Our Rainbow baby

After over a year of trying and 1 pregnancy loss Tim and I are very blessed to say that we are expecting a baby in April or May. This 12 weeks has been the longest that I have ever been through. Every pain or ache has been followed by fear and anxiety. Everytime I picked up something that I think was too heavy I would worry that something might happen. This pregnancy I know will not be an easy one but I know that I have many people around me to lean on when I need it.

We have told our families and close friends but have not announced it publicly on Facebook (so for those of you on my facebook please don't say anything). We have decided to go with a midwife again, but will be meeting with an OB around the week 34 mark to talk about having a VBAC. We have also already talked about meeting with an pediatritian after the baby is born to getting an ultra sound of the babies heart and any other tests to make sure that the baby is ok.

This pregnancy is so bittersweet. I always imagined having Jackson be there too. Watching the baby and trying to figure out what this new little baby is doing. The two of them growing up together and playing and getting dirty together. I'm worried about how I will react when this baby does things that I never got to see Jackson do. I'm worried about my anxiety level everytime that baby has the sniffles or vomits. I know that I will put my foot down more and make sure that my number one priority will be to make sure the baby is happy and that Tim and I are happy. I have lost so much and I don't want to take that chance again.

There are so many decisions to be made but most of them won't be made until we find out if its a boy or a girl. After that comes the emotional stuff and the biggest thing is going through Jackson's room. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. For now I am going to enjoy every second and every detail of this pregnancy and most of all not let the stress and anxiety get the better of me.

A special day without you there

After 6 months of planning, lots of tears, a few conflicts and me trying not to spin around in circles, Tim and I are finally married. We beat the odds and are still together after losing the most important person in our world. We decided from the get go that we would not have children in our wedding party, for one reason there are way to many nieces and nephews to co-operate but also because the only ring bearer I wanted was Jackson. I tried to imagine the day if he was there, in his suit matching his dad's. Him sitting at the head table in between us, getting food all over his nice suit and probably Tim's and my dress. Dancing with his cousins and then attacking the cupcakes and candy buffet, then eventually crashing around 9. Even though that is not how the day went I still felt his presence every step of the way. We paid tribute to our son on our special day through a prayer and lit a candle. We made sure that our wedding pictures had a piece of him present. The day was "perfect" and went fairly smoothly. I have a feeling our little man had something do with.

The kids...they'll surprise you.

I don't get paid enough to do what I do but I love it. I try to teach respect and especially try to get kids to work out their conflicts on their own. I didn't realize I was also showing a new generation that its ok to talk about the death of a baby. So it all started with a conversation about my tatoo.
Child: Lindsay why do you have a tatoo of Jackson on your back.
Me: Its not the Jackson from the daycare.
Child: Well then who is it?
Me: Its my son Jackson.
Child: You have a son, named Jackson.
Me: Yes, but he died when he was 4 months old.
Child:How did he die? Why did he die? Was he born early or late?

So for about 20 minutes I explained to children (in a child friendly manner) about how Jackson died, was I sad...etc. I talked to 8,9,10 year olds about my son. I was amazed that they asked so many questions and that they weren't freaked out. Yet people who are in their 20's and 30's can't even handle it. Even later I heard one of kids say, "see that tattoo on Lindsay's shoulder, its her son, he died when he was only 4 months old." Even I can't be as casual as that. Maybe I am teaching more then they need to know but unfortunately it happens to more women then just me. I'm not going to lie to them. I'm sure over the years it won't be the last time they hear it. So my hope is in 20 years if it happens to someone they know they won't be that person that runs uncomfortable about it but is the one that they can lean on. Now if we could just get some adults off the uncomfortable train then wouldn't be easier for everyone.

I've come a long way

I have been writing my blog a little bit over a year. I remember reading other women's blog and finding comfort in thier words. Things that helped them get through the first year and beyond. I remember the days when I first started writing, the feelings I had, the emotions I was going through. I remember the days when I would cry for hours, I couldn't be around people with tiny babies, and would reply "No I don't have children".

This are different now and I feel different now. I know I am not the same as I was before I lost Jackson but I feel better. Don't get me wrong I have my days, the ones where I look at videos or photos of Jackson and can't stop the tears from coming. Even thinking about the pictures for our wedding and knowing that Jackson will be missing. The thought brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it.

