Jackson's Room

With only 6 more weeks to go (give or take a couple) Tim and I buckled down and went through Jackson's room. Well to be honest we called in reinforcements (my mom and mother in law). I think it was for the best because whenever Tim and I would start we made it 2 feet in the room started crying or feeling overwhelmed and gave up. The time had come though. His little sisters room was painted and was waiting for furniture.

The decison to leave his room the way it was, was not an easy one to make. We had family and friends weigh in but the decision was ours alone and it took us awhile to decide. We decided to leave it, now some might not agree and that maybe a change was needed but we felt that it being a guest room for the time being would be ok. That way we could still go in and lay on the bed and remember when he was a living part of the room.

I packed up all of the boy clothes, some which still had tags and put them in boxes for another time, maybe and hopefully someday another little boy. The special things I put together in a box just for him. Things that only he would get to wear and some stuff that was the last thing he wore. I only had a moment of panic when I couldn't find the envelope with the clipping of his hair. I tore through a pile of things that were still in a pile from the funeral and there it was.

I was so focused on getting the room clean and tidy I never let myself get too upset. Again if it were just Tim and I, I feel the room would have never got done. We allowed ourselves the time after everyone left to just be in the room together and remember our special little guy.

2 years

When I look at the last 2 years of my life its hard to believe that your gone. It feels like forever since I heard you talk, or cry or just held and rocked you to sleep. My heart breaks everytime I see a picture of you and know that your not coming back. I can remember the day you left us so vividly it has been haunting me in my dreams at night.

There are many people who will never understand what its like to lose a child but know that it never goes away. That little piece of my heart is still broken and it has never gone away. I wish that you were here to watch you grow up with your little sister, to drive her crazy and cut the hair of her barbie dolls. I hope in some way you still watch over her.

I don't want to talk about the day you left us because I want to remember the happier times we had you, before you got sick. Today I remember you for all the things you taught me and showed me in your short but meaningful life. I love always and forever my baby boy.

Grief timeline

No one will ever know the grief of losing a child, unless they to have lost one themselves. Many people don't seem to get that. February is slowly creeping to an end, which also means that the day that Jackson died is also creeping closer. This year will be two years since he has died. I read on another mommies blog describing the second year of loss is like being punched in the throat. I think she nailed it. I'm trying not to stress out too much about it, because my pregnancy doesn't need anymore stress.

After finding out we were having a girl my husband and I had to decide whether we were going to paint his room or make up another room for her. Everytime I went into his room I couldn't do it. I need to leave the space as it is, even just to have a place to go and remember him. Some people don't seem to understand why we are doing that and frankly I don't care. That was his room and for now it will stay that way, it will be a place where my nephews or nieces can stay when they come to visit.

No one has yet to ask me if I'm over losing Jackson. Hopefully the people around me are smart enough not to. The only thing I have been able to get over is me thinking it was my fault that he died. I will never get over losing Jackson though. No matter how many years go by and even after having other children. He will always be missing and our famiy.

Level 2 ultrasound

I met with my secondary midwife the other day for a regular check up. For those of you not familiar with midwifery care you get two midwives. You meet with both of them through out the pregnancy and that way whenever they little one wants to make an appreance you will know both of the women who will be delivering your baby. Anyways after the check up she asked me how I was feeling (and not the normal pregnancy feelings). She said that she knew about my son and wanted to know what happened exactly. So I told her I have my good days and bad. I told her I wasn't anticipating February as it would be two years since Jackson had died. I also told her that I was probably going to be a crazy person when this baby arrived and that rules would be put into place so that people didn't just come over and that knew to stay away if they were sick.

She must have sensed my aniexty and asked if my husband and I wanted to get a level two ultrasound. They would be sending us to Kingston (even though I asked if there was another place close by that we could go). She said they do a much more intense screening and make sure all the baby's systems are working properly. So we go next week for the ultrasound. I have aniexty about it, which is weird considering nothing came up in the first ultrasound but I think it might have a lot to do with going to the same hospital where Jackson died. We haven't been in almost two years so I am not looking forward to going there, but I will do it for the baby. I want to be prepared for anything just in case they do find something.

Finding Out part 2

So we didn't exactly find out. Our baby decided to cover itself up so we couldn't find out. The tech thought though it might be a girl but she couldn't be 100%. I wasn't sure how I felt but by the time I got home my I had to lay down because my brain was going a mile a minute. I couldn't stop thinking "what do we do?", "I don't know if I am ready to paint Jackson's room", "Do we leave it and make it into a guest room and make up another room?". I guess I went into panic mode. When the tech said it might be a girl I wasn't upset but then the fear of going through and putting away all of the boy clothes was freaking me out. I couldn't sleep last night because my brain wouldn't shut off.
We could go for another ultra sound to be 100% sure but this little part of me thinks maybe that was the way the universe wanted it. For me to finally go through Jackson's clothes and clean his room and make room for this new very wanted baby. Even though I want everything to be ready to go for when the baby gets here, technically the baby will be living with us for the first couple of weeks anyways so the only room that needs to be ready is ours. I have come to the conclusion I will clean up Jackson's room. Fill half of dresser with boys stuff and the other half with girls and wait. Then when the baby comes and find out for sure if its a little boy or girl. That is sort of exciting to me. I never understood the draw of not knowing but maybe this is the surprise I need. Now we just have to come up with names and wait 20 more weeks. I just repeating Keep calm and carry on.

