November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Finding Out part 2

So we didn't exactly find out. Our baby decided to cover itself up so we couldn't find out. The tech thought though it might be a girl but she couldn't be 100%. I wasn't sure how I felt but by the time I got home my I had to lay down because my brain was going a mile a minute. I couldn't stop thinking "what do we do?", "I don't know if I am ready to paint Jackson's room", "Do we leave it and make it into a guest room and make up another room?". I guess I went into panic mode. When the tech said it might be a girl I wasn't upset but then the fear of going through and putting away all of the boy clothes was freaking me out. I couldn't sleep last night because my brain wouldn't shut off.
We could go for another ultra sound to be 100% sure but this little part of me thinks maybe that was the way the universe wanted it. For me to finally go through Jackson's clothes and clean his room and make room for this new very wanted baby. Even though I want everything to be ready to go for when the baby gets here, technically the baby will be living with us for the first couple of weeks anyways so the only room that needs to be ready is ours. I have come to the conclusion I will clean up Jackson's room. Fill half of dresser with boys stuff and the other half with girls and wait. Then when the baby comes and find out for sure if its a little boy or girl. That is sort of exciting to me. I never understood the draw of not knowing but maybe this is the surprise I need. Now we just have to come up with names and wait 20 more weeks. I just repeating Keep calm and carry on.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Finding out

Tomorrow is the big day when we find out what we are having (as long as the baby co-operates). I am scared and excited. People keep saying you should leave it a surprise, but for me its about being prepared. For me its emotionally prepared. I will love this baby no matter what. I just want to be happy and healthy, but in my heart I am hoping its a boy. I feel like I missed out on so much with Jackson. Playing cars, making mud pies, finding rocks in my washing machine. I want that so badly.I have always wanted a house filled with boys.
If tomorrow we find out its a girl I won't be dissappointed, but I know that Tim and I will have a long emotional road of packing up all of the boy clothes, bedding and even undertake painting the nursery to make it more comfortable for a little girl. I feel like a horrible mom for even writing this. I'm already worried about not being enough for this baby, it will live a bubble for at least the first year of its life. For the first 4 months the baby will be compared to Jackson (there is probably no way around it even if its just in the back of my head). Having a rainbow baby I'm sure is hard for everyone, I hope that I am not the only one who has these thoughts. Tomorrow I will know. Then I just have to wait 4.5 more months to hold him or her and love them with all my heart.