Some things that I have been able to overcome are going to a best friends baby shower. My best friend is having a baby in August and I can't wait for her little guy to join this world. I can honestly say I am excited for her as well as my sister. I know it took everything she had to tell me she was pregnant (shortly after I had lost my baby as well as having her son a week after Jackson died). She has not had it easy either but in her own way. Lisa I know you will read this but I am so very excited and proud of the mother and sister you are and have been to me. I can't wait to see our children grow up together and become best friends. I can only imagine what your speech will be at the wedding.

I remember being worried that I would have a meltdown everytime a friend would tell me they were pregnant. Now I am ok with it and can't wait to hear who is. I would love to say I just woke up and I was ok. Writing has helped me and but I think the thing that has helped me the most was Yoga and meditation with some wonderful women and from the beginning knew my whole story. I think that everyone should try different things that help them. Even if other people think its a little outside of the box or even if its in the box. If it works and makes you feel better then do it.
People will always judge you know matter what, but they haven't had to go through the loss of a child and I'm sure if they walked a mile in our shoes they would give them back. So take care of yourself in whatever way you need to and forget what the rest of world thinks.

To Vaccinate or not to Vaccinate that is the debated question

Earlier this week I got into a discussion with a group of women about vaccination. I know right now I don't have to worry about it but it has been waying on my mind. Jackson got his 2 month needles and after that is when he got sick. Since then I have always wondered if that was part of the problem...along with his heart problem which still is inconclusive since we still haven't got a final autopsy report back.

Anyways working in childcare you hear a lot of things including information about vaccinations. I have met 3 different people who have told me their children were fine until they got their 18 month needles and then things took a turn and suddenly their children were diagnosed autistic. Now my paranoia is at a high. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate. I know lots of people who don't get their children vaccinated and all of their children are fine, I also know lots of children who have been vaccinated and all of them are fine.

I just don't know if I am willing to take the risk, but is it a risk either way. I will have to keep researching this information because I just don't know what I would do right now. I guess I could research the heck out of it but their would probably be no conclusive answer.

A baby at a baby memorial

Please be advised this is my opinion and only my opinion. You don't have to agree with me. You don't even have to like what I say. I know that everyone is different and processes things differently but I need to get out my " YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME" moment out and off my chest.

As I wrote before. I had a friend who recently lost her son. Tonight was his memorial. I just wanted to go wrap my arms around my friend and tell her how sorry I was for her loss. Having someone close to you who loses their child opens that wound again. I have thought so many times about Jackson the last couple of days. Looking at pictures of him, thinking about the last few hours he was alive at the hospital, remembering his smell. I miss him so much somedays and I don't even realize it. I guess I have learned to find a place to let the grief live in my life. When that wound is open again it takes over like it did before I found that place for it.

Tonight I think that the protector in me wanted to take over. Again my friend may be stronger and maybe more understanding then I was. After Jackson died, I didn't want to be around babies. Especially those that were the same age as him or even within their first year of life. When my sister had my nephew it took everything I had to go and hold him. I remember crying while I was holding him. I chose to do that, my sister never forced me to do that. Tonight someone thought it was a bright idea to bring their baby (actually two people thought it would be smart to bring babies) to a memorial for a baby. First of all, um who brings a baby to a memorial in the first place, second who brings a baby to a memorial for a baby.

Yes, I know what it means to support your friends in a time of need, but there are these new things called babysitters. I know that some people don't feel comfortable leaving their baby with a totally stranger, and sometimes grandma and grandpa have their own shit to do. So rotate with with someone else. The first person goes in and then hand off the baby, then the other person goes. Why rub salt in a wound that was just opened. I mean THINK! Oh I am so sorry that your baby died, but hey looking at my perfectly healthy baby. I bet if you google baby memorial etiquette, the first
thing will be, DON'T BRING A BABY!

Like I said before. Its my opinion and only mine. Everyone processes their grief differently. I do dumb things all the time. I just don't know if that would be one of them.

Rubbing my belly moment

Yesterday I had a moment. I was looking at my stomach and was rubbing it because I wasn't feeling well and I had heartburn like no other and I was feeling kinda sick(3 pregnancy tests later and still not pregnant). Anyways I babysit for this women who is pregnant and she is due around the same time as when I was suppose to be due. Actually come to think of it I have 3 women who are close to me that are due around the same time. I was admiring her belly and I realized if I had not had my miscarriage I would have that belly. I would be admiring my belly and maybe people would be doing the same. I recently went into my Maternity clothes bucket because I remembered I had some regular tank tops in there from when I lent them to my sister. As I was sifting through them I forgot some of the sweet clothes I had for summer. I would be wearing those clothes right now if I had not had the miscarriage. I would know right now what I was having, boy or girl. Tim and I would be discussing names and maybe trying to sift through Jackson's room trying to make sense of everything that is in there.

