November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Optimistic or just fooling myself

I can honestly say that I have been through a dark period recently. I was a point where I felt like the world didn't understand or even care what I was going through. Work sucked because it was the time I was suppose to go back to work with Jackson. One of the supervisors flipped out because we didn't have a picture of her daughter for her scrapbook. Guess which employee had to bite her tongue. I almost had a "Thank You Card" moment. Then I thought I had lost my 4 day work week which sort of put the nail in the coffin for me. Then I took a week off, I missed work, I missed my co-workers, I missed the kids and they missed me.

Then there is the pregnancy thing. Still workin on it. Friday my period started again. I said a few swear words and cursed the universe for doing this to me. I always use to say that women who said "were taking a break from trying" were just fooling themselves. No one really gives up trying. I know my cycle more then I ever cared to learn. Then Friday happened and I thought now I know why women give up trying. The stress, worry, the anticipation only to have it go to shit. I know now why women give up and they don't fool themselves they do actually give up.

In all this darkness, I had a moment. Last night I was walking with Tim (were walking now so we get out of the house and enjoy the fall air). I thought maybe the universe is doing this just till I get over Jackson's birthday. Maybe I need to get over that hurdle and then good things will come. I really truly thought that good things are coming, but I have to be patient (which is something I am so good at). I hope that I am not fooling myself and that good, great and wonderful things are going to come or maybe after all this I can be optimistic again.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

What I would give

October 21st 2009.

Jackson's due date. I remember it because of the anticipation, waiting for our little boy to arrive. Tim stayed home from work that day. Wishful thinking I guess. While I slept in Tim went online and looked up natural ways to induce labour. When I woke up Tim gave me a massage on the pressure points that would induce labour. They didn't work, or any of the other tricks that came up. I had a midwife appointment that day where she also tried to induce labour herself. We also went over the options that I could do if it came down to going to the hospital to be induced. I told her that I wasn't going anymore then a week over. I couldn't wait any longer to meet Jackson. I remember being so excited, scared and happy.I would give anything to go back to that time. To feel him stretching into my rib cage. To have heartburn so bad that even the mildest of foods would bring it on. I would love to get up and pee 4 times in the night, wake up at 3:30am because my side was numb and I couldn't sleep. What I would give to drink castor oil thinking maybe that would help bring on labour. I would do anything to be pregnant, happy and thankful again. Instead, I am not pregnant, happy or thankful. I should be planning a birthday party not a rememberance. I should be buying up Toys R Us not crying everytime I hear happy birthday. In two weeks I have to relive the happiest day of my life without the one person who made it the happiest day of my life.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

When is it my time...

After Jackson died I went back to work 22 days after it happened. I wish I could say I was ready but I can honestly say I was fooling myself into thinking that. I didn't have a choice at the time because Tim was laid off from his employer because there was no work. So the only choice I had was to go back or lose our house which I was clearly not ready to leave. Then Tim got a job and I was thinking about taking a leave of absence. Then my dog had to have a 450 dollar operation and then the other one had 250 dollar operation. So I thought well maybe I can just take a week off, but as I sit here my boyfriend has been off all week also because there is no work. I am anticipating that it could be for awhile. So again I get put on the back burner. I just want some time. Some time to not pretend that life is going good, to not pretend that everyday is a struggle. I feel like everytime I need to take a me vacation something always stands in my way, its so unfair and I don't know if anyone realizes how much I need the time. Why can't there be a way to do it without feeling guilty, without worry about bills. I wish that it was possible but right now its looking pretty impossible. So next week I will be painting the smile back on my face and going to work because that is all I can do.