Day 7 - What to say

There is nothing better then when people ask about Jackson or even just for people to call him by name. That makes me heart sing.

Day 6 - What not to say

There are so many things. I have been lucky in the sense that my family has never said anything about "getting over it" or "the new baby will help" or the best "I know what you have been through". Probably the worst thing someone has said in my presence was "oh I'm sure Lindsay has tons of boys stuff she would probably sell you". First of all it was not so much as 3 months after I lost my son but second the only little boy that is going to wear or touch his stuff is his younger brother.

Day 5 - Memorial

I do have a space in my home that is a memorial for Jackson but I wanted to use my tattoo for this day. This is my memorial to my son that I keep with me always my husband has the same one on his opposite shoulder. He is always looking over my shoulder and whenever there is a special occasion like my wedding he was with me.

Day 4 - Treasured Item

I have box that I keep in his room. In it contains little pieces of him, things he touched, wore, handprints/footprints and a clipping of his hair. Things that remind me of him. I also have stuff in ziploc bags so that when I open them they still smell like him. The blanket was something my family gave me after he died. Sometimes when I am laying on the couch cuddling with my daughter I pull it over us to make me feel like I have all my babies together.

Day 3 - Portrait after loss

This picture was taken about two weeks after Jackson died. My sister was pregnant with her first at the same time as I was pregnant with mine. She found out that she was going to have a boy in October shortly before we had Jackson. We were so excited that we were going to have babies and they were both going to be boys! Best friends! Our son died February 28th 2010 and my nephew was born March 7th 2010. One week,between the loss of my son and the birth of my nephew. This is me holding my nephew for the first time. My sister was always wonderful and never pressured me to hold him but I never wanted to look back and regret not holding him while he was a baby. I remember I cried the whole way home after holding him, but 2.5 years later I still don't regret that decision. I look at the picture and I remember how broken I was. How all I wanted was for Jackson to be there with us to enjoy his new baby cousin.

Day 2 - Self portrait from before loss

This picture is from the day Jackson was born. After being in labour for 8 hours and not dialating the doctor decided to do a c-section. This is in the recovery room after the surgery. I was shaking from the medication and couldn't feel over half my body but I couldn't wait any longer to hold my son. Best day of my life. Only 4 short months later we would be back at the hospital saying good-bye to him. Life as we know it would never be the same.

Capture your Grief - Day One Sunrise

October is a tough month for me to get through. The aniexty of knowing at the end of October will be November and I will have to celebrate yet another year without my sweet baby Jackson. When I read about Capture your Grief I wanted to be involved to help my mind focus on something else then counting the days until Jackson's birthday. Day one we were suppose to take a picture of a Sunrise. I had all the best of intentions of getting a picture of the sun rising this morning. My very cute and early rising alarm clock went off at 5am this morning. My first day did not go as planned. I watched the sun rise as I put her back to sleep for her first of 2 morning naps. Oh well as we know with babies they have their own schedule and when they need you, they need you. So I know that we were to take a picture from today's sunrise but there is one that is much more beautiful then the one that was out there today (at least from my neck of the woods). This sunrise is from the day Jackson was born. I remember looking at it after many hours of labour with no progress and thinking how beautiful it was. As they wheeled me into the OR to have a C-section there was a window where I could continue to watch the sun come up. So as the sun came up November 2nd 2009 my son came into this world.

