November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A year since....

Last weekend while sitting at a friends wedding shower watching her open gifts, smiling and laughing. I couldn't help but remember that it had been a year since I too was smiling and laughing while opening my baby shower gifts. The first of three to be exact. Jackson was spoiled by everyone and he wasn't even close to coming into the world yet. I remember thinking what am I going to do with all these sleepers. Now they sit in buckets, labelled with the sizes, maybe never to be worn by another. The beginning of October will be a year since I went on Maternity leave. Now instead of making a spot for Jackson at the daycare, I wonder if Jackson would be the same size as the new babies starting. Would he have been friends with them? Would I be harrassing the baby teachers to come get me if he did anything important.
A year ago people were asking me if I was ready to finally have Jackson. Was I excited or nervous, was I going to get an epidural or try and deal with the pain. Now people ask me how I am doing, and that they are thinking of me even if they don't always say it. The biggest thing is that it will be his birthday. I know your probably thinking but Lindsay its 2 months away but November 2nd will be here in the blink of an eye. They already are putting Halloween decorations and costumes in the flyers which is reminder that its really not the far away.

Monday, August 2, 2010

5 months since you have been gone

Normally you count how old your children get. When they are born you count by weeks, then by months and then eventually years. No one ever counts the days, months or years its been since your child's death. Maybe its because we are never suppose to. I haven't thought about how long it has been since Jackson died, until today. August 2nd we should have been celebrating his 9 months, instead it made me realize that it has been 5 months since February 28th. I can't believe that 5 months has gone by since that day, I guess time flys when your living in a daze. I can honestly say I don't know what has happened in these last 5 months. I look forward to my weekends where my boyfriend tries and gets me to do something other then sit inside. Lately it seems everyone is out with their babies, which makes it harder. Me always wondering if that is what Jackson would be doing. Would his hair have changed colour or still be red? Would his mohawk still be in tact? Even last night when we went out for dinner 4 huge families sat around us. One with a baby and another with 3 boys. I jelously watched wishing that Jackson was sitting in a high chair with us, making us laugh. Instead we try not to make eye contact with other people trying to hide how sad we are that were eating alone. Eventually I hope that I will be able to work through this but in the mean time we should wait until the cold weather keeps everyone else inside.