The ones that don't get it

"I can never imagine what you are going through", "I lost my (fill in the blank) I know how you feel", "Your not over that yet?". I have you heard those lines before. Chances are you probably have, some of them maybe even made you so mad that you wanted to punch them in the face. I have lost 3 grandparents, a friend and my son. The first two will never compare to losing my son. We as grieving parents know what it is like, to hope and wish for one more day with our child, for some of us even just to spend one day with our child. Grieving parents get it. Then there is a whole other group of people who don't get it or maybe they don't have the compassion to try and get it.

I was that person...before I lost Jackson. I feel guilty now for feeling the way I did, because I didn't get it. I felt awful for the parents that lost a child but couldn't understand why they felt the way they did for so long. I never said anything because I knew better to shut up and just listen but always wondered. Losing Jackson has changed me forever. Death has changed for me, when someone tells me that they have a friend who passed away my first thought is "their poor parents". You can't ever explain to others what it is like. The pain you feel everyday and the struggle to even get dressed in the morning. Having more children doesn't fill the void you feel just sometimes makes it more noticable. Wishing for your other child to come back and be a big brother or sister. Family pictures always incomplete your family always incomplete.

I would never wish this on anyone. I just wish people would realize that grief is different for everyone and different in every situation. Death is inevitable but it is not suppose to be the children that go first. More people need think before you speak. I would never say to anyone are you over it. Even before this. I hope I never hear it myself, because I really don't know how I would handle it. Hopefully I will be prepared with some words of wisdom for that person, even if it means ruining a friendship.

Who would you be

I remember when Jackson was born I always thought about when he got older. Would he be tall or short for his age. Would he still have his read hair? Soon it will come up to the time when you would be turning 18 months old. The moment when you are officially a toddler. I think about what you would be like at 18 months old. This is what I imagine you would be....

I see you in overalls in the back yard with your red hair. I see you following around your daddy in your rubber boot staring at the lake that produces in the backyard everytime it rains. I see you and the dogs standing ankle deep in the mud and smiling when I tell you to get out. I see toys thrown around the house, (and me following you around trying to teach you to put them away so the dogs don't eat them). I see you staring out the window and pointing at the cars as they go by, and yelling "big truck" when the trucks drop off milk and bread at the store. I see you playing dress up with your girl cousins and fighting with your boy ones. The one thing I am missing out the most is cuddling you when your sick because that is the only time it will happen now. I am missing out on the kisses and hugs. I am missing out on watching you grow up. It breaks my heart because I wanted so badly to watch that happen and now I don't.

I know I am not the only one that is missing out. Sometimes I forget that your daddy is missing out too. If it doesn't break my heart on what I am missing out on, it hurts even more seeing what he is also missing out on. Trips to Canadian Tire, watching the Canadians get to the finals and you and daddy razzing mommy because her Leafs never do. Going out for breakfast so mommy can sleep in on the weekends. I would do anything to take that pain away.

The one thing I might miss the most is your laugh, I never got to hear it before you left us. That is one thing I wish I could have heard. I love you son.

Bittersweet life

When the worst possible thing happens you, you would think that is it....right? I wish I could say that but I would be wrong. Yes the worst thing ever has happened to me, and yes the other bad things that happen to me are not the worst but they still suck. Everytime I feel like I am finally catching my breath the wind is knocked out of me again. I don't want to sit here and make everyone feel bad for me, that is not the purpose of my blog. The purpose is to get out everything I am feeling to get it out of my system so I can move on and feel better. I haven't been able to do that recently because I feared hurting two people that are very close to me, and I hope those two people read this and know that I love them very much, and as much as I would love life to stand still it goes on, as we all know first comes love, then comes marriage then goes someone pushing a baby carriage.

As everyone knows Tim and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 10 months now. I wish that I could say I was one of those people who could just let it go and let life happen and but it am I always thinking about it. Trying to stay positive and hopeful even when things don't turn out the way we wanted them. Recently I have been faced with another obstacle that I knew would eventually come but just not as soon as I thought. In Febrary of this year I found out my best friend was pregnant. When she told me I knew she was scared, she wasn't planning on getting pregnant and it happened. I being the best friend tried to reasure her, told her everything was going to be ok. Her and her husband had an army of people to support them. As much as I was happy for her, my heart was breaking for me. I know that is awful to say and maybe that is wrong but it is the truth. A few days later I found out I was also pregnant which, I was excited that we were going to have children only a few months apart. Just like us. Maybe they would grow up and be best friends too. As soon as I made plans for them, they were dashed away.

A month later I was feeling ok...with everything that happened. I felt like I was breathing again. Then I found out my sister was pregnant and due the same time I was suppose to be due. The universe just gave me another punch in the stomach. Again me sitting there happy for my sister but again my heart breaking. I keep thinking why does this keep happening. Why can't I just be the excited best friend and sister. I try so hard to be there for them but sometimes I just don't have it in me to give that. Now I have started preparing myself for someone to say those 2 words "I'm pregnant". I even have a signal with Tim to tell him to get me out of here before I have a meltdown. This isn't fair, I just want to be happy for others, without strings attached. I wish I could say this is the last time it will happen, but I know its not. Life isn't fair, but I guess I just have to prepare for it.

