Tomorrow will be a month

Today is March, 27th 2010, and as I look at the calendar it will be a month since my son has died. Before Jackson died Sunday use to be family fun day. The day were my boyfriend and I would push aside everything that we needed to do and just be together and relax as a family. Now when Sunday comes I want to put my head under the covers and hope that day ends quickly and that Monday morning comes. I miss him so much it hurts somedays. I feel a pain in chest that doesn't go away, it really does feel like my heart is breaking everytime I realize that he isn't here and he won't be coming back. I want to hit rewind on my life and go back to that day and hope that something will change and that he didn't stop breathing in my arms. God I just think about that moment, every Sunday. I remember the day we brought him home and I was so nervous and scared, but so excited to have my beautiful baby boy home. I didn't get enough time with him and should be looking at the calendar and getting ready to celebrate his 5th month of life. Unfornately what I have discovered in this past 4 weeks is that life isn't what you always think its going to be or what its suppose to be.