Who would you be

I remember when Jackson was born I always thought about when he got older. Would he be tall or short for his age. Would he still have his read hair? Soon it will come up to the time when you would be turning 18 months old. The moment when you are officially a toddler. I think about what you would be like at 18 months old. This is what I imagine you would be....

I see you in overalls in the back yard with your red hair. I see you following around your daddy in your rubber boot staring at the lake that produces in the backyard everytime it rains. I see you and the dogs standing ankle deep in the mud and smiling when I tell you to get out. I see toys thrown around the house, (and me following you around trying to teach you to put them away so the dogs don't eat them). I see you staring out the window and pointing at the cars as they go by, and yelling "big truck" when the trucks drop off milk and bread at the store. I see you playing dress up with your girl cousins and fighting with your boy ones. The one thing I am missing out the most is cuddling you when your sick because that is the only time it will happen now. I am missing out on the kisses and hugs. I am missing out on watching you grow up. It breaks my heart because I wanted so badly to watch that happen and now I don't.

I know I am not the only one that is missing out. Sometimes I forget that your daddy is missing out too. If it doesn't break my heart on what I am missing out on, it hurts even more seeing what he is also missing out on. Trips to Canadian Tire, watching the Canadians get to the finals and you and daddy razzing mommy because her Leafs never do. Going out for breakfast so mommy can sleep in on the weekends. I would do anything to take that pain away.

The one thing I might miss the most is your laugh, I never got to hear it before you left us. That is one thing I wish I could have heard. I love you son.

Bittersweet life

When the worst possible thing happens you, you would think that is it....right? I wish I could say that but I would be wrong. Yes the worst thing ever has happened to me, and yes the other bad things that happen to me are not the worst but they still suck. Everytime I feel like I am finally catching my breath the wind is knocked out of me again. I don't want to sit here and make everyone feel bad for me, that is not the purpose of my blog. The purpose is to get out everything I am feeling to get it out of my system so I can move on and feel better. I haven't been able to do that recently because I feared hurting two people that are very close to me, and I hope those two people read this and know that I love them very much, and as much as I would love life to stand still it goes on, as we all know first comes love, then comes marriage then goes someone pushing a baby carriage.

As everyone knows Tim and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 10 months now. I wish that I could say I was one of those people who could just let it go and let life happen and but it am I always thinking about it. Trying to stay positive and hopeful even when things don't turn out the way we wanted them. Recently I have been faced with another obstacle that I knew would eventually come but just not as soon as I thought. In Febrary of this year I found out my best friend was pregnant. When she told me I knew she was scared, she wasn't planning on getting pregnant and it happened. I being the best friend tried to reasure her, told her everything was going to be ok. Her and her husband had an army of people to support them. As much as I was happy for her, my heart was breaking for me. I know that is awful to say and maybe that is wrong but it is the truth. A few days later I found out I was also pregnant which, I was excited that we were going to have children only a few months apart. Just like us. Maybe they would grow up and be best friends too. As soon as I made plans for them, they were dashed away.

A month later I was feeling ok...with everything that happened. I felt like I was breathing again. Then I found out my sister was pregnant and due the same time I was suppose to be due. The universe just gave me another punch in the stomach. Again me sitting there happy for my sister but again my heart breaking. I keep thinking why does this keep happening. Why can't I just be the excited best friend and sister. I try so hard to be there for them but sometimes I just don't have it in me to give that. Now I have started preparing myself for someone to say those 2 words "I'm pregnant". I even have a signal with Tim to tell him to get me out of here before I have a meltdown. This isn't fair, I just want to be happy for others, without strings attached. I wish I could say this is the last time it will happen, but I know its not. Life isn't fair, but I guess I just have to prepare for it.