Marleigh Fiona is here

After tossing and turning over the decision over whether to have a vbac or go with a c-section, my husband and I thought it best to just get the c-section. I was worried about losing my ability to have more children and after the doctor had told me that she herself had performed 5 sections on one women I felt a little better about having another c-section. They scheduled it for Wednesday, April 25th, let me tell you it was the longest week of my life. April 25th, Tim and I arrived at the hospital for 4:30 am. We were the only ones in triage waiting to go in for my surgery. The nurses told us it was a slow night so they were glad to have someone come in. They hooked up my IV and asked me all the pre surgery questions. Tim and I tried to enjoy the last 2 hours of me being pregnant and trying to keep the mood light since again I was going for surgery. Around 6 my midwives came in and waited with us until they got everyone ready to go into the OR. The OB came in and talked to me about the surgery and assured me everything was going to be ok. 6:30 am they walked me down to the OR. I was feeling pretty nervous. When I went in for my emergency c-section with Jackson I had been in labour for 10 hours, and had already received a couple of doses of different pain killers and was a little out of it so I didn't have time to let my mind wander and think about having the surgery. Everyone in the OR was great, they really focused on trying to get me to take deep breaths and relax and reminded me that in a few minutes we would meet our baby girl. I could hear everything that was going on. The first thing the doctor said was "holy look at all that hair", then "wow she is a big girl". When I heard her little cry it was the most amazing sound ever. I couldn't wait to see her and hold her. Everyone was trying to guess what she weighed. I told my midwife I thought she was high 8's and Tim said he thought she was 9lbs 10 ounces. He was right on! So at 7:21, April 25th Marleigh Fiona Gagne arrived. I am glad I went with the c-sectin because if I had to wait to go into spontaneous labour she probably would have been close to 11 pounds and might have ended up with another c-section anyways. She is 5 days old and she is such a good baby. Needless to say she is 5 days old and my worry meter is 10. I think is she eating enough, is she sleeping too much, is her colouring ok. She is spitting up should I be worried. Yesterday she actually spit up a little blood with her milk. I almost threw her in the car and sped to the hospital. My midwife calmed me down and after looking at my nipples I realized there was some damage and the blood was from me. Tim has been amazing and is trying to always get me to take a deep breath. Here is a picture of her. She looks so much like her big brother only with a lot more hair.

Vbac or not to Vbac

This entire pregnancy all I have thought about is my Vbac. I would finally get to have this baby vaginally and not via c-section. I was disappointed that I had to have a c-section the first time but because I never got past 2.5 cm I really didn't have a choice. Today I finally met with an OGBYN who is pro VBAC and has had a very good success rate with other women who have also had VBAC's. Unfortunately I did not get the news I was hoping for.

After reveiwing my file she told me that I was not a good canidate for a VBAC. Some of the reasons being that the doctor that performed my first c-section didn't sew me up in layers (which I didn't know there was a difference)which put me at a higher risk of uterine rupture. She is worried because I had a big baby the first time and that I had a failure to progress with the first induction. The last factor was that my son died 4 months after the first c-section. Crushed is not the word I would describe when I left that appointment. She said I could choose to still have the VBAC but I would have to sign a consent form that would not make her liable if something were to go wrong. I still need to talk it over with Tim, and figure out what I want to do. I have done some internet research since getting home and the risk is 1 in 200 that I could have a uterine rupture. Looking at those statistics are not very comforting, especially since I just found out that what Jackson died of was a 1 in 300,000 chance. I feel like statistics are not in my favour right now.

We want to have more children and the doctor told me that she has done 5 c-sections on one women. I just want my baby to be safe but I don't want to feel like I am being scared into a decision. Which is easy when you start talking about things going wrong and possible losing my baby, my uterus or even me. My heart is sad, but I just want to do what is right and what is safe for me and the baby. I guess I have the decision already, I just don't want to say it out loud.

Answers to 2 year old questions

Anomalous left coronary artery from the pulmunary artery or ALCAPA for short. This is what Jackson died of. This is what we have been waiting two years to find out. After meeting with a pediatrician Thursday of last week and signing yet another release form she called today to tell us what she found out. After googling for an hour, reading what I could about it then reading the many posts from mothers whose child was diagnosed early enough and they were able to correct it. I had to shut the computer. I didn't want to read anymore about how now their child is 6 and healthy, my son wasn't one of them.

