November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Finding out

Tomorrow is the big day when we find out what we are having (as long as the baby co-operates). I am scared and excited. People keep saying you should leave it a surprise, but for me its about being prepared. For me its emotionally prepared. I will love this baby no matter what. I just want to be happy and healthy, but in my heart I am hoping its a boy. I feel like I missed out on so much with Jackson. Playing cars, making mud pies, finding rocks in my washing machine. I want that so badly.I have always wanted a house filled with boys.
If tomorrow we find out its a girl I won't be dissappointed, but I know that Tim and I will have a long emotional road of packing up all of the boy clothes, bedding and even undertake painting the nursery to make it more comfortable for a little girl. I feel like a horrible mom for even writing this. I'm already worried about not being enough for this baby, it will live a bubble for at least the first year of its life. For the first 4 months the baby will be compared to Jackson (there is probably no way around it even if its just in the back of my head). Having a rainbow baby I'm sure is hard for everyone, I hope that I am not the only one who has these thoughts. Tomorrow I will know. Then I just have to wait 4.5 more months to hold him or her and love them with all my heart.

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