November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I need to take 5

I am so mad right now I could spit fire. I would take out an entire village I am steaming so badly. Bad day at work....yes, bad day in life....well when is it not, just wishing I could scream or run away....if I had the money. I just want to sit and relax after working 8 sometimes 9 and soon to be 10 hour days I just want to sit around and veg. I don't want to think about work, or the laundry that needs to be done, or the plants that need watering. What I want to do is think about a happy time in my life. I want to be worrying about stopping Jackson from bouncing his head off the coffee table or sunscreening his little chubby legs. I wish that people would backoff especially my boyfriend. Who by the way had to throw in a comment about nothing getting done....what I did not throw back in his face is that THIS GIRL IS THE ONLY ONE WORKING!!!!!!!!!!! So screw you if I don't do anything as soon as my feet cross through the door. I want my life back, I want my son back and what I don't want is the take s@#t from anyone. Plus I just realized that I missed my mother's meeting this month and I really needed to go this month. Please let me tell you that this is not normal and I normally don't mind being the one to provide for the house because he has done it for me, plus he has been working his butt off around the house as well as working on the car but I just need a little time today...even if its 5 minutes.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Too Soon

Finally....I went to the doctor to see about getting a referal to an OB. I want to make sure that all my bases are covered before I do decide to get pregnant again. I had to have a C-section with Jackson because he didn't want to come out....maybe he had a reason. Anyways unfortunately I had to go to the my doctor to get it and I haven't seen Dr.V since I took Jackson in (2 days before he died). Needless to say I knew that it was going to be a crappy day. The nurse asked us what we were coming for as they always do and then she asked us how we were doing. So I gave her the text book we have good days and bad. Then asked if we were getting counselling, which we are but not formal counselling because I don't want some person to give me text book answers on how I should be feeling. That is why my boyfriend and I go to groups with women and men how have lost children and honestly it does help. Finally the doctor came in and of course we started talking about Jackson. I held it together as best I could in the office (even though I wanted to say why didn't you fix him, I took him to you 2 times in a week). I know its not his fault I just have a hard time going to him. Then we started talking about getting pregnant (which is on my mind off and on but right now is not the right time for us). He told us it was too soon, but he never said anything about when it was not too soon. I guess we will have to wait for the OB to answer that question. So now I am at home a big weeping mess. Thank god my boss and coworkers are so understanding and allowed me the rest of day off. Not like I would be any good to anyone anyways, the kids at the daycare would probably have to pat my back and tell me everything was going to be ok.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Avoidance....its what gets me through the day sometimes

How are you doing? The question you get everyday of your life but now it has a different meaning. I sometimes I want to say do you want my real answer or story book answer I give everyone. I think if people really knew what was going on in my head they would wonder if am not under the influence of drugs and alcohol. On any given day my mind is wondering to the realism of my life. What should I do with Jackson's room? Should I at least get the dirty laundry and clean it? Oh right we have no milk and I think that I should clean my house because a bomb has gone off in it. I want another dog, I want another baby, what I want is my baby back. Sometimes I think I am going crazy, thank god for my boyfriend because he sits and listens to my rants of what is going on in my head....luckily sometimes he has them to so I don't feel too crazy.

I wonder if its from the lack of sleep I have been going on lately. I feel like I did when Jackson was still alive, waking up every 4 hours and not be able to sleep in anymore. I have been waking up a lot lately from the reaccuring dream about Jackson I keep having. I keep dreaming he is alive and I am searching for him, but I can't find him then I realize I won't find him because he has died. Where is the dream analyst on this one.

My boyfriend and I have also been talking about having more children. At then end of the conversation we always come back to but we want the baby we had back. I remember trying to get pregnant with Jackson. I wouldn't really call it trying since I wasn't even off of the pill for a month and was pregnant. We have been taking precautions but I still pray that I get my period every month. Now I am scared that I could get pregnant and I am not ready yet. I also want to talk to an OB to find out when it is safe to start trying because I had to have a c-section and I don't want any complications after I do get pregnant. When I think about having more children I always feel like somethings missing and I feel that is how it is always going to be. I just hope that I will be able to be the mom I want to be to any other children we have, because it would be unfair of me to be any other way. For now I will continue to distract myself with my garden, dog, family and boyfriend until I am ready to deal with what is going on in my head. Avoidance its what gets me through the day sometimes.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Baby less Mother's Day

To some if you don't have children then that means you have not become a mother, but for me and many other women we are the unlucky ones that are caught in the middle. We are mother's to children that are no longer here. I have been feeling all week that yes I do have a son but he is not here so I don't feel like a mom. I watched while my coworkers deligently made mother's day crafts with the children at the daycare I work at (thankful that they understood and took over that task for me) all the while knowing that I would not be getting a handcrafted flower pot of Jackson's fingerprints....not now or ever. I had put a big sticker on today's date before Jackson died that says IMPORTANT to remind my boyfriend not to forget he had to get a card. Yesterday I broke down in the car because I had to sit and listen to two girls talk about how the fathers of their babies weren't in the picture and the other one was pregnant with another. I WANTED TO SMACK THEM! Yes my boyfriend and I are not married but we have a house together, cars together and have been living together for 3 years. We wanted to start a family and be parents and that got taken away from us. There are children out there who's parents just toss them aside and some don't even live with their parents. My son isn't here to love on mother's day and that is the one thing that I looked forward to is spending a Sunday loving being a mother.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

My birthday

Well I got out of bed today...I guess that's a start. This was not how I thought my birthday would be. Last year I was pregnant and looking forward to having a little boy to have wake me up with a toothless grin. I'm thinking about someone else today and sending her warm thoughts and hugs. My wish for this years birthday is that I find peace and strength. That eventually happy days will out number my sad days and maybe hope will find its way into my life again.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

6 months old

I can't sleep...again. I'm sitting at grandma's and grandpa's house in Sarnia for my birthday weekend. Today I should also be celebrating your half birthday. You can't even imagine how I was looking forward to you turning 6 months old. The things you would be doing or even saying. Your baby cousin is also 2 months today. Your auntie and I were so excited for you two to meet. You would love your baby cousin Jackson. Yesterday we went shopping and everyone was looking at baby C and mommy was sad because I miss when everyone would stop and admire you....which they did because you were so beautiful. I don't want to celebrate my birthday because its not worth celebrating without you here. I don't want to celebrate anything without you....you made things special. My life will forever be changed because you were in it. I know you send me messages and I look for them everyday and when I get them it sends a little light my way. I love you my BOBO keep smiling down on my from heaven and I will try and smile up to you too.