Day 5 - Memorial

I do have a space in my home that is a memorial for Jackson but I wanted to use my tattoo for this day. This is my memorial to my son that I keep with me always my husband has the same one on his opposite shoulder. He is always looking over my shoulder and whenever there is a special occasion like my wedding he was with me.

Day 4 - Treasured Item

I have box that I keep in his room. In it contains little pieces of him, things he touched, wore, handprints/footprints and a clipping of his hair. Things that remind me of him. I also have stuff in ziploc bags so that when I open them they still smell like him. The blanket was something my family gave me after he died. Sometimes when I am laying on the couch cuddling with my daughter I pull it over us to make me feel like I have all my babies together.

Day 3 - Portrait after loss

This picture was taken about two weeks after Jackson died. My sister was pregnant with her first at the same time as I was pregnant with mine. She found out that she was going to have a boy in October shortly before we had Jackson. We were so excited that we were going to have babies and they were both going to be boys! Best friends! Our son died February 28th 2010 and my nephew was born March 7th 2010. One week,between the loss of my son and the birth of my nephew. This is me holding my nephew for the first time. My sister was always wonderful and never pressured me to hold him but I never wanted to look back and regret not holding him while he was a baby. I remember I cried the whole way home after holding him, but 2.5 years later I still don't regret that decision. I look at the picture and I remember how broken I was. How all I wanted was for Jackson to be there with us to enjoy his new baby cousin.

Day 2 - Self portrait from before loss

This picture is from the day Jackson was born. After being in labour for 8 hours and not dialating the doctor decided to do a c-section. This is in the recovery room after the surgery. I was shaking from the medication and couldn't feel over half my body but I couldn't wait any longer to hold my son. Best day of my life. Only 4 short months later we would be back at the hospital saying good-bye to him. Life as we know it would never be the same.

Capture your Grief - Day One Sunrise

October is a tough month for me to get through. The aniexty of knowing at the end of October will be November and I will have to celebrate yet another year without my sweet baby Jackson. When I read about Capture your Grief I wanted to be involved to help my mind focus on something else then counting the days until Jackson's birthday. Day one we were suppose to take a picture of a Sunrise. I had all the best of intentions of getting a picture of the sun rising this morning. My very cute and early rising alarm clock went off at 5am this morning. My first day did not go as planned. I watched the sun rise as I put her back to sleep for her first of 2 morning naps. Oh well as we know with babies they have their own schedule and when they need you, they need you. So I know that we were to take a picture from today's sunrise but there is one that is much more beautiful then the one that was out there today (at least from my neck of the woods). This sunrise is from the day Jackson was born. I remember looking at it after many hours of labour with no progress and thinking how beautiful it was. As they wheeled me into the OR to have a C-section there was a window where I could continue to watch the sun come up. So as the sun came up November 2nd 2009 my son came into this world.

Uncharted waters

I wish I could say that after making it to the 4 month mark I took a deep breath in and then was able to relax. I wish I could say that, but now I am trying to navigate uncharted waters. I have asked my sister and best friend a million questions because I don't have any clue about anything a baby does after 4 months. Currently she is amazing. Wait a minute she is always amazing. I have never wiped so much drool off a baby and have change her shirt at least twice a day.(I should put a bib on her but they just are not cute looking). She is growing like a weed. I swear last week in her jumperoo she was still on her toes and this week I had to move it up. I have put away all her 3-6 month clothing and had to laugh at some of the outfits because I did squeeze her into some one last time. She loves rolling from her back to front but has not mastered from front to back. I really wish she would because I freak out when I find her on her stomach in the middle of the night. I haven't moved her to her crib. I worry that the longer she stays the harder it will be on me to let her go in her own room. On the other hand if my husband ends up going away for work then I don't know if I want her in her room anyways. Marleigh has just experienced her first cold. Mommy and daddy are hating every minute of it. You can't really do anything for a sick baby but saline and bulb sucking which she hates soooooo much and screams everytime I do it. I had forgotten Johnson's made a vapour bath which I made Tim go and get and I tried last night and helped her a lot. We also tried rice cereal which she didn't really like and ended up spitting all over herself. I think we will wait another week. We are celebrating 5 months today. She is hilarious and is getting a little personality of her own. After Tim was off for a week they have really bonded and she doesn't freak out anymore with him. I love watching them together they are so much alike. I still have my good days and bad. I find at the end of the day when I'm rocking her to sleep is when its the hardest. I imagine an almost 3 year old coming in to give his little sister a kiss goodnight or having him entertain her while I'm doing stuff around the house. This thanksgiving my sister is coming home and I am anticipating it be hard. Her son and Jackson were only 4 months apart and her daughther and Marleigh are 6 months apart. I would love to see them all playing together. I wish Jackson was here to play with his little boy cousin. I think they would be great friends.

