November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Sunday, October 28, 2012

6 months, where has the time gone

I am a horrible blogger. Although with a 6 month old who is a little independant monkey I sometimes don't have the time. Currently she is trying to get out of her play tube and pull things off the table. Ummmmmmm is this what a 6 month old should be doing? She is getting her own personality and its big and wild and hilarious. She has started eating cereal and were slowing incorporating other foods. She loves sweet potatoes, and green beans and oddly enough hates bananas, like makes the most disgusted face and actually gagged the one day. She will hopefully be my little veggie eater. Her hair absolutely needs a trim but I am holding off, even though it also has a personality of its own. She is cute enough that she can pull off bed head, me not so much. Next week I return to work and she is coming with me. I am excited to have somewhere to go everyday (although I'm sure those nights that she decides to get up I won't be). I am nervous because I have never had to get myself and someone else out the door in the morning. I am a little crazy about baby organization so I usually have everything done the night before. Plus I can bring her to work in her pj's and get her ready at work if I have to. The joys of being and ECE teacher in the infant room. Last night she made the decision to sleep in her own bed, and by that I mean we put her in her bed while she settled and just passed out. She actually did that a lot, popping her soother back in and falling asleep. I just wish she would sleep on her back, but she is getting over a cold and it seems to help with her cough. I guess that was my sign that she is ready to move into her bed. Everyday is a new adventure with her, I can only imagine what Jackson might have been like at this age too. I think about him so much lately. When I see a 3 year old I wonder if he would be that big and would he love having a little sister. My nephew was playing with another 3 year old boy at a party recently and he squealed because he was so excited to have another boy to play with, it broke my heart that Jackson wasn't here to play with him. In a couple of weeks we will be celebrating his 3rd birthday, its hard to believe that I should have a little 3 year old running around. This year we are going away again for his birthday and hope that the rain clears so we can enjoy some hikes with our (new to us) backpack carrier. This year Marleigh will have to send a balloon to him too.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 10 - Symbol

I know this is weird but I love snow, it makes me happy and somehow makes me feel closer to my son. He was born in November but the time we spent was during the snowy winter months.

Day 9 - Special Place

On Jackson's first birthday we wanted to get away and relax and not have to listen to the phone ring or have people knocking on our door to make sure we were ok. So we went away. We decided to get away to Algonquin Park. My husband and I had never been. When we arrived at the cottage it had snowed and was so beautiful and peaceful. Now we try to go back every year.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Day 7 - What to say

There is nothing better then when people ask about Jackson or even just for people to call him by name. That makes me heart sing.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Day 6 - What not to say

There are so many things. I have been lucky in the sense that my family has never said anything about "getting over it" or "the new baby will help" or the best "I know what you have been through". Probably the worst thing someone has said in my presence was "oh I'm sure Lindsay has tons of boys stuff she would probably sell you". First of all it was not so much as 3 months after I lost my son but second the only little boy that is going to wear or touch his stuff is his younger brother.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Day 5 - Memorial

I do have a space in my home that is a memorial for Jackson but I wanted to use my tattoo for this day. This is my memorial to my son that I keep with me always my husband has the same one on his opposite shoulder. He is always looking over my shoulder and whenever there is a special occasion like my wedding he was with me.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Day 4 - Treasured Item

I have box that I keep in his room. In it contains little pieces of him, things he touched, wore, handprints/footprints and a clipping of his hair. Things that remind me of him. I also have stuff in ziploc bags so that when I open them they still smell like him. The blanket was something my family gave me after he died. Sometimes when I am laying on the couch cuddling with my daughter I pull it over us to make me feel like I have all my babies together.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 3 - Portrait after loss

