* This is my disclaimer. Please don't post any comments to this post. I need to vent and I don't want to hear about it. I don't want you to comment on my facebook, I don't want you to call me at home and talk about it. I don't want the good old punch on the shoulder that says "oh it will happen when it happens" I'm in a place right now I just want to be there for awhile. The only people that really deserve to comment on this are BLM's. All the rest of you don't know what I am going through and that is how it is right now.*
In my line of work you are constantly around families. Happy families that bring there happy, healthy, alive children to daycare. Some of them only children, some of them from families that have all of the chidlren they can handle and those families that are still multiplying. The girls I work with are women who are done having children, single, not ready to have children yet, some that are thinking about it....and me. The one who had a baby and doesn't anymore. The one who is trying to have another one...and it is not happening. The one who is now looking at other people around her ready to share the wonderful news that they are expecting their next child. When I hear the news so many mixed emotions fill my body. Happy, sad, jealous, angry and most of all worried.
I know that some women try for years to get pregnant only to stop trying and they get pregnant. I know the statistics. I have read all the research. I know I should be patient because we have only been officially trying for 3 months, but I worry. What if Jackson was it. What if he was the only child I was able to have. That was my chance to have a baby and he's gone. Last time it was easy. I was off the pill for 2 weeks and I was pregnant. I know someone is reading this and thinking, get over it, it took me 3 years to get pregnant. I'm sorry to those women. You are stronger then maybe I am.
I am ready. I am ready for my rainbow. I am ready to look and see a pink plus sign, double lines, or digital pregnant. I am ready.
After we lost Matthew, I was too scared to have another. A little over a year later though we had a surprise. I was scared, terrified, but soon I became so excited. Then, I had my first miscarriage. I wanted to try again that day. I felt as though I HAD to have a baby in my arms right then. All 3 of our first pregnancies were accidents. Most during times where someone normally doesn't get pregnant. The 4 months that we tried following that resulted in BFN after BFN were so incredibly hard for me. How is it possible that when I don't try and our timing is horrific, I get pregnant, but now that we're trying it isn't happening. That pregnancy resulted in my 2nd miscarriage. Again, it took 4 months to get pregnant again. And again it resulted in miscarriage. The anger, the hurt, the frustration was indescribable. It physically hurt me. It didn't seem fair that not only did we have our son taken, but then we couldn't even have another baby. I completely understand the frustration, the tears, the anger. And I'm sorry that you are going through it. I hope that you get your rainbow baby soon and get to enjoy every possible moment of raising it.
ReplyDeleteLindsay, I completely understand the need to see that plus. The arms ache to hold a child of our own again. The heart yearns to share that love. Every sense in your body longs for that child. I really hope and pray that soon that happens for you.
ReplyDeleteI remember that longing after Noah died.. it was oh, so difficult.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you