IS the Universe just messin with me

Before Marleigh was even born I always was worried about the first 4 months. Worried about her health, things I would be looking for. When we went to Sick Kids and got the testing done I felt I could finally take a breather for awhile. Actually I hadn't even thought about the 4 months since the day we came home from Sick Kids. On the eve of my little girl turning 3 months it all came back...and slapped me in the face. Today Marleigh has been spitting up a lot, to be honest (pardon the TMI she hasn't pooped since yesterday, which if she hasn't she does tend to spit up a lot. Makes sense there is no room at the inn so to speak. She felt warm to me so I took her temp (nothing)and I was worried she looked a little pale, Tim said the same thing when he got home. So then my wheels started turning. Boy had I wished they had stayed still. When getting pregnant with Jackson my goal was to be off on maternity leave for the winter Olympics in Vancouver. Weird but I was slightly obsessed with the Olympics. Ok here is the very weird coinsidence that is making me a little bit crazy. Jackson was 3 months when the Olympics started, Marleigh is turning 3 months tomorrow and the Olympics start Friday. So now I am freaked out. I know the Olympics has nothing to do with Jackson dying, but its just a weird freaky coinsidence. Now my paranoia of the first 4 months is coming back to haunt me. Is the universe testing my mental state for this next month, I am looking forward to August 26th, 4 months and 1 day. Just let me get there in one piece.

Moving Marleigh

Bassinet to Crib, my room to her room, can't she just stay in our room forever. Last week we made the decision to move Marleigh to her own room. The decison was a hard one for both of us, me more(although secretly I don't think Tim was excited either by the idea). I like having her right there, I can see her, hear her and comfort her if she needs it. She is almost 15 pounds and will be 3 months in a week, so why not get her in her own room. I just wish her room was closer...its all the way down the hall which takes about 5 seconds to get to (yes for me 5 seconds is too far). Plus she was doing awesome and sleeping from 7:30/8:00 to about 4 or 5am so I wouldn't be walking the halls all night to feed her. None of these things gave me comfort but what I do know is the longer she sleeps in our room the harder it will be for both of us to make the switch. So last week we started on Saturday (that way if she got up lots Tim could help). Well the first night I ended up sleeping in the Lazy Boy in her room. Night two her Angel Care monitor went off and I ended up in her room again. Wednesday it went off a couple of times and she ended up back in our room. We have recently adjusted the monitor and repositioned it in her bed, but she is still in our room. I think when I get back from visiting my mom I will make a go of it again. I really need her to be settled in her crib by September because I may have to go back to work shortly after that or even start working part time. I love Canada for giving us a year but I unfortunately they don't make it affordable. Anyone else have this problem out there? Anyone have any suggestions? I just want her to be safe and I want to not go crazy with worry all the time.