Anyways at that rubbing my belly moment I realized that I haven't let myself think about the miscarriage since it happened. I had a lot of things going on in February so I guess I just didn't let myself grieve for the baby I lost as I was grieving a year without Jackson. I would be about 23 weeks, over half way to the finish line. I would be rubbing my belly, waddling around, feeling the baby move. 23 weeks. Right now I am zero weeks pregnant and about 2 weeks until I go in for laproscopic surgery. Which really means the dr is going to go in with a camera and look at whats going on in my womb. I don't think he is going to find anything. At least that is what I hope. A guess another thing I haven't thought about too much. Which leaves me with why am I not getting pregnant. I am hoping that he offers me some drugs or I might beg him. I don't care if I get pregnant with 2 or 3. I don't care if he lies to me and tells me their drugs to get me pregnant but really they are just aspirin. Maybe it will trick my mind into thinking they will help. I just want to be the one who gets to shout from the roof tops that we did it. I will have to wait for at least another 2 months before we can try again. I think it will be good to take a break.

Another one joining the group

Whenever I hear of another mother joining our group it breaks my heart. A good friend and coworker recently just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, he only stayed for a few short days before he left his parents. I wish I could take away the pain and the long road ahead. No matter how short or long a life is, that life mattered. I just hope the other people around her understand that. Please pray for my friend, to get through this.

The ones that don't get it

"I can never imagine what you are going through", "I lost my (fill in the blank) I know how you feel", "Your not over that yet?". I have you heard those lines before. Chances are you probably have, some of them maybe even made you so mad that you wanted to punch them in the face. I have lost 3 grandparents, a friend and my son. The first two will never compare to losing my son. We as grieving parents know what it is like, to hope and wish for one more day with our child, for some of us even just to spend one day with our child. Grieving parents get it. Then there is a whole other group of people who don't get it or maybe they don't have the compassion to try and get it.

I was that person...before I lost Jackson. I feel guilty now for feeling the way I did, because I didn't get it. I felt awful for the parents that lost a child but couldn't understand why they felt the way they did for so long. I never said anything because I knew better to shut up and just listen but always wondered. Losing Jackson has changed me forever. Death has changed for me, when someone tells me that they have a friend who passed away my first thought is "their poor parents". You can't ever explain to others what it is like. The pain you feel everyday and the struggle to even get dressed in the morning. Having more children doesn't fill the void you feel just sometimes makes it more noticable. Wishing for your other child to come back and be a big brother or sister. Family pictures always incomplete your family always incomplete.

I would never wish this on anyone. I just wish people would realize that grief is different for everyone and different in every situation. Death is inevitable but it is not suppose to be the children that go first. More people need think before you speak. I would never say to anyone are you over it. Even before this. I hope I never hear it myself, because I really don't know how I would handle it. Hopefully I will be prepared with some words of wisdom for that person, even if it means ruining a friendship.

Who would you be

I remember when Jackson was born I always thought about when he got older. Would he be tall or short for his age. Would he still have his read hair? Soon it will come up to the time when you would be turning 18 months old. The moment when you are officially a toddler. I think about what you would be like at 18 months old. This is what I imagine you would be....

I see you in overalls in the back yard with your red hair. I see you following around your daddy in your rubber boot staring at the lake that produces in the backyard everytime it rains. I see you and the dogs standing ankle deep in the mud and smiling when I tell you to get out. I see toys thrown around the house, (and me following you around trying to teach you to put them away so the dogs don't eat them). I see you staring out the window and pointing at the cars as they go by, and yelling "big truck" when the trucks drop off milk and bread at the store. I see you playing dress up with your girl cousins and fighting with your boy ones. The one thing I am missing out the most is cuddling you when your sick because that is the only time it will happen now. I am missing out on the kisses and hugs. I am missing out on watching you grow up. It breaks my heart because I wanted so badly to watch that happen and now I don't.

I know I am not the only one that is missing out. Sometimes I forget that your daddy is missing out too. If it doesn't break my heart on what I am missing out on, it hurts even more seeing what he is also missing out on. Trips to Canadian Tire, watching the Canadians get to the finals and you and daddy razzing mommy because her Leafs never do. Going out for breakfast so mommy can sleep in on the weekends. I would do anything to take that pain away.

The one thing I might miss the most is your laugh, I never got to hear it before you left us. That is one thing I wish I could have heard. I love you son.