Why I hate Walmart!

Most people would love Walmart especially the super Walmart that has groceries, pharmacy,clothes...etc. I on the other hand do not like it. The place is a zoo no matter what day you go there and at any time. Whenever I need the pharmacy the drugs that I need are always locked up so I have to go somewhere else. Did I mention it is a zoo in there and sometimes I aimlessly go up and down the eisle looking for things because I am not quite sure what area they will be in.

One more reason I hate Walmart is because of the families. They are all there buying all the things that families need, diapers, food for a family of 4,toys that really the children don't need but you got suckered into buying anyways. I recently went to pick up a few things before I had to pick up my dogs and everyone and their baby was there. Literally. I saw one family who the mother and father looked to be about 23 and they already had 4 children. Single mothers screaming at their kids and babies, everyone had babies. Tiny babies only a few weeks old.

I think the last time I went there will be the nail in the head for me. I think I need to do my shopping at a new location. Probably Zellars where all the old people hang out....without their babies.

February 28th, the day you left us and my heart was broken

February 28th. I can remember it like it was yesterday. We got into Kingston the night before. By the time you were admited and hooked up to a feeding tube and had some tests done it was midnight. They luckily let daddy stay because it was so late. Tim and I took turns on the cot but neither one of us slept because of worry. Early the next morning the doctors came to see you again. The morning was hopeful they said you had RSV and had gotten brocillitis because of it. They said we were going to have to stay for a week. Grandma Sue said she was going to come up later that week to keep me company and to visit you. If I had known that something was wrong I would have told her to come that moment.

Grandma and Grandpa G and Aunt T came up to visit you for the day. As the day wore on Daddy and I didn't leave your side. Even when we went to eat lunch we shovelled the food in so fast just so we could get back. Things started to change drastically. Your colouring changed and you were getting a fever. They wanted to admit you to the pediatric ICU. Grandma G called Grandma Sue because I wanted her there. I knew something was wrong. I was holding you when Grandma G said he doesn't look like he's breathing. The nurse took you from me. I screamed for you to breath to wake up. They told me I had to go. I wanted to stay. We went to the waiting room. We cried and prayed they would get you breathing. The minutes felt like hours. Finally the doctor came and told us you were breathing but it didn't look good. They gave you two different kinds of drugs for your heart but they didn't work. Me and Daddy finally got to see you. You kept looking at us with your big blue eyes. Your heart rate improved and I thought you were going to pull through. They thought you were stable enought to go to ICU but on the way you stopped breathing again. By the time we saw you in ICU the doctor told us that there really was no hope. I wanted to hit him and tell him to F off.

Finally they placed you in my arms. I rocked you as your heart stopped breathing. Daddy held you when you came into the world and I held you when you left it. They let us all hold you. When Grandma Sue, Grandpa Charlie, Aunt Lisa and Uncle A showed up they held you too. I had never seen my dad breakdown like that. I told Aunt Lisa that you had died. I was so worried she was going to go into labour. Finally we took your footrints and handprints and a piece of your red hair. We said goodbye.

You are loved and missed by so many people. You touched the lives of so many people. Jackson you are and always will be the best part of our world. We miss you so much and always will. You took a piece of our hearts when you left this day. I hope you get our messages we send to you. Love you my son.

Family Day

In Canada we get this wonderful holiday called Family Day. Most people spend it enjoying time with your families. Last year I remember Jackson was sick. I had just taken him to the Doctor the first time because he wasn't gaining any weight and he was sounding congested. I remember my mom and pregnant sister came down because it was one of the last times she was suppose to travel before she had her baby. I was worried about Jackson and wanted to get his urine sample to the doctors before it closed instead of waiting for Monday. Tim left work early so we could get him there in time. I remember waiting for his antibiotics at the Walmart. Everyone kept coming up to see him and talk about his red hair and his smile. For being a sick little guy he was still cheerful.

I remember never being worried that the next weekend I would be taking him to the hospital, that next weekend we would be rushed to Kingston, that next weekend he would die. This was the last weekend with him that I wasn't scared, that I completely thought that the antibiotics would make him better and that he would be fine. I just want to go back to that time and just hold him, kiss him, and believe that everything was going to be ok.

A week of change

Last week you could have told me the sky was falling and I wouldn't have cared. I was over the moon. WE DID IT! I was pregnant and I took 4 tests to prove it. I couldn't believe that we had finally did it. Pregnant, the plus sign, the yes, it was right in front of us. I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them we had did it. I was pregnant. The bittersweet part was that this baby would be due at the same time as Jackson was born. All of the milestones I hit would be the same as Jackson. We even found out we were pregnant at the same time. I didn't care because we had did it, we were pregnant, but my hopes and dreams were dashed just as quickly as they came.

