Why I hate Walmart!

Most people would love Walmart especially the super Walmart that has groceries, pharmacy,clothes...etc. I on the other hand do not like it. The place is a zoo no matter what day you go there and at any time. Whenever I need the pharmacy the drugs that I need are always locked up so I have to go somewhere else. Did I mention it is a zoo in there and sometimes I aimlessly go up and down the eisle looking for things because I am not quite sure what area they will be in.

One more reason I hate Walmart is because of the families. They are all there buying all the things that families need, diapers, food for a family of 4,toys that really the children don't need but you got suckered into buying anyways. I recently went to pick up a few things before I had to pick up my dogs and everyone and their baby was there. Literally. I saw one family who the mother and father looked to be about 23 and they already had 4 children. Single mothers screaming at their kids and babies, everyone had babies. Tiny babies only a few weeks old.

I think the last time I went there will be the nail in the head for me. I think I need to do my shopping at a new location. Probably Zellars where all the old people hang out....without their babies.

February 28th, the day you left us and my heart was broken

February 28th. I can remember it like it was yesterday. We got into Kingston the night before. By the time you were admited and hooked up to a feeding tube and had some tests done it was midnight. They luckily let daddy stay because it was so late. Tim and I took turns on the cot but neither one of us slept because of worry. Early the next morning the doctors came to see you again. The morning was hopeful they said you had RSV and had gotten brocillitis because of it. They said we were going to have to stay for a week. Grandma Sue said she was going to come up later that week to keep me company and to visit you. If I had known that something was wrong I would have told her to come that moment.

Grandma and Grandpa G and Aunt T came up to visit you for the day. As the day wore on Daddy and I didn't leave your side. Even when we went to eat lunch we shovelled the food in so fast just so we could get back. Things started to change drastically. Your colouring changed and you were getting a fever. They wanted to admit you to the pediatric ICU. Grandma G called Grandma Sue because I wanted her there. I knew something was wrong. I was holding you when Grandma G said he doesn't look like he's breathing. The nurse took you from me. I screamed for you to breath to wake up. They told me I had to go. I wanted to stay. We went to the waiting room. We cried and prayed they would get you breathing. The minutes felt like hours. Finally the doctor came and told us you were breathing but it didn't look good. They gave you two different kinds of drugs for your heart but they didn't work. Me and Daddy finally got to see you. You kept looking at us with your big blue eyes. Your heart rate improved and I thought you were going to pull through. They thought you were stable enought to go to ICU but on the way you stopped breathing again. By the time we saw you in ICU the doctor told us that there really was no hope. I wanted to hit him and tell him to F off.

Finally they placed you in my arms. I rocked you as your heart stopped breathing. Daddy held you when you came into the world and I held you when you left it. They let us all hold you. When Grandma Sue, Grandpa Charlie, Aunt Lisa and Uncle A showed up they held you too. I had never seen my dad breakdown like that. I told Aunt Lisa that you had died. I was so worried she was going to go into labour. Finally we took your footrints and handprints and a piece of your red hair. We said goodbye.

You are loved and missed by so many people. You touched the lives of so many people. Jackson you are and always will be the best part of our world. We miss you so much and always will. You took a piece of our hearts when you left this day. I hope you get our messages we send to you. Love you my son.

Family Day

In Canada we get this wonderful holiday called Family Day. Most people spend it enjoying time with your families. Last year I remember Jackson was sick. I had just taken him to the Doctor the first time because he wasn't gaining any weight and he was sounding congested. I remember my mom and pregnant sister came down because it was one of the last times she was suppose to travel before she had her baby. I was worried about Jackson and wanted to get his urine sample to the doctors before it closed instead of waiting for Monday. Tim left work early so we could get him there in time. I remember waiting for his antibiotics at the Walmart. Everyone kept coming up to see him and talk about his red hair and his smile. For being a sick little guy he was still cheerful.

I remember never being worried that the next weekend I would be taking him to the hospital, that next weekend we would be rushed to Kingston, that next weekend he would die. This was the last weekend with him that I wasn't scared, that I completely thought that the antibiotics would make him better and that he would be fine. I just want to go back to that time and just hold him, kiss him, and believe that everything was going to be ok.