This is what I found out, 1 in 300,000 babies are born with this. 90% will die within the first year if it is not corrected. This means it is not passed down a family line but that still does not make it any less easier to not worry about my current pregnancy. I still have mixed feelings about this new information. In the back of my mind I have always thought it was something that was always there but never detected, but now I will always wonder if I just got him in sooner, pushed for them to do more would I be the one telling everyone that my son is 6 and healthy.

This baby is still going to get an echocardiogram when she is a month old and I will be on pins and needles until I know FOR SURE that she is ok. I only wish that there was more information about it out there. Why does it take one child to die for the rest to be screened. Why did my son have to be the 1 in 300,000.

Jackson's Room

With only 6 more weeks to go (give or take a couple) Tim and I buckled down and went through Jackson's room. Well to be honest we called in reinforcements (my mom and mother in law). I think it was for the best because whenever Tim and I would start we made it 2 feet in the room started crying or feeling overwhelmed and gave up. The time had come though. His little sisters room was painted and was waiting for furniture.

The decison to leave his room the way it was, was not an easy one to make. We had family and friends weigh in but the decision was ours alone and it took us awhile to decide. We decided to leave it, now some might not agree and that maybe a change was needed but we felt that it being a guest room for the time being would be ok. That way we could still go in and lay on the bed and remember when he was a living part of the room.

I packed up all of the boy clothes, some which still had tags and put them in boxes for another time, maybe and hopefully someday another little boy. The special things I put together in a box just for him. Things that only he would get to wear and some stuff that was the last thing he wore. I only had a moment of panic when I couldn't find the envelope with the clipping of his hair. I tore through a pile of things that were still in a pile from the funeral and there it was.

I was so focused on getting the room clean and tidy I never let myself get too upset. Again if it were just Tim and I, I feel the room would have never got done. We allowed ourselves the time after everyone left to just be in the room together and remember our special little guy.

2 years

When I look at the last 2 years of my life its hard to believe that your gone. It feels like forever since I heard you talk, or cry or just held and rocked you to sleep. My heart breaks everytime I see a picture of you and know that your not coming back. I can remember the day you left us so vividly it has been haunting me in my dreams at night.

There are many people who will never understand what its like to lose a child but know that it never goes away. That little piece of my heart is still broken and it has never gone away. I wish that you were here to watch you grow up with your little sister, to drive her crazy and cut the hair of her barbie dolls. I hope in some way you still watch over her.

I don't want to talk about the day you left us because I want to remember the happier times we had you, before you got sick. Today I remember you for all the things you taught me and showed me in your short but meaningful life. I love always and forever my baby boy.

Grief timeline

No one will ever know the grief of losing a child, unless they to have lost one themselves. Many people don't seem to get that. February is slowly creeping to an end, which also means that the day that Jackson died is also creeping closer. This year will be two years since he has died. I read on another mommies blog describing the second year of loss is like being punched in the throat. I think she nailed it. I'm trying not to stress out too much about it, because my pregnancy doesn't need anymore stress.

After finding out we were having a girl my husband and I had to decide whether we were going to paint his room or make up another room for her. Everytime I went into his room I couldn't do it. I need to leave the space as it is, even just to have a place to go and remember him. Some people don't seem to understand why we are doing that and frankly I don't care. That was his room and for now it will stay that way, it will be a place where my nephews or nieces can stay when they come to visit.

No one has yet to ask me if I'm over losing Jackson. Hopefully the people around me are smart enough not to. The only thing I have been able to get over is me thinking it was my fault that he died. I will never get over losing Jackson though. No matter how many years go by and even after having other children. He will always be missing and our famiy.

