November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Bittersweet life

When the worst possible thing happens you, you would think that is it....right? I wish I could say that but I would be wrong. Yes the worst thing ever has happened to me, and yes the other bad things that happen to me are not the worst but they still suck. Everytime I feel like I am finally catching my breath the wind is knocked out of me again. I don't want to sit here and make everyone feel bad for me, that is not the purpose of my blog. The purpose is to get out everything I am feeling to get it out of my system so I can move on and feel better. I haven't been able to do that recently because I feared hurting two people that are very close to me, and I hope those two people read this and know that I love them very much, and as much as I would love life to stand still it goes on, as we all know first comes love, then comes marriage then goes someone pushing a baby carriage.

As everyone knows Tim and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 10 months now. I wish that I could say I was one of those people who could just let it go and let life happen and but it am I always thinking about it. Trying to stay positive and hopeful even when things don't turn out the way we wanted them. Recently I have been faced with another obstacle that I knew would eventually come but just not as soon as I thought. In Febrary of this year I found out my best friend was pregnant. When she told me I knew she was scared, she wasn't planning on getting pregnant and it happened. I being the best friend tried to reasure her, told her everything was going to be ok. Her and her husband had an army of people to support them. As much as I was happy for her, my heart was breaking for me. I know that is awful to say and maybe that is wrong but it is the truth. A few days later I found out I was also pregnant which, I was excited that we were going to have children only a few months apart. Just like us. Maybe they would grow up and be best friends too. As soon as I made plans for them, they were dashed away.

A month later I was feeling ok...with everything that happened. I felt like I was breathing again. Then I found out my sister was pregnant and due the same time I was suppose to be due. The universe just gave me another punch in the stomach. Again me sitting there happy for my sister but again my heart breaking. I keep thinking why does this keep happening. Why can't I just be the excited best friend and sister. I try so hard to be there for them but sometimes I just don't have it in me to give that. Now I have started preparing myself for someone to say those 2 words "I'm pregnant". I even have a signal with Tim to tell him to get me out of here before I have a meltdown. This isn't fair, I just want to be happy for others, without strings attached. I wish I could say this is the last time it will happen, but I know its not. Life isn't fair, but I guess I just have to prepare for it.


  1. Hey Lindsay. I am so glad that you are trying again. I will keep you in my prayers that your dream comes true.

    I completely understand. I have had my rainbow and still hearing people are pregnant hurts me. They have all of their children and I am minus one.

  2. Hey Lindsay. Having worked with many, many women who are trying to conceive, I want you to know that your feelings are 100% normal. You are not a bad person. Sit down with your feelings and give them a voice. Say it out loud. "I'm jealous of the other pregnant women."
    "I deserve to be pregnant."
    "I feel guilty for not being happy for them."

    Say it loud. Scream it into a pillow (smudge the pillow after, hehe) Pound something, get it out. The more you resist your feelings, the longer they linger. It's not about your friend or your sister. It's about you. It doesn't mean you love them any less, it means you are hurting and you are frustrated and your sick of it already. You are "fighting with the universe" and I totally get that. Tell "him" off. This is a normal process for people on your journey. Take this step and you're one step closer to what you want.

    Love you.