A week of change

Last week you could have told me the sky was falling and I wouldn't have cared. I was over the moon. WE DID IT! I was pregnant and I took 4 tests to prove it. I couldn't believe that we had finally did it. Pregnant, the plus sign, the yes, it was right in front of us. I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them we had did it. I was pregnant. The bittersweet part was that this baby would be due at the same time as Jackson was born. All of the milestones I hit would be the same as Jackson. We even found out we were pregnant at the same time. I didn't care because we had did it, we were pregnant, but my hopes and dreams were dashed just as quickly as they came.

11:00 am on Monday everything changed. There was blood and lots of it. I had no cramping to know that it was happening but I knew that much blood was not normal. I don't remember the drive to pick up Tim. I don't remember the drive to the hospital. What I do remember was screaming at God asking him how he could do this to us again. At the hospital they can't tell you for sure whether or not your having a miscarriage, at least not until all the blood work comes back. I knew though. I wasn't pregnant anymore and I was having a miscarriage, and 14 days before I had to relive losing my son. Where is the fairness in that? Nothing makes you feel better, even the doctors with their statistics (25 - 30% of all pregnancies end in misscarriage). This all doesn't change the fact that it was happening. I wish my week of saddness stopped there but we were also finding out what Jackson's autopsy report said.

I had no expectations going in to the doctor other then (please don't make it genetic). Unfortunately the full report was not ready but the preliminary was. Our doctor read back the report, and would stop and go over what different things meant. Those 24 hours came flooding back to me like it happened yesterday. Every moment detailed and typed forever the reminder of the hours we went through wondering what was wrong with Jackson. The first time he went into arrest, the second time he arrested and the last moments when he died in my arms. The last sentence stating they think there was a problem with his coronary artery.

This meant he had it from birth, but no one picked it up. Unless someone in either of our families had heart problems they wouldn't have tested for it. A ticking time bomb waiting to go off at any moment. The bladder infection, combined with the rsv was to overwhelming to him and his heart just gave out. We hope the final report will tell us if it is for sure genetic or just a fluke. Either way the doctor reasured us that now they will do a more intensive screening on future babies. She also said that doesn't mean that any of our other children will have that problem. That doesn't bring back Jackson. Knowing doesn't make me feel any better or any worse I am just numb. Now my anxiety of having babies is over the top. Will I have another miscarriage? Will my other children have heart problems? I want to be that naive mom that doesn't think anything will happen and that all babies are born healthy. I don't get to be that mom....I can't get that back.

Over sensitive or just the aftermath of losing a baby

Yesterday it was the great snow storm of 2011. I was one of the lucky ones that didn't have to risk their lives to get to work and got to stay home in my nice cozy house and veg out on the couch all day. Something that rarely happens, I caught up on Ellen and watched regular tv. I think at one point I had seen the Syndney Crosby Tim Horton's commercial 5 times within an hour (and that was without channel surfing). Then a McDonald's commercial came on and I noticed it was a new one. The just of the commerical was it would show a clip of someone in the present either a couple, or a football team ordering Mcdonald's then it would flashback to when they were kids or teens and ordering McDonald's. There was flashback and it had a couple sitting with their two children enjoying a meal together and then it flashbacked to when the women was pregnant. I just teared up and started crying. A McDonald's commercial made me cry and that wasn't the first one that has done it. During Christmas Disney had commercials of families surprising their children with a trip to Disney world. No matter how many times I saw the commercial and even if they were back to back I would burst into tears.

I even cry when I see a father and son together or baby being born on tv. Sometimes I can't control it and the tears just flow. I know that a lot has to do with me never being able to have those moments with Jackson and I especially get upset for father /son moments because Tim won't get those either. Sometimes even things not related to children make me cry. Is it because I lost Jackson I am this way or because I am mom.

Letting other people know

I have mentioned before that I have started a new job and with that I have decided to let other people in. I have told my boss and my coworker about Jackson. Not to much information just that I have a son but he has died. I guess I wasn't sure what kind of reception I would get and I know that it catches others off guard. I guess I wouldn't know what to say when someone would tell me the same before.

The end is getting near, its now February and unfortunately its the shortest month of the year. Not that it will change anything when I get to the 28th, it won't bring Jackson back and I will probably just relive that day with Tim and wonder where things went wrong. How I miss him. What I would give for just one more day to hold him in my arms and feel like everything would be ok. This is what I really want to tell people.

Hard to believe

When I look at pictures of Jackson it's hard to believe they are real. I can't believe that one time in my life I had a living breathing baby boy, who smiled and talked. Soon it will almost be a year since I fed, rocked, dressed and felt and smelled his skin. Where has this agonizing time gone by? Why has it gone so quickly?

