Friday, April 16, 2010
I have been to 2 meetings now and have been told I am now part of "the club". I always wanted to be part of a club, but this one I never thought or wanted to be a participant of. Everyone's story is a little bit different then the rest but the result is all the same. We don't have our children here with us anymore and for that reason were in "the club" as they call it. Lately I am having a hard time with my day to day life. I think about Jackson but sometimes I think maybe it isn't real, was he really here or was that just a dream. I know it sounds awful to think that Jackson wasn't real, because he was definately 100% real. I have a c-section scar, stretch marks, a tattoo of his beautiful face and a broken heart to prove that he was real. The facilitator at the baby loss meeting I went to said this would probably be a hard couple of days because I was reliving Jackson's death. I just can't believe that I will have to live without him for the rest of my life, but now I see people at these meetings who have done it for 19 years, 10 years and I'm sure there are some out there who have had to deal with it longer. The facilitator also asked how go to work everyday...I don't even remember somedays what happened because I just go through the motions and hope for 4pm to come fast.