Weepy

I haven't been this emotional in awhile. I feel like the tears are always there lately, just waiting for something to get me crying. I cried on the way to work because a song came on the radio, I cried all the way home. I cried when I got home. As soon as I think about Jackson or say his name it just floods through me. I know that the first anniversery is coming soon so I don't know if that is what is bringing all these emotions to the surface. I obviously have good days and bad but lately it has been more. Is this normal? Is this how I am going to be until February?

New Job. New hurdles

I have just recently started a new job, with that comes new co workers. These ladies I work with have no idea about Jackson....and I know it will come out eventually. I know people say you will know when the time is right, but I am afraid that before then I might burst into tears. When people talk about their children or their lives I want to share. I have held back a lot and sometimes I feel like such a fraud. I have living this big lie that no one will really understand, or will they. Sometimes people will surprise you and share a story of a baby loss in their lives. I don't want their sympathy I just want them to know. I want to be able to talk about Jackson and share with them his short but important life. He was important to me and always will be and I just want others to know that.

2010 you can suck it!

For me last night when the clock struck 12 I wasn't sad to see another year pass. I was excited to see what the future brought. I feel like it can't be any worse then last year.

2010 I started off thinking it was going to be a great year. I had a son, who was wonderful and special. A boyfriend who was a great father and provider for both of us. A sister who was about to have a son too, only 4 months younger then Jackson. The Olympics I was so looking forward to sharing with Jackson.(I know he was only 4 months but it was something special I wanted to share with him). Tim and I were also trying to plan when we would start trying again. I always wanted my children to be close in age like my sister and I. 17 months isn't that close ha ha.

2010 did not go as planned. February 28th I lost my son and still don't know what caused him to die. 2011 I want to find out what took my son and learn from it to become a better and more informed parent. A week after Jackson died, my nephew was born. Only 7 days between a life taken and a life given. I watch him and wonder what may have been. I am not going to lie I pushed myself to hold him and love him. Which I can say is not hard because he is such a wonderful little boy himself. My sister even greater because always understanding of how far I could go.

2010 also made and honest woman out of me, with a proposal from Tim. He made it very memorable and magical. I think that is where my new love for the outdoors has come from. This year has taught me a lot about love and friendship. People who I thought would be there for me that weren't and those who came from my past that lended me their hand. Family members I have grown closer with and have shown me true support.

2011 I know will be a better year. Filled with joy and hope. A new job that which is only a maternity leave but once I impress them with my childcare skills they will only have to keep me and find a permenant job. I will be a stronger and better person for getting through this year and I know I have one more anniversery to get through but I have all the love and support to get through it. So to 2010 I want to tell you it has been nice knowing you but 2011 will be a better year then you.

To all those who have helped us through this year, especially the BLM's that I have met through my blog. Thank you for holding us up when we needed it, for providing a box of tissues when the tears didn't seem to stop flowing. For your kind words, and hugs. You have been a our silent cheering section when we needed you the most. To all those family have been through operations and sickness, we are here for you and love you. 2011 will be a better year for all. For those mom's who find this blog because you have lost your child, hold on, it will be hard, you will never forget, people will say some crazy things but I am here for you even if you don't know me yet. My hand is open whenever you need someone to hold it. Love and take care of eachother. Jackson's mommy.

No stocking's hung by the chimney with care

Last year I was up with Jackson, opening presents and showing him what he got from Sanata. He was only a month and half old but I was so excited to have my own little boy for Christmas I didn't care if he would remember. I never thought I would be without him this Christmas.

He had got some really cute pj's that said "What ever santa doesn't bring me, grandma will". I had washed them and put them away for this Christmas. Somehow they never made it into his clothes buckets. When I went into his room there they were, I couldn't believe that he would have been that big.

I miss him so much and especially this time of year. I keep hoping that 2011 will be a better year. I know that it will never be the same without him. I know we still have to get through the day he died but it would be nice if I could sleep through the holidays and wake up the day after.

So to all the baby loss parents, I hope that your Christmas is ok and that the new year is a little brighter. That you are able to relax and watch your future children grow and that the people around you will still recognize and say the name of the children that are no longer with us.
Merry Christmas to everyone, I hope you all find peace and hope in the new year.

Reading

I love books. I think they are the best present to give, and the best present to get. For Christmas I give books to the kids I know. Why do they need another toy. