Jackson's autopsy report said.

I had no expectations going in to the doctor other then (please don't make it genetic). Unfortunately the full report was not ready but the preliminary was. Our doctor read back the report, and would stop and go over what different things meant. Those 24 hours came flooding back to me like it happened yesterday. Every moment detailed and typed forever the reminder of the hours we went through wondering what was wrong with Jackson. The first time he went into arrest, the second time he arrested and the last moments when he died in my arms. The last sentence stating they think there was a problem with his coronary artery.

This meant he had it from birth, but no one picked it up. Unless someone in either of our families had heart problems they wouldn't have tested for it. A ticking time bomb waiting to go off at any moment. The bladder infection, combined with the rsv was to overwhelming to him and his heart just gave out. We hope the final report will tell us if it is for sure genetic or just a fluke. Either way the doctor reasured us that now they will do a more intensive screening on future babies. She also said that doesn't mean that any of our other children will have that problem. That doesn't bring back Jackson. Knowing doesn't make me feel any better or any worse I am just numb. Now my anxiety of having babies is over the top. Will I have another miscarriage? Will my other children have heart problems? I want to be that naive mom that doesn't think anything will happen and that all babies are born healthy. I don't get to be that mom....I can't get that back.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Over sensitive or just the aftermath of losing a baby

Yesterday it was the great snow storm of 2011. I was one of the lucky ones that didn't have to risk their lives to get to work and got to stay home in my nice cozy house and veg out on the couch all day. Something that rarely happens, I caught up on Ellen and watched regular tv. I think at one point I had seen the Syndney Crosby Tim Horton's commercial 5 times within an hour (and that was without channel surfing). Then a McDonald's commercial came on and I noticed it was a new one. The just of the commerical was it would show a clip of someone in the present either a couple, or a football team ordering Mcdonald's then it would flashback to when they were kids or teens and ordering McDonald's. There was flashback and it had a couple sitting with their two children enjoying a meal together and then it flashbacked to when the women was pregnant. I just teared up and started crying. A McDonald's commercial made me cry and that wasn't the first one that has done it. During Christmas Disney had commercials of families surprising their children with a trip to Disney world. No matter how many times I saw the commercial and even if they were back to back I would burst into tears.

I even cry when I see a father and son together or baby being born on tv. Sometimes I can't control it and the tears just flow. I know that a lot has to do with me never being able to have those moments with Jackson and I especially get upset for father /son moments because Tim won't get those either. Sometimes even things not related to children make me cry. Is it because I lost Jackson I am this way or because I am mom.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Letting other people know

I have mentioned before that I have started a new job and with that I have decided to let other people in. I have told my boss and my coworker about Jackson. Not to much information just that I have a son but he has died. I guess I wasn't sure what kind of reception I would get and I know that it catches others off guard. I guess I wouldn't know what to say when someone would tell me the same before.

The end is getting near, its now February and unfortunately its the shortest month of the year. Not that it will change anything when I get to the 28th, it won't bring Jackson back and I will probably just relive that day with Tim and wonder where things went wrong. How I miss him. What I would give for just one more day to hold him in my arms and feel like everything would be ok. This is what I really want to tell people.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Hard to believe

When I look at pictures of Jackson it's hard to believe they are real. I can't believe that one time in my life I had a living breathing baby boy, who smiled and talked. Soon it will almost be a year since I fed, rocked, dressed and felt and smelled his skin. Where has this agonizing time gone by? Why has it gone so quickly?

I remember never feeling scared about having Jackson. Never scared of the pain I might endure. Never once thinking of a time without him not being here. Sometimes its hard to beleive he was really here. The only remenents are a room filled with baby stuff and pictures on the wall. They are the only things left to remind me of a time where life was simple and my son was still alive. Why was I the mother to take on this pain and loss?

I still have days where I feel the unfairness of it all. Where I hug and love children who are not mine because their own mothers won't or can't. I wish I could take these children home and show them what a real mother should do for them and what I would have done for my Jackson if he were still here. The clock keeps ticking and I keep watching as the days go by only to get closer to February 28th when I lost Jackson forever.

As soon as I find a date I can get into the doctor I will find out what took our little boy. I hope I am prepared for whatever the doctor might tell us. I know that nothing will be bring him back but I hope that I am able to handle whatever the doctor might tell us.

I year ago today I had Jackson in my arms and I would have never thought then that I wouldn't have him now. Life seemed full of possiblilities then but now I don't know anymore. I still can't believe how fast time has flown by.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I haven't been this emotional in awhile. I feel like the tears are always there lately, just waiting for something to get me crying. I cried on the way to work because a song came on the radio, I cried all the way home. I cried when I got home. As soon as I think about Jackson or say his name it just floods through me. I know that the first anniversery is coming soon so I don't know if that is what is bringing all these emotions to the surface. I obviously have good days and bad but lately it has been more. Is this normal? Is this how I am going to be until February?

New Job. New hurdles

I have just recently started a new job, with that comes new co workers. These ladies I work with have no idea about Jackson....and I know it will come out eventually. I know people say you will know when the time is right, but I am afraid that before then I might burst into tears. When people talk about their children or their lives I want to share. I have held back a lot and sometimes I feel like such a fraud. I have living this big lie that no one will really understand, or will they. Sometimes people will surprise you and share a story of a baby loss in their lives. I don't want their sympathy I just want them to know. I want to be able to talk about Jackson and share with them his short but important life. He was important to me and always will be and I just want others to know that.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010 you can suck it!

For me last night when the clock struck 12 I wasn't sad to see another year pass. I was excited to see what the future brought. I feel like it can't be any worse then last year.

2010 I started off thinking it was going to be a great year. I had a son, who was wonderful and special. A boyfriend who was a great father and provider for both of us. A sister who was about to have a son too, only 4 months younger then Jackson. The Olympics I was so looking forward to sharing with Jackson.(I know he was only 4 months but it was something special I wanted to share with him). Tim and I were also trying to plan when we would start trying again. I always wanted my children to be close in age like my sister and I. 17 months isn't that close ha ha.

2010 did not go as planned. February 28th I lost my son and still don't know what caused him to die. 2011 I want to find out what took my son and learn from it to become a better and more informed parent. A week after Jackson died, my nephew was born. Only 7 days between a life taken and a life given. I watch him and wonder what may have been. I am not going to lie I pushed myself to hold him and love him. Which I can say is not hard because he is such a wonderful little boy himself. My sister even greater because always understanding of how far I could go.

2010 also made and honest woman out of me, with a proposal from Tim. He made it very memorable and magical. I think that is where my new love for the outdoors has come from. This year has taught me a lot about love and friendship. People who I thought would be there for me that weren't and those who came from my past that lended me their hand. Family members I have grown closer with and have shown me true support.

2011 I know will be a better year. Filled with joy and hope. A new job that which is only a maternity leave but once I impress them with my childcare skills they will only have to keep me and find a permenant job. I will be a stronger and better person for getting through this year and I know I have one more anniversery to get through but I have all the love and support to get through it. So to 2010 I want to tell you it has been nice knowing you but 2011 will be a better year then you.

To all those who have helped us through this year, especially the BLM's that I have met through my blog. Thank you for holding us up when we needed it, for providing a box of tissues when the tears didn't seem to stop flowing. For your kind words, and hugs. You have been a our silent cheering section when we needed you the most. To all those family have been through operations and sickness, we are here for you and love you. 2011 will be a better year for all. For those mom's who find this blog because you have lost your child, hold on, it will be hard, you will never forget, people will say some crazy things but I am here for you even if you don't know me yet. My hand is open whenever you need someone to hold it. Love and take care of eachother. Jackson's mommy.