Jackson and Marleigh

In the last 7 weeks I have realized a BIG difference between my children. Those differences I wish were more evident when Jackson was alive. These differences maybe would have made me second guess the health of Jackson. Both of my babies were big, Jackson was 9lbs 4oz and Marleigh 9lbs 10oz. When Jackson was learning to breast feed he didn't take to it as soon as Marleigh did. This could have been for a number of reason, me having been through the labour process (I tried a number of pain relief options before I got the epidural), then finally having to have a c-section probably caused him to be a little sleepier then other baby's. Also me being a first time mom and not really knowing how to breast feed was a other factor. Marleigh on the other hand was a fabulous breastfeeder right off the bat. I did have to have a c-section but I didn't have the same amount of pain relievers in my system as I did with Jackson. Once Jackson and I figured out the breast feeding he gained a lot in the first 2 months. Compared to Marleigh, currently she is 12lbs 13oz and only 7 weeks. Yes she started out bigger but when Jackson died he barely topped the scales at 12lbs 3oz and that was at 4 months. Right away a alarm should have went off in my brain. Jackson didn't gain any weight from his 2 month check up to the time I took him to the doctor when he started getting sick. Actually an alarm should have went off in my doctor's head. Since Jackson has died we have found a new doctor, who I can say is amazing actually the whole office is. They all know our story and all are kind and go that extra mile. Anyways my new doctor said something that has made me think (I wish I had you when Jackson was alive)one of the signs that something is wrong with a child's heart is that they are not eating. DING DONG! Jackson wasn't eating very well at all the last month he was alive. If I had the new doctor maybe she would have been on the ball and got him in for a echo right away. Marleigh is almost two months and I can't believe that time is flying by. I realize how little time I had with Jackson. 4 months isn't that long. She will be 4 months before I know it. She will soon be doing all the things that Jackson did before he left us. She is smiling and sticking out her tongue, she looks so much like her big brother, only she has a big chubby face and little chubby legs. Something Jackson never had. Everyday I tell her about Jackson, she loves to look at the black and white picture of Jackson in our living room. Sometimes I see her staring at something over my shoulder and will start smiling or cooing. I wonder if its Jackson checking in to make sure she is ok. I miss my little boy so much, some days I tear up when she flashes me a smile or does something that reminds me of Jackson. Anyone who thinks that having a rainbow baby makes life better is crazy. Yes its wonderful to have another baby and I love Marleigh with all my heart but sometimes its a stab in the heart too. Your family isn't all together and as she gets bigger it will remind me of all the things I missed out on with Jackson.

What a day

Today we had our a appointment at Sick Kids hospital in Toronto. I had been looking/ dreading this appointment for the last 3 weeks. We drove up the night before so we didn't have get up at 2 am to drive to Toronto, and maybe get some extra sleep. We did not get the sleep we needed (someone didn't want to sleeep) and I also needed to stop feeding her at 4am so she wouldn't puke when she was sedated. We got to the hospital early because I had heard it was huge and it be hard to find our way around. Let me start by saying our exprience at this hospital from start to finish was amazing. We had a nurse that only dealt with Marleigh for the entire time. I didn't like the sedation part but only because she hated the taste of the medicine and freaked out the entire time she had to take it. When she finally settled they got to the echocardiogram. This was probably about 2 hours long. I don't know how many pictures the ultrasound tech took or even what I was looking at but Marleigh was good the entire time (even giving the tech a chuckle when she started tooting during the echo). We then had to meet with the doctor at 1:30. I felt sick as I waited for him to come in the room. Tim told me to chill out, we already knew what they were going to say....or did we. He told us that the echo was great, everything was attached where it should be etc, and that her heart was perfect. I said perfect except for her aorta going a different way. He said no its perfect, everything is where it should be. Pardon. Say that again. SHOCK was not what I would say I was feeling. Pissed might be closer. Tim and I have spent the last 4 weeks, not sleeping, contemplating not having more kids because of the fear that another baby could be born with a heart problem. I haven't been able to fully enjoy my baby because I have been so worried about her. I asked the doctor how someone could screw that up, how someone could read an ultrasound wrong. He had no answers. I wanted to drive to Kingston and srangle the person who read the first ultra sound. Tell them how could you do this to parents who have already lost a baby because a heart problem. I have learned that so much from this experience. One being that you need to always get a second (maybe a third) opinion. Demand the care you want for your child because they are to little to do it themselves. These are the things I wish I had learned before losing Jackson. Even sitting there watching Marleigh get her echo done I wished I had drove him the two hours to sick kids. Maybe things would be different, but even if they weren't I would feel like I did everything I possible could and took him to a hospital that would have done everything they possible could too.