This picture was taken about two weeks after Jackson died. My sister was pregnant with her first at the same time as I was pregnant with mine. She found out that she was going to have a boy in October shortly before we had Jackson. We were so excited that we were going to have babies and they were both going to be boys! Best friends! Our son died February 28th 2010 and my nephew was born March 7th 2010. One week,between the loss of my son and the birth of my nephew. This is me holding my nephew for the first time. My sister was always wonderful and never pressured me to hold him but I never wanted to look back and regret not holding him while he was a baby. I remember I cried the whole way home after holding him, but 2.5 years later I still don't regret that decision. I look at the picture and I remember how broken I was. How all I wanted was for Jackson to be there with us to enjoy his new baby cousin.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 2 - Self portrait from before loss

This picture is from the day Jackson was born. After being in labour for 8 hours and not dialating the doctor decided to do a c-section. This is in the recovery room after the surgery. I was shaking from the medication and couldn't feel over half my body but I couldn't wait any longer to hold my son. Best day of my life. Only 4 short months later we would be back at the hospital saying good-bye to him. Life as we know it would never be the same.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Capture your Grief - Day One Sunrise

October is a tough month for me to get through. The aniexty of knowing at the end of October will be November and I will have to celebrate yet another year without my sweet baby Jackson. When I read about Capture your Grief I wanted to be involved to help my mind focus on something else then counting the days until Jackson's birthday. Day one we were suppose to take a picture of a Sunrise. I had all the best of intentions of getting a picture of the sun rising this morning. My very cute and early rising alarm clock went off at 5am this morning. My first day did not go as planned. I watched the sun rise as I put her back to sleep for her first of 2 morning naps. Oh well as we know with babies they have their own schedule and when they need you, they need you. So I know that we were to take a picture from today's sunrise but there is one that is much more beautiful then the one that was out there today (at least from my neck of the woods). This sunrise is from the day Jackson was born. I remember looking at it after many hours of labour with no progress and thinking how beautiful it was. As they wheeled me into the OR to have a C-section there was a window where I could continue to watch the sun come up. So as the sun came up November 2nd 2009 my son came into this world.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Uncharted waters

I wish I could say that after making it to the 4 month mark I took a deep breath in and then was able to relax. I wish I could say that, but now I am trying to navigate uncharted waters. I have asked my sister and best friend a million questions because I don't have any clue about anything a baby does after 4 months. Currently she is amazing. Wait a minute she is always amazing. I have never wiped so much drool off a baby and have change her shirt at least twice a day.(I should put a bib on her but they just are not cute looking). She is growing like a weed. I swear last week in her jumperoo she was still on her toes and this week I had to move it up. I have put away all her 3-6 month clothing and had to laugh at some of the outfits because I did squeeze her into some one last time. She loves rolling from her back to front but has not mastered from front to back. I really wish she would because I freak out when I find her on her stomach in the middle of the night. I haven't moved her to her crib. I worry that the longer she stays the harder it will be on me to let her go in her own room. On the other hand if my husband ends up going away for work then I don't know if I want her in her room anyways. Marleigh has just experienced her first cold. Mommy and daddy are hating every minute of it. You can't really do anything for a sick baby but saline and bulb sucking which she hates soooooo much and screams everytime I do it. I had forgotten Johnson's made a vapour bath which I made Tim go and get and I tried last night and helped her a lot. We also tried rice cereal which she didn't really like and ended up spitting all over herself. I think we will wait another week. We are celebrating 5 months today. She is hilarious and is getting a little personality of her own. After Tim was off for a week they have really bonded and she doesn't freak out anymore with him. I love watching them together they are so much alike. I still have my good days and bad. I find at the end of the day when I'm rocking her to sleep is when its the hardest. I imagine an almost 3 year old coming in to give his little sister a kiss goodnight or having him entertain her while I'm doing stuff around the house. This thanksgiving my sister is coming home and I am anticipating it be hard. Her son and Jackson were only 4 months apart and her daughther and Marleigh are 6 months apart. I would love to see them all playing together. I wish Jackson was here to play with his little boy cousin. I think they would be great friends.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

