Hard to believe

When I look at pictures of Jackson it's hard to believe they are real. I can't believe that one time in my life I had a living breathing baby boy, who smiled and talked. Soon it will almost be a year since I fed, rocked, dressed and felt and smelled his skin. Where has this agonizing time gone by? Why has it gone so quickly?

I remember never feeling scared about having Jackson. Never scared of the pain I might endure. Never once thinking of a time without him not being here. Sometimes its hard to beleive he was really here. The only remenents are a room filled with baby stuff and pictures on the wall. They are the only things left to remind me of a time where life was simple and my son was still alive. Why was I the mother to take on this pain and loss?

I still have days where I feel the unfairness of it all. Where I hug and love children who are not mine because their own mothers won't or can't. I wish I could take these children home and show them what a real mother should do for them and what I would have done for my Jackson if he were still here. The clock keeps ticking and I keep watching as the days go by only to get closer to February 28th when I lost Jackson forever.

As soon as I find a date I can get into the doctor I will find out what took our little boy. I hope I am prepared for whatever the doctor might tell us. I know that nothing will be bring him back but I hope that I am able to handle whatever the doctor might tell us.

I year ago today I had Jackson in my arms and I would have never thought then that I wouldn't have him now. Life seemed full of possiblilities then but now I don't know anymore. I still can't believe how fast time has flown by.