Monday, July 19, 2010
Living the Dream???
I remember when Jackson was born people use to tell me you have the perfect life...your living the dream. Today when I was at work in sleep room (yes it is a dark room with sleepy music for the children) my mind floated. I started to think maybe I was just living a dream. I sometimes think was Jackson real? Was I pregnant at all? Have I been just sleeping for the last year and I am going to wake up and its not going to be real. Then I come home. That's when I realize it wasn't a dream at all. In a years time I was pregnant, said hello to Jackson and then 4 short months later I had to say goodbye. The sad thing is sometimes the only thing that gets me through is that I know I am not the only one in this. There are many men and women out there who have had to say goodbye to their children way to early. I realize now that sometimes dreams change and I have also changed. I no longer feel guilty for things that I use to. I am ready to tell people how I feel and if they don't like it well sucks for them. People are just going to have to accept the new me. I am going to start making new plans the way I want them to be and not what others want them to be. I wasn't like that when Jackson was alive and I regret some things I did or didn't do. I am going to start living for me, for Tim, for my children to someday come and especially for Jackson.