Finding out

Tomorrow is the big day when we find out what we are having (as long as the baby co-operates). I am scared and excited. People keep saying you should leave it a surprise, but for me its about being prepared. For me its emotionally prepared. I will love this baby no matter what. I just want to be happy and healthy, but in my heart I am hoping its a boy. I feel like I missed out on so much with Jackson. Playing cars, making mud pies, finding rocks in my washing machine. I want that so badly.I have always wanted a house filled with boys.
If tomorrow we find out its a girl I won't be dissappointed, but I know that Tim and I will have a long emotional road of packing up all of the boy clothes, bedding and even undertake painting the nursery to make it more comfortable for a little girl. I feel like a horrible mom for even writing this. I'm already worried about not being enough for this baby, it will live a bubble for at least the first year of its life. For the first 4 months the baby will be compared to Jackson (there is probably no way around it even if its just in the back of my head). Having a rainbow baby I'm sure is hard for everyone, I hope that I am not the only one who has these thoughts. Tomorrow I will know. Then I just have to wait 4.5 more months to hold him or her and love them with all my heart.

Thoughts of you

Since becoming pregnant all I have thought about is Jackson. Sometimes I will be falling asleep at night and he is there. I wish I could say it was those days where he made me laugh or a fun memory that I shared with him but they are often of February 28th. The ones that reaccure more often are those of me telling my sister that he died, or the moment me stopped breathing, the moment when my parents came into room to see he was no longer with us. It makes me sad to think that those are the memories that I haven't been able to get rid of and all the happy ones gone.

We still have videos and pictures but we will eventually get to February 28th again and I will realize its been two years since he has been gone. My fear is that when this new little one comes it will be harder to remember him. That people will stop saying his name. I want to remember everything like the moment I held him for the first time, the first time he rolled over, the first time he smiled for me. I miss him so much some days that I still find myself crying in the car. I know this doesn't or will never get any easier. I just wish I could have one more day to hold him and tell him I love him.

Our Rainbow baby

After over a year of trying and 1 pregnancy loss Tim and I are very blessed to say that we are expecting a baby in April or May. This 12 weeks has been the longest that I have ever been through. Every pain or ache has been followed by fear and anxiety. Everytime I picked up something that I think was too heavy I would worry that something might happen. This pregnancy I know will not be an easy one but I know that I have many people around me to lean on when I need it.

We have told our families and close friends but have not announced it publicly on Facebook (so for those of you on my facebook please don't say anything). We have decided to go with a midwife again, but will be meeting with an OB around the week 34 mark to talk about having a VBAC. We have also already talked about meeting with an pediatritian after the baby is born to getting an ultra sound of the babies heart and any other tests to make sure that the baby is ok.

This pregnancy is so bittersweet. I always imagined having Jackson be there too. Watching the baby and trying to figure out what this new little baby is doing. The two of them growing up together and playing and getting dirty together. I'm worried about how I will react when this baby does things that I never got to see Jackson do. I'm worried about my anxiety level everytime that baby has the sniffles or vomits. I know that I will put my foot down more and make sure that my number one priority will be to make sure the baby is happy and that Tim and I are happy. I have lost so much and I don't want to take that chance again.

There are so many decisions to be made but most of them won't be made until we find out if its a boy or a girl. After that comes the emotional stuff and the biggest thing is going through Jackson's room. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. For now I am going to enjoy every second and every detail of this pregnancy and most of all not let the stress and anxiety get the better of me.

A special day without you there

After 6 months of planning, lots of tears, a few conflicts and me trying not to spin around in circles, Tim and I are finally married. We beat the odds and are still together after losing the most important person in our world. We decided from the get go that we would not have children in our wedding party, for one reason there are way to many nieces and nephews to co-operate but also because the only ring bearer I wanted was Jackson. I tried to imagine the day if he was there, in his suit matching his dad's. Him sitting at the head table in between us, getting food all over his nice suit and probably Tim's and my dress. Dancing with his cousins and then attacking the cupcakes and candy buffet, then eventually crashing around 9. Even though that is not how the day went I still felt his presence every step of the way. We paid tribute to our son on our special day through a prayer and lit a candle. We made sure that our wedding pictures had a piece of him present. The day was "perfect" and went fairly smoothly. I have a feeling our little man had something do with.

The kids...they'll surprise you.

I don't get paid enough to do what I do but I love it. I try to teach respect and especially try to get kids to work out their conflicts on their own. I didn't realize I was also showing a new generation that its ok to talk about the death of a baby. So it all started with a conversation about my tatoo.
Child: Lindsay why do you have a tatoo of Jackson on your back.
Me: Its not the Jackson from the daycare.
Child: Well then who is it?
Me: Its my son Jackson.
Child: You have a son, named Jackson.
Me: Yes, but he died when he was 4 months old.
Child:How did he die? Why did he die? Was he born early or late?

So for about 20 minutes I explained to children (in a child friendly manner) about how Jackson died, was I sad...etc. I talked to 8,9,10 year olds about my son. I was amazed that they asked so many questions and that they weren't freaked out. Yet people who are in their 20's and 30's can't even handle it. Even later I heard one of kids say, "see that tattoo on Lindsay's shoulder, its her son, he died when he was only 4 months old." Even I can't be as casual as that. Maybe I am teaching more then they need to know but unfortunately it happens to more women then just me. I'm not going to lie to them. I'm sure over the years it won't be the last time they hear it. So my hope is in 20 years if it happens to someone they know they won't be that person that runs uncomfortable about it but is the one that they can lean on. Now if we could just get some adults off the uncomfortable train then wouldn't be easier for everyone.