November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Hard to believe

When I look at pictures of Jackson it's hard to believe they are real. I can't believe that one time in my life I had a living breathing baby boy, who smiled and talked. Soon it will almost be a year since I fed, rocked, dressed and felt and smelled his skin. Where has this agonizing time gone by? Why has it gone so quickly?

I remember never feeling scared about having Jackson. Never scared of the pain I might endure. Never once thinking of a time without him not being here. Sometimes its hard to beleive he was really here. The only remenents are a room filled with baby stuff and pictures on the wall. They are the only things left to remind me of a time where life was simple and my son was still alive. Why was I the mother to take on this pain and loss?

I still have days where I feel the unfairness of it all. Where I hug and love children who are not mine because their own mothers won't or can't. I wish I could take these children home and show them what a real mother should do for them and what I would have done for my Jackson if he were still here. The clock keeps ticking and I keep watching as the days go by only to get closer to February 28th when I lost Jackson forever.

As soon as I find a date I can get into the doctor I will find out what took our little boy. I hope I am prepared for whatever the doctor might tell us. I know that nothing will be bring him back but I hope that I am able to handle whatever the doctor might tell us.

I year ago today I had Jackson in my arms and I would have never thought then that I wouldn't have him now. Life seemed full of possiblilities then but now I don't know anymore. I still can't believe how fast time has flown by.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I haven't been this emotional in awhile. I feel like the tears are always there lately, just waiting for something to get me crying. I cried on the way to work because a song came on the radio, I cried all the way home. I cried when I got home. As soon as I think about Jackson or say his name it just floods through me. I know that the first anniversery is coming soon so I don't know if that is what is bringing all these emotions to the surface. I obviously have good days and bad but lately it has been more. Is this normal? Is this how I am going to be until February?

New Job. New hurdles

I have just recently started a new job, with that comes new co workers. These ladies I work with have no idea about Jackson....and I know it will come out eventually. I know people say you will know when the time is right, but I am afraid that before then I might burst into tears. When people talk about their children or their lives I want to share. I have held back a lot and sometimes I feel like such a fraud. I have living this big lie that no one will really understand, or will they. Sometimes people will surprise you and share a story of a baby loss in their lives. I don't want their sympathy I just want them to know. I want to be able to talk about Jackson and share with them his short but important life. He was important to me and always will be and I just want others to know that.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010 you can suck it!

For me last night when the clock struck 12 I wasn't sad to see another year pass. I was excited to see what the future brought. I feel like it can't be any worse then last year.

2010 I started off thinking it was going to be a great year. I had a son, who was wonderful and special. A boyfriend who was a great father and provider for both of us. A sister who was about to have a son too, only 4 months younger then Jackson. The Olympics I was so looking forward to sharing with Jackson.(I know he was only 4 months but it was something special I wanted to share with him). Tim and I were also trying to plan when we would start trying again. I always wanted my children to be close in age like my sister and I. 17 months isn't that close ha ha.

2010 did not go as planned. February 28th I lost my son and still don't know what caused him to die. 2011 I want to find out what took my son and learn from it to become a better and more informed parent. A week after Jackson died, my nephew was born. Only 7 days between a life taken and a life given. I watch him and wonder what may have been. I am not going to lie I pushed myself to hold him and love him. Which I can say is not hard because he is such a wonderful little boy himself. My sister even greater because always understanding of how far I could go.

2010 also made and honest woman out of me, with a proposal from Tim. He made it very memorable and magical. I think that is where my new love for the outdoors has come from. This year has taught me a lot about love and friendship. People who I thought would be there for me that weren't and those who came from my past that lended me their hand. Family members I have grown closer with and have shown me true support.

2011 I know will be a better year. Filled with joy and hope. A new job that which is only a maternity leave but once I impress them with my childcare skills they will only have to keep me and find a permenant job. I will be a stronger and better person for getting through this year and I know I have one more anniversery to get through but I have all the love and support to get through it. So to 2010 I want to tell you it has been nice knowing you but 2011 will be a better year then you.

To all those who have helped us through this year, especially the BLM's that I have met through my blog. Thank you for holding us up when we needed it, for providing a box of tissues when the tears didn't seem to stop flowing. For your kind words, and hugs. You have been a our silent cheering section when we needed you the most. To all those family have been through operations and sickness, we are here for you and love you. 2011 will be a better year for all. For those mom's who find this blog because you have lost your child, hold on, it will be hard, you will never forget, people will say some crazy things but I am here for you even if you don't know me yet. My hand is open whenever you need someone to hold it. Love and take care of eachother. Jackson's mommy.