Level 2 ultrasound

I met with my secondary midwife the other day for a regular check up. For those of you not familiar with midwifery care you get two midwives. You meet with both of them through out the pregnancy and that way whenever they little one wants to make an appreance you will know both of the women who will be delivering your baby. Anyways after the check up she asked me how I was feeling (and not the normal pregnancy feelings). She said that she knew about my son and wanted to know what happened exactly. So I told her I have my good days and bad. I told her I wasn't anticipating February as it would be two years since Jackson had died. I also told her that I was probably going to be a crazy person when this baby arrived and that rules would be put into place so that people didn't just come over and that knew to stay away if they were sick.

She must have sensed my aniexty and asked if my husband and I wanted to get a level two ultrasound. They would be sending us to Kingston (even though I asked if there was another place close by that we could go). She said they do a much more intense screening and make sure all the baby's systems are working properly. So we go next week for the ultrasound. I have aniexty about it, which is weird considering nothing came up in the first ultrasound but I think it might have a lot to do with going to the same hospital where Jackson died. We haven't been in almost two years so I am not looking forward to going there, but I will do it for the baby. I want to be prepared for anything just in case they do find something.

Finding Out part 2

So we didn't exactly find out. Our baby decided to cover itself up so we couldn't find out. The tech thought though it might be a girl but she couldn't be 100%. I wasn't sure how I felt but by the time I got home my I had to lay down because my brain was going a mile a minute. I couldn't stop thinking "what do we do?", "I don't know if I am ready to paint Jackson's room", "Do we leave it and make it into a guest room and make up another room?". I guess I went into panic mode. When the tech said it might be a girl I wasn't upset but then the fear of going through and putting away all of the boy clothes was freaking me out. I couldn't sleep last night because my brain wouldn't shut off.
We could go for another ultra sound to be 100% sure but this little part of me thinks maybe that was the way the universe wanted it. For me to finally go through Jackson's clothes and clean his room and make room for this new very wanted baby. Even though I want everything to be ready to go for when the baby gets here, technically the baby will be living with us for the first couple of weeks anyways so the only room that needs to be ready is ours. I have come to the conclusion I will clean up Jackson's room. Fill half of dresser with boys stuff and the other half with girls and wait. Then when the baby comes and find out for sure if its a little boy or girl. That is sort of exciting to me. I never understood the draw of not knowing but maybe this is the surprise I need. Now we just have to come up with names and wait 20 more weeks. I just repeating Keep calm and carry on.

Finding out

Tomorrow is the big day when we find out what we are having (as long as the baby co-operates). I am scared and excited. People keep saying you should leave it a surprise, but for me its about being prepared. For me its emotionally prepared. I will love this baby no matter what. I just want to be happy and healthy, but in my heart I am hoping its a boy. I feel like I missed out on so much with Jackson. Playing cars, making mud pies, finding rocks in my washing machine. I want that so badly.I have always wanted a house filled with boys.
If tomorrow we find out its a girl I won't be dissappointed, but I know that Tim and I will have a long emotional road of packing up all of the boy clothes, bedding and even undertake painting the nursery to make it more comfortable for a little girl. I feel like a horrible mom for even writing this. I'm already worried about not being enough for this baby, it will live a bubble for at least the first year of its life. For the first 4 months the baby will be compared to Jackson (there is probably no way around it even if its just in the back of my head). Having a rainbow baby I'm sure is hard for everyone, I hope that I am not the only one who has these thoughts. Tomorrow I will know. Then I just have to wait 4.5 more months to hold him or her and love them with all my heart.

Thoughts of you

Since becoming pregnant all I have thought about is Jackson. Sometimes I will be falling asleep at night and he is there. I wish I could say it was those days where he made me laugh or a fun memory that I shared with him but they are often of February 28th. The ones that reaccure more often are those of me telling my sister that he died, or the moment me stopped breathing, the moment when my parents came into room to see he was no longer with us. It makes me sad to think that those are the memories that I haven't been able to get rid of and all the happy ones gone.

We still have videos and pictures but we will eventually get to February 28th again and I will realize its been two years since he has been gone. My fear is that when this new little one comes it will be harder to remember him. That people will stop saying his name. I want to remember everything like the moment I held him for the first time, the first time he rolled over, the first time he smiled for me. I miss him so much some days that I still find myself crying in the car. I know this doesn't or will never get any easier. I just wish I could have one more day to hold him and tell him I love him.