I remember never feeling scared about having Jackson. Never scared of the pain I might endure. Never once thinking of a time without him not being here. Sometimes its hard to beleive he was really here. The only remenents are a room filled with baby stuff and pictures on the wall. They are the only things left to remind me of a time where life was simple and my son was still alive. Why was I the mother to take on this pain and loss?

I still have days where I feel the unfairness of it all. Where I hug and love children who are not mine because their own mothers won't or can't. I wish I could take these children home and show them what a real mother should do for them and what I would have done for my Jackson if he were still here. The clock keeps ticking and I keep watching as the days go by only to get closer to February 28th when I lost Jackson forever.

As soon as I find a date I can get into the doctor I will find out what took our little boy. I hope I am prepared for whatever the doctor might tell us. I know that nothing will be bring him back but I hope that I am able to handle whatever the doctor might tell us.

I year ago today I had Jackson in my arms and I would have never thought then that I wouldn't have him now. Life seemed full of possiblilities then but now I don't know anymore. I still can't believe how fast time has flown by.

Weepy

I haven't been this emotional in awhile. I feel like the tears are always there lately, just waiting for something to get me crying. I cried on the way to work because a song came on the radio, I cried all the way home. I cried when I got home. As soon as I think about Jackson or say his name it just floods through me. I know that the first anniversery is coming soon so I don't know if that is what is bringing all these emotions to the surface. I obviously have good days and bad but lately it has been more. Is this normal? Is this how I am going to be until February?

New Job. New hurdles

I have just recently started a new job, with that comes new co workers. These ladies I work with have no idea about Jackson....and I know it will come out eventually. I know people say you will know when the time is right, but I am afraid that before then I might burst into tears. When people talk about their children or their lives I want to share. I have held back a lot and sometimes I feel like such a fraud. I have living this big lie that no one will really understand, or will they. Sometimes people will surprise you and share a story of a baby loss in their lives. I don't want their sympathy I just want them to know. I want to be able to talk about Jackson and share with them his short but important life. He was important to me and always will be and I just want others to know that.

2010 you can suck it!

For me last night when the clock struck 12 I wasn't sad to see another year pass. I was excited to see what the future brought. I feel like it can't be any worse then last year.

2010 I started off thinking it was going to be a great year. I had a son, who was wonderful and special. A boyfriend who was a great father and provider for both of us. A sister who was about to have a son too, only 4 months younger then Jackson. The Olympics I was so looking forward to sharing with Jackson.(I know he was only 4 months but it was something special I wanted to share with him). Tim and I were also trying to plan when we would start trying again. I always wanted my children to be close in age like my sister and I. 17 months isn't that close ha ha.

2010 did not go as planned. February 28th I lost my son and still don't know what caused him to die. 2011 I want to find out what took my son and learn from it to become a better and more informed parent. A week after Jackson died, my nephew was born. Only 7 days between a life taken and a life given. I watch him and wonder what may have been. I am not going to lie I pushed myself to hold him and love him. Which I can say is not hard because he is such a wonderful little boy himself. My sister even greater because always understanding of how far I could go.

2010 also made and honest woman out of me, with a proposal from Tim. He made it very memorable and magical. I think that is where my new love for the outdoors has come from. This year has taught me a lot about love and friendship. People who I thought would be there for me that weren't and those who came from my past that lended me their hand. Family members I have grown closer with and have shown me true support.

2011 I know will be a better year. Filled with joy and hope. A new job that which is only a maternity leave but once I impress them with my childcare skills they will only have to keep me and find a permenant job. I will be a stronger and better person for getting through this year and I know I have one more anniversery to get through but I have all the love and support to get through it. So to 2010 I want to tell you it has been nice knowing you but 2011 will be a better year then you.

To all those who have helped us through this year, especially the BLM's that I have met through my blog. Thank you for holding us up when we needed it, for providing a box of tissues when the tears didn't seem to stop flowing. For your kind words, and hugs. You have been a our silent cheering section when we needed you the most. To all those family have been through operations and sickness, we are here for you and love you. 2011 will be a better year for all. For those mom's who find this blog because you have lost your child, hold on, it will be hard, you will never forget, people will say some crazy things but I am here for you even if you don't know me yet. My hand is open whenever you need someone to hold it. Love and take care of eachother. Jackson's mommy.