IS the Universe just messin with me

Before Marleigh was even born I always was worried about the first 4 months. Worried about her health, things I would be looking for. When we went to Sick Kids and got the testing done I felt I could finally take a breather for awhile. Actually I hadn't even thought about the 4 months since the day we came home from Sick Kids. On the eve of my little girl turning 3 months it all came back...and slapped me in the face. Today Marleigh has been spitting up a lot, to be honest (pardon the TMI she hasn't pooped since yesterday, which if she hasn't she does tend to spit up a lot. Makes sense there is no room at the inn so to speak. She felt warm to me so I took her temp (nothing)and I was worried she looked a little pale, Tim said the same thing when he got home. So then my wheels started turning. Boy had I wished they had stayed still. When getting pregnant with Jackson my goal was to be off on maternity leave for the winter Olympics in Vancouver. Weird but I was slightly obsessed with the Olympics. Ok here is the very weird coinsidence that is making me a little bit crazy. Jackson was 3 months when the Olympics started, Marleigh is turning 3 months tomorrow and the Olympics start Friday. So now I am freaked out. I know the Olympics has nothing to do with Jackson dying, but its just a weird freaky coinsidence. Now my paranoia of the first 4 months is coming back to haunt me. Is the universe testing my mental state for this next month, I am looking forward to August 26th, 4 months and 1 day. Just let me get there in one piece.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Moving Marleigh

Bassinet to Crib, my room to her room, can't she just stay in our room forever. Last week we made the decision to move Marleigh to her own room. The decison was a hard one for both of us, me more(although secretly I don't think Tim was excited either by the idea). I like having her right there, I can see her, hear her and comfort her if she needs it. She is almost 15 pounds and will be 3 months in a week, so why not get her in her own room. I just wish her room was closer...its all the way down the hall which takes about 5 seconds to get to (yes for me 5 seconds is too far). Plus she was doing awesome and sleeping from 7:30/8:00 to about 4 or 5am so I wouldn't be walking the halls all night to feed her. None of these things gave me comfort but what I do know is the longer she sleeps in our room the harder it will be for both of us to make the switch. So last week we started on Saturday (that way if she got up lots Tim could help). Well the first night I ended up sleeping in the Lazy Boy in her room. Night two her Angel Care monitor went off and I ended up in her room again. Wednesday it went off a couple of times and she ended up back in our room. We have recently adjusted the monitor and repositioned it in her bed, but she is still in our room. I think when I get back from visiting my mom I will make a go of it again. I really need her to be settled in her crib by September because I may have to go back to work shortly after that or even start working part time. I love Canada for giving us a year but I unfortunately they don't make it affordable. Anyone else have this problem out there? Anyone have any suggestions? I just want her to be safe and I want to not go crazy with worry all the time.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Jackson and Marleigh

In the last 7 weeks I have realized a BIG difference between my children. Those differences I wish were more evident when Jackson was alive. These differences maybe would have made me second guess the health of Jackson. Both of my babies were big, Jackson was 9lbs 4oz and Marleigh 9lbs 10oz. When Jackson was learning to breast feed he didn't take to it as soon as Marleigh did. This could have been for a number of reason, me having been through the labour process (I tried a number of pain relief options before I got the epidural), then finally having to have a c-section probably caused him to be a little sleepier then other baby's. Also me being a first time mom and not really knowing how to breast feed was a other factor. Marleigh on the other hand was a fabulous breastfeeder right off the bat. I did have to have a c-section but I didn't have the same amount of pain relievers in my system as I did with Jackson. Once Jackson and I figured out the breast feeding he gained a lot in the first 2 months. Compared to Marleigh, currently she is 12lbs 13oz and only 7 weeks. Yes she started out bigger but when Jackson died he barely topped the scales at 12lbs 3oz and that was at 4 months. Right away a alarm should have went off in my brain. Jackson didn't gain any weight from his 2 month check up to the time I took him to the doctor when he started getting sick. Actually an alarm should have went off in my doctor's head. Since Jackson has died we have found a new doctor, who I can say is amazing actually the whole office is. They all know our story and all are kind and go that extra mile. Anyways my new doctor said something that has made me think (I wish I had you when Jackson was alive)one of the signs that something is wrong with a child's heart is that they are not eating. DING DONG! Jackson wasn't eating very well at all the last month he was alive. If I had the new doctor maybe she would have been on the ball and got him in for a echo right away. Marleigh is almost two months and I can't believe that time is flying by. I realize how little time I had with Jackson. 4 months isn't that long. She will be 4 months before I know it. She will soon be doing all the things that Jackson did before he left us. She is smiling and sticking out her tongue, she looks so much like her big brother, only she has a big chubby face and little chubby legs. Something Jackson never had. Everyday I tell her about Jackson, she loves to look at the black and white picture of Jackson in our living room. Sometimes I see her staring at something over my shoulder and will start smiling or cooing. I wonder if its Jackson checking in to make sure she is ok. I miss my little boy so much, some days I tear up when she flashes me a smile or does something that reminds me of Jackson. Anyone who thinks that having a rainbow baby makes life better is crazy. Yes its wonderful to have another baby and I love Marleigh with all my heart but sometimes its a stab in the heart too. Your family isn't all together and as she gets bigger it will remind me of all the things I missed out on with Jackson.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