Uncharted waters

I wish I could say that after making it to the 4 month mark I took a deep breath in and then was able to relax. I wish I could say that, but now I am trying to navigate uncharted waters. I have asked my sister and best friend a million questions because I don't have any clue about anything a baby does after 4 months. Currently she is amazing. Wait a minute she is always amazing. I have never wiped so much drool off a baby and have change her shirt at least twice a day.(I should put a bib on her but they just are not cute looking). She is growing like a weed. I swear last week in her jumperoo she was still on her toes and this week I had to move it up. I have put away all her 3-6 month clothing and had to laugh at some of the outfits because I did squeeze her into some one last time. She loves rolling from her back to front but has not mastered from front to back. I really wish she would because I freak out when I find her on her stomach in the middle of the night. I haven't moved her to her crib. I worry that the longer she stays the harder it will be on me to let her go in her own room. On the other hand if my husband ends up going away for work then I don't know if I want her in her room anyways. Marleigh has just experienced her first cold. Mommy and daddy are hating every minute of it. You can't really do anything for a sick baby but saline and bulb sucking which she hates soooooo much and screams everytime I do it. I had forgotten Johnson's made a vapour bath which I made Tim go and get and I tried last night and helped her a lot. We also tried rice cereal which she didn't really like and ended up spitting all over herself. I think we will wait another week. We are celebrating 5 months today. She is hilarious and is getting a little personality of her own. After Tim was off for a week they have really bonded and she doesn't freak out anymore with him. I love watching them together they are so much alike. I still have my good days and bad. I find at the end of the day when I'm rocking her to sleep is when its the hardest. I imagine an almost 3 year old coming in to give his little sister a kiss goodnight or having him entertain her while I'm doing stuff around the house. This thanksgiving my sister is coming home and I am anticipating it be hard. Her son and Jackson were only 4 months apart and her daughther and Marleigh are 6 months apart. I would love to see them all playing together. I wish Jackson was here to play with his little boy cousin. I think they would be great friends.

IS the Universe just messin with me

Before Marleigh was even born I always was worried about the first 4 months. Worried about her health, things I would be looking for. When we went to Sick Kids and got the testing done I felt I could finally take a breather for awhile. Actually I hadn't even thought about the 4 months since the day we came home from Sick Kids. On the eve of my little girl turning 3 months it all came back...and slapped me in the face. Today Marleigh has been spitting up a lot, to be honest (pardon the TMI she hasn't pooped since yesterday, which if she hasn't she does tend to spit up a lot. Makes sense there is no room at the inn so to speak. She felt warm to me so I took her temp (nothing)and I was worried she looked a little pale, Tim said the same thing when he got home. So then my wheels started turning. Boy had I wished they had stayed still. When getting pregnant with Jackson my goal was to be off on maternity leave for the winter Olympics in Vancouver. Weird but I was slightly obsessed with the Olympics. Ok here is the very weird coinsidence that is making me a little bit crazy. Jackson was 3 months when the Olympics started, Marleigh is turning 3 months tomorrow and the Olympics start Friday. So now I am freaked out. I know the Olympics has nothing to do with Jackson dying, but its just a weird freaky coinsidence. Now my paranoia of the first 4 months is coming back to haunt me. Is the universe testing my mental state for this next month, I am looking forward to August 26th, 4 months and 1 day. Just let me get there in one piece.

Moving Marleigh

Bassinet to Crib, my room to her room, can't she just stay in our room forever. Last week we made the decision to move Marleigh to her own room. The decison was a hard one for both of us, me more(although secretly I don't think Tim was excited either by the idea). I like having her right there, I can see her, hear her and comfort her if she needs it. She is almost 15 pounds and will be 3 months in a week, so why not get her in her own room. I just wish her room was closer...its all the way down the hall which takes about 5 seconds to get to (yes for me 5 seconds is too far). Plus she was doing awesome and sleeping from 7:30/8:00 to about 4 or 5am so I wouldn't be walking the halls all night to feed her. None of these things gave me comfort but what I do know is the longer she sleeps in our room the harder it will be for both of us to make the switch. So last week we started on Saturday (that way if she got up lots Tim could help). Well the first night I ended up sleeping in the Lazy Boy in her room. Night two her Angel Care monitor went off and I ended up in her room again. Wednesday it went off a couple of times and she ended up back in our room. We have recently adjusted the monitor and repositioned it in her bed, but she is still in our room. I think when I get back from visiting my mom I will make a go of it again. I really need her to be settled in her crib by September because I may have to go back to work shortly after that or even start working part time. I love Canada for giving us a year but I unfortunately they don't make it affordable. Anyone else have this problem out there? Anyone have any suggestions? I just want her to be safe and I want to not go crazy with worry all the time.