Jackson

Jackson
November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Monday, June 6, 2011

Rubbing my belly moment

Yesterday I had a moment. I was looking at my stomach and was rubbing it because I wasn't feeling well and I had heartburn like no other and I was feeling kinda sick(3 pregnancy tests later and still not pregnant). Anyways I babysit for this women who is pregnant and she is due around the same time as when I was suppose to be due. Actually come to think of it I have 3 women who are close to me that are due around the same time. I was admiring her belly and I realized if I had not had my miscarriage I would have that belly. I would be admiring my belly and maybe people would be doing the same. I recently went into my Maternity clothes bucket because I remembered I had some regular tank tops in there from when I lent them to my sister. As I was sifting through them I forgot some of the sweet clothes I had for summer. I would be wearing those clothes right now if I had not had the miscarriage. I would know right now what I was having, boy or girl. Tim and I would be discussing names and maybe trying to sift through Jackson's room trying to make sense of everything that is in there.

Anyways at that rubbing my belly moment I realized that I haven't let myself think about the miscarriage since it happened. I had a lot of things going on in February so I guess I just didn't let myself grieve for the baby I lost as I was grieving a year without Jackson. I would be about 23 weeks, over half way to the finish line. I would be rubbing my belly, waddling around, feeling the baby move. 23 weeks. Right now I am zero weeks pregnant and about 2 weeks until I go in for laproscopic surgery. Which really means the dr is going to go in with a camera and look at whats going on in my womb. I don't think he is going to find anything. At least that is what I hope. A guess another thing I haven't thought about too much. Which leaves me with why am I not getting pregnant. I am hoping that he offers me some drugs or I might beg him. I don't care if I get pregnant with 2 or 3. I don't care if he lies to me and tells me their drugs to get me pregnant but really they are just aspirin. Maybe it will trick my mind into thinking they will help. I just want to be the one who gets to shout from the roof tops that we did it. I will have to wait for at least another 2 months before we can try again. I think it will be good to take a break.

2 comments:

  1. I am hoping that maybe you are pregnant and the tests just aren't telling you yet, in the early days (5 weeks and under) sometimes those tests get it wrong...

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  2. I can relate to the not grieving the miscarriage. I had a miscarriage and I immediately just wanted to be pregnant again. Miscarriage is different than infant loss because you never see your baby. You never know them.. so it's almost like getting pregnant again puts "that" baby back, like it never happened. 5 months after my miscarriage I fell on the spare bed holding a sleeper that my mother in law had purchased for the lost baby and cried.. really wept for the loss in a different way than I had immediately following. That cycle, I conceived. ~shrug~ Coincidence? I don't know.

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