What a day

Today we had our a appointment at Sick Kids hospital in Toronto. I had been looking/ dreading this appointment for the last 3 weeks. We drove up the night before so we didn't have get up at 2 am to drive to Toronto, and maybe get some extra sleep. We did not get the sleep we needed (someone didn't want to sleeep) and I also needed to stop feeding her at 4am so she wouldn't puke when she was sedated. We got to the hospital early because I had heard it was huge and it be hard to find our way around. Let me start by saying our exprience at this hospital from start to finish was amazing. We had a nurse that only dealt with Marleigh for the entire time. I didn't like the sedation part but only because she hated the taste of the medicine and freaked out the entire time she had to take it. When she finally settled they got to the echocardiogram. This was probably about 2 hours long. I don't know how many pictures the ultrasound tech took or even what I was looking at but Marleigh was good the entire time (even giving the tech a chuckle when she started tooting during the echo). We then had to meet with the doctor at 1:30. I felt sick as I waited for him to come in the room. Tim told me to chill out, we already knew what they were going to say....or did we. He told us that the echo was great, everything was attached where it should be etc, and that her heart was perfect. I said perfect except for her aorta going a different way. He said no its perfect, everything is where it should be. Pardon. Say that again. SHOCK was not what I would say I was feeling. Pissed might be closer. Tim and I have spent the last 4 weeks, not sleeping, contemplating not having more kids because of the fear that another baby could be born with a heart problem. I haven't been able to fully enjoy my baby because I have been so worried about her. I asked the doctor how someone could screw that up, how someone could read an ultrasound wrong. He had no answers. I wanted to drive to Kingston and srangle the person who read the first ultra sound. Tell them how could you do this to parents who have already lost a baby because a heart problem. I have learned that so much from this experience. One being that you need to always get a second (maybe a third) opinion. Demand the care you want for your child because they are to little to do it themselves. These are the things I wish I had learned before losing Jackson. Even sitting there watching Marleigh get her echo done I wished I had drove him the two hours to sick kids. Maybe things would be different, but even if they weren't I would feel like I did everything I possible could and took him to a hospital that would have done everything they possible could too.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Update on Marleigh