11:00 am on Monday everything changed. There was blood and lots of it. I had no cramping to know that it was happening but I knew that much blood was not normal. I don't remember the drive to pick up Tim. I don't remember the drive to the hospital. What I do remember was screaming at God asking him how he could do this to us again. At the hospital they can't tell you for sure whether or not your having a miscarriage, at least not until all the blood work comes back. I knew though. I wasn't pregnant anymore and I was having a miscarriage, and 14 days before I had to relive losing my son. Where is the fairness in that? Nothing makes you feel better, even the doctors with their statistics (25 - 30% of all pregnancies end in misscarriage). This all doesn't change the fact that it was happening. I wish my week of saddness stopped there but we were also finding out what Jackson's autopsy report said.

I had no expectations going in to the doctor other then (please don't make it genetic). Unfortunately the full report was not ready but the preliminary was. Our doctor read back the report, and would stop and go over what different things meant. Those 24 hours came flooding back to me like it happened yesterday. Every moment detailed and typed forever the reminder of the hours we went through wondering what was wrong with Jackson. The first time he went into arrest, the second time he arrested and the last moments when he died in my arms. The last sentence stating they think there was a problem with his coronary artery.

This meant he had it from birth, but no one picked it up. Unless someone in either of our families had heart problems they wouldn't have tested for it. A ticking time bomb waiting to go off at any moment. The bladder infection, combined with the rsv was to overwhelming to him and his heart just gave out. We hope the final report will tell us if it is for sure genetic or just a fluke. Either way the doctor reasured us that now they will do a more intensive screening on future babies. She also said that doesn't mean that any of our other children will have that problem. That doesn't bring back Jackson. Knowing doesn't make me feel any better or any worse I am just numb. Now my anxiety of having babies is over the top. Will I have another miscarriage? Will my other children have heart problems? I want to be that naive mom that doesn't think anything will happen and that all babies are born healthy. I don't get to be that mom....I can't get that back.

Over sensitive or just the aftermath of losing a baby

Yesterday it was the great snow storm of 2011. I was one of the lucky ones that didn't have to risk their lives to get to work and got to stay home in my nice cozy house and veg out on the couch all day. Something that rarely happens, I caught up on Ellen and watched regular tv. I think at one point I had seen the Syndney Crosby Tim Horton's commercial 5 times within an hour (and that was without channel surfing). Then a McDonald's commercial came on and I noticed it was a new one. The just of the commerical was it would show a clip of someone in the present either a couple, or a football team ordering Mcdonald's then it would flashback to when they were kids or teens and ordering McDonald's. There was flashback and it had a couple sitting with their two children enjoying a meal together and then it flashbacked to when the women was pregnant. I just teared up and started crying. A McDonald's commercial made me cry and that wasn't the first one that has done it. During Christmas Disney had commercials of families surprising their children with a trip to Disney world. No matter how many times I saw the commercial and even if they were back to back I would burst into tears.

I even cry when I see a father and son together or baby being born on tv. Sometimes I can't control it and the tears just flow. I know that a lot has to do with me never being able to have those moments with Jackson and I especially get upset for father /son moments because Tim won't get those either. Sometimes even things not related to children make me cry. Is it because I lost Jackson I am this way or because I am mom.

Letting other people know

I have mentioned before that I have started a new job and with that I have decided to let other people in. I have told my boss and my coworker about Jackson. Not to much information just that I have a son but he has died. I guess I wasn't sure what kind of reception I would get and I know that it catches others off guard. I guess I wouldn't know what to say when someone would tell me the same before.

The end is getting near, its now February and unfortunately its the shortest month of the year. Not that it will change anything when I get to the 28th, it won't bring Jackson back and I will probably just relive that day with Tim and wonder where things went wrong. How I miss him. What I would give for just one more day to hold him in my arms and feel like everything would be ok. This is what I really want to tell people.

Hard to believe

When I look at pictures of Jackson it's hard to believe they are real. I can't believe that one time in my life I had a living breathing baby boy, who smiled and talked. Soon it will almost be a year since I fed, rocked, dressed and felt and smelled his skin. Where has this agonizing time gone by? Why has it gone so quickly?

I remember never feeling scared about having Jackson. Never scared of the pain I might endure. Never once thinking of a time without him not being here. Sometimes its hard to beleive he was really here. The only remenents are a room filled with baby stuff and pictures on the wall. They are the only things left to remind me of a time where life was simple and my son was still alive. Why was I the mother to take on this pain and loss?

I still have days where I feel the unfairness of it all. Where I hug and love children who are not mine because their own mothers won't or can't. I wish I could take these children home and show them what a real mother should do for them and what I would have done for my Jackson if he were still here. The clock keeps ticking and I keep watching as the days go by only to get closer to February 28th when I lost Jackson forever.

As soon as I find a date I can get into the doctor I will find out what took our little boy. I hope I am prepared for whatever the doctor might tell us. I know that nothing will be bring him back but I hope that I am able to handle whatever the doctor might tell us.

I year ago today I had Jackson in my arms and I would have never thought then that I wouldn't have him now. Life seemed full of possiblilities then but now I don't know anymore. I still can't believe how fast time has flown by.