November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A week of change

Last week you could have told me the sky was falling and I wouldn't have cared. I was over the moon. WE DID IT! I was pregnant and I took 4 tests to prove it. I couldn't believe that we had finally did it. Pregnant, the plus sign, the yes, it was right in front of us. I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them we had did it. I was pregnant. The bittersweet part was that this baby would be due at the same time as Jackson was born. All of the milestones I hit would be the same as Jackson. We even found out we were pregnant at the same time. I didn't care because we had did it, we were pregnant, but my hopes and dreams were dashed just as quickly as they came.

11:00 am on Monday everything changed. There was blood and lots of it. I had no cramping to know that it was happening but I knew that much blood was not normal. I don't remember the drive to pick up Tim. I don't remember the drive to the hospital. What I do remember was screaming at God asking him how he could do this to us again. At the hospital they can't tell you for sure whether or not your having a miscarriage, at least not until all the blood work comes back. I knew though. I wasn't pregnant anymore and I was having a miscarriage, and 14 days before I had to relive losing my son. Where is the fairness in that? Nothing makes you feel better, even the doctors with their statistics (25 - 30% of all pregnancies end in misscarriage). This all doesn't change the fact that it was happening. I wish my week of saddness stopped there but we were also finding out what Jackson's autopsy report said.

I had no expectations going in to the doctor other then (please don't make it genetic). Unfortunately the full report was not ready but the preliminary was. Our doctor read back the report, and would stop and go over what different things meant. Those 24 hours came flooding back to me like it happened yesterday. Every moment detailed and typed forever the reminder of the hours we went through wondering what was wrong with Jackson. The first time he went into arrest, the second time he arrested and the last moments when he died in my arms. The last sentence stating they think there was a problem with his coronary artery.

This meant he had it from birth, but no one picked it up. Unless someone in either of our families had heart problems they wouldn't have tested for it. A ticking time bomb waiting to go off at any moment. The bladder infection, combined with the rsv was to overwhelming to him and his heart just gave out. We hope the final report will tell us if it is for sure genetic or just a fluke. Either way the doctor reasured us that now they will do a more intensive screening on future babies. She also said that doesn't mean that any of our other children will have that problem. That doesn't bring back Jackson. Knowing doesn't make me feel any better or any worse I am just numb. Now my anxiety of having babies is over the top. Will I have another miscarriage? Will my other children have heart problems? I want to be that naive mom that doesn't think anything will happen and that all babies are born healthy. I don't get to be that mom....I can't get that back.

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