After meeting with the pediatrian she sent a referral to Kingston (where we were sent with Jackson). After getting home and thinking about it I realized I did not want to go there again. I don't trust them, I don't think I recieved the care my son deserved and I am still upset that they gave me such a hard time getting his final report. Which by the way we just received...so that is over 2 years after he died. Something inside of me said call and ask to be sent to Sick Kids in Toronto. After Jackson died I promised myself that I would demand the proper care for my children if it ever had to come up (although I had hoped it would never come up). On Friday of last week I called the Dr. office and asked that they send a referral to Sick Kids. They called back and told me that sometimes it can take 6 months to a year, and sometimes they can reject the referral. That was ok but at least I tried. Well yesterday Sick Kids called us and we have an appointment in 3 weeks. After the call I was so thankful that we or were able to get in, then my worry brain thought but why did they get us in so fast. My sister (who is a pediatric nurse practitioner) told me that it is a normal time frame for a children's hospital to get back to patients. I am anxious about the time frame but am so glad that we are going there. I know in my heart that they will make my nerves better and that she is in going to the best possible hospital for whatever the outcome is. I hope that this visit brings me peace of mind and maybe I can scale back my worrying.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I must have really pissed someone off upstairs

Let me start by saying that I am not a religious person. I don't attend church, I believe there is a higher power but for me its not that there is a God or Jesus. In saying that when Jackson stopped breathing I prayed to God that he save my baby and when that didn't happen I really stopped believing that anyone was listening. When I had my miscarriage I yelled at God because I really have no idea what I did to deserve to lose another baby. Now my faith is being tested again. When Marleigh was born they did a echo cardiogram of her heart. Which is not something they do for every baby, but because Jackson died because we didn't know something was wrong with his heart I demanded that they do one to be sure there was nothing wrong. Well yesterday we got the call that the results were in and they wanted us to come in today. At which point my brain exploded with the what she was going to tell me. In the back of my head I thought this is probably not good. I picked up Tim and we went right over. The pediatrian looked serious when she came in. She looks at us and says "I don't know what to tell you but Marleigh's aorta goes to the right and not the left".Ummmmm are you F%$&ing kidding me (is what I wanted to say), but I couldn't say anything. Two out of our two children were born with something wrong with their hearts. Both not genetic and both very rare, our odds are better to win the lottery. I wanted to lose my mind at that point. This is not happening again, not to us again. I did everything right for this pregnancy...again. I know women who drink, smoke and do drugs who have baby's born perfect. While in shock she tried to assure us that this was not the same as what Jackson had and that she had worked with a number of children who were born with this, only they didn't find out until they were older and they are all fine. Now there are things we need to look out for because sometimes some of the other things (arteries I guess) coming off the aorta can constrict the trachea or esophagus, but sometimes everything just works itself out and its fine. Now were off to another Dr to have another look at her heart, which will probably be closer to her being 3 months. With Marleigh being our rainbow baby we are already crazy with worry anyways but now its off the charts. Yesterday Tim and I spent the day wondering what we had done wrong in our lives to make God so mad at us or why he is trying to test us. I think its time for me to research a therapist in the area so I can find someone to talk to because I have had a couple of breakdowns in the last couple weeks and now with this I am again so worried. I knew having a baby after losing Jackson was going to be hard but its even harder then I thought.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Marleigh Fiona is here

After tossing and turning over the decision over whether to have a vbac or go with a c-section, my husband and I thought it best to just get the c-section. I was worried about losing my ability to have more children and after the doctor had told me that she herself had performed 5 sections on one women I felt a little better about having another c-section. They scheduled it for Wednesday, April 25th, let me tell you it was the longest week of my life. April 25th, Tim and I arrived at the hospital for 4:30 am. We were the only ones in triage waiting to go in for my surgery. The nurses told us it was a slow night so they were glad to have someone come in. They hooked up my IV and asked me all the pre surgery questions. Tim and I tried to enjoy the last 2 hours of me being pregnant and trying to keep the mood light since again I was going for surgery. Around 6 my midwives came in and waited with us until they got everyone ready to go into the OR. The OB came in and talked to me about the surgery and assured me everything was going to be ok. 6:30 am they walked me down to the OR. I was feeling pretty nervous. When I went in for my emergency c-section with Jackson I had been in labour for 10 hours, and had already received a couple of doses of different pain killers and was a little out of it so I didn't have time to let my mind wander and think about having the surgery. Everyone in the OR was great, they really focused on trying to get me to take deep breaths and relax and reminded me that in a few minutes we would meet our baby girl. I could hear everything that was going on. The first thing the doctor said was "holy look at all that hair", then "wow she is a big girl". When I heard her little cry it was the most amazing sound ever. I couldn't wait to see her and hold her. Everyone was trying to guess what she weighed. I told my midwife I thought she was high 8's and Tim said he thought she was 9lbs 10 ounces. He was right on! So at 7:21, April 25th Marleigh Fiona Gagne arrived. I am glad I went with the c-sectin because if I had to wait to go into spontaneous labour she probably would have been close to 11 pounds and might have ended up with another c-section anyways. She is 5 days old and she is such a good baby. Needless to say she is 5 days old and my worry meter is 10. I think is she eating enough, is she sleeping too much, is her colouring ok. She is spitting up should I be worried. Yesterday she actually spit up a little blood with her milk. I almost threw her in the car and sped to the hospital. My midwife calmed me down and after looking at my nipples I realized there was some damage and the blood was from me. Tim has been amazing and is trying to always get me to take a deep breath. Here is a picture of her. She looks so much like her big brother only with a lot more hair.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Vbac or not to Vbac

This entire pregnancy all I have thought about is my Vbac. I would finally get to have this baby vaginally and not via c-section. I was disappointed that I had to have a c-section the first time but because I never got past 2.5 cm I really didn't have a choice. Today I finally met with an OGBYN who is pro VBAC and has had a very good success rate with other women who have also had VBAC's. Unfortunately I did not get the news I was hoping for.

After reveiwing my file she told me that I was not a good canidate for a VBAC. Some of the reasons being that the doctor that performed my first c-section didn't sew me up in layers (which I didn't know there was a difference)which put me at a higher risk of uterine rupture. She is worried because I had a big baby the first time and that I had a failure to progress with the first induction. The last factor was that my son died 4 months after the first c-section. Crushed is not the word I would describe when I left that appointment. She said I could choose to still have the VBAC but I would have to sign a consent form that would not make her liable if something were to go wrong. I still need to talk it over with Tim, and figure out what I want to do. I have done some internet research since getting home and the risk is 1 in 200 that I could have a uterine rupture. Looking at those statistics are not very comforting, especially since I just found out that what Jackson died of was a 1 in 300,000 chance. I feel like statistics are not in my favour right now.

We want to have more children and the doctor told me that she has done 5 c-sections on one women. I just want my baby to be safe but I don't want to feel like I am being scared into a decision. Which is easy when you start talking about things going wrong and possible losing my baby, my uterus or even me. My heart is sad, but I just want to do what is right and what is safe for me and the baby. I guess I have the decision already, I just don't want to say it out loud.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Answers to 2 year old questions

Anomalous left coronary artery from the pulmunary artery or ALCAPA for short. This is what Jackson died of. This is what we have been waiting two years to find out. After meeting with a pediatrician Thursday of last week and signing yet another release form she called today to tell us what she found out. After googling for an hour, reading what I could about it then reading the many posts from mothers whose child was diagnosed early enough and they were able to correct it. I had to shut the computer. I didn't want to read anymore about how now their child is 6 and healthy, my son wasn't one of them.

This is what I found out, 1 in 300,000 babies are born with this. 90% will die within the first year if it is not corrected. This means it is not passed down a family line but that still does not make it any less easier to not worry about my current pregnancy. I still have mixed feelings about this new information. In the back of my mind I have always thought it was something that was always there but never detected, but now I will always wonder if I just got him in sooner, pushed for them to do more would I be the one telling everyone that my son is 6 and healthy.

This baby is still going to get an echocardiogram when she is a month old and I will be on pins and needles until I know FOR SURE that she is ok. I only wish that there was more information about it out there. Why does it take one child to die for the rest to be screened. Why did my son have to be the 1 in 300,000.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Jackson's Room

With only 6 more weeks to go (give or take a couple) Tim and I buckled down and went through Jackson's room. Well to be honest we called in reinforcements (my mom and mother in law). I think it was for the best because whenever Tim and I would start we made it 2 feet in the room started crying or feeling overwhelmed and gave up. The time had come though. His little sisters room was painted and was waiting for furniture.

The decison to leave his room the way it was, was not an easy one to make. We had family and friends weigh in but the decision was ours alone and it took us awhile to decide. We decided to leave it, now some might not agree and that maybe a change was needed but we felt that it being a guest room for the time being would be ok. That way we could still go in and lay on the bed and remember when he was a living part of the room.

I packed up all of the boy clothes, some which still had tags and put them in boxes for another time, maybe and hopefully someday another little boy. The special things I put together in a box just for him. Things that only he would get to wear and some stuff that was the last thing he wore. I only had a moment of panic when I couldn't find the envelope with the clipping of his hair. I tore through a pile of things that were still in a pile from the funeral and there it was.

I was so focused on getting the room clean and tidy I never let myself get too upset. Again if it were just Tim and I, I feel the room would have never got done. We allowed ourselves the time after everyone left to just be in the room together and remember our special little guy.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

2 years

When I look at the last 2 years of my life its hard to believe that your gone. It feels like forever since I heard you talk, or cry or just held and rocked you to sleep. My heart breaks everytime I see a picture of you and know that your not coming back. I can remember the day you left us so vividly it has been haunting me in my dreams at night.

There are many people who will never understand what its like to lose a child but know that it never goes away. That little piece of my heart is still broken and it has never gone away. I wish that you were here to watch you grow up with your little sister, to drive her crazy and cut the hair of her barbie dolls. I hope in some way you still watch over her.

I don't want to talk about the day you left us because I want to remember the happier times we had you, before you got sick. Today I remember you for all the things you taught me and showed me in your short but meaningful life. I love always and forever my baby boy.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Grief timeline

No one will ever know the grief of losing a child, unless they to have lost one themselves. Many people don't seem to get that. February is slowly creeping to an end, which also means that the day that Jackson died is also creeping closer. This year will be two years since he has died. I read on another mommies blog describing the second year of loss is like being punched in the throat. I think she nailed it. I'm trying not to stress out too much about it, because my pregnancy doesn't need anymore stress.

After finding out we were having a girl my husband and I had to decide whether we were going to paint his room or make up another room for her. Everytime I went into his room I couldn't do it. I need to leave the space as it is, even just to have a place to go and remember him. Some people don't seem to understand why we are doing that and frankly I don't care. That was his room and for now it will stay that way, it will be a place where my nephews or nieces can stay when they come to visit.

No one has yet to ask me if I'm over losing Jackson. Hopefully the people around me are smart enough not to. The only thing I have been able to get over is me thinking it was my fault that he died. I will never get over losing Jackson though. No matter how many years go by and even after having other children. He will always be missing and our famiy.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Level 2 ultrasound

I met with my secondary midwife the other day for a regular check up. For those of you not familiar with midwifery care you get two midwives. You meet with both of them through out the pregnancy and that way whenever they little one wants to make an appreance you will know both of the women who will be delivering your baby. Anyways after the check up she asked me how I was feeling (and not the normal pregnancy feelings). She said that she knew about my son and wanted to know what happened exactly. So I told her I have my good days and bad. I told her I wasn't anticipating February as it would be two years since Jackson had died. I also told her that I was probably going to be a crazy person when this baby arrived and that rules would be put into place so that people didn't just come over and that knew to stay away if they were sick.

She must have sensed my aniexty and asked if my husband and I wanted to get a level two ultrasound. They would be sending us to Kingston (even though I asked if there was another place close by that we could go). She said they do a much more intense screening and make sure all the baby's systems are working properly. So we go next week for the ultrasound. I have aniexty about it, which is weird considering nothing came up in the first ultrasound but I think it might have a lot to do with going to the same hospital where Jackson died. We haven't been in almost two years so I am not looking forward to going there, but I will do it for the baby. I want to be prepared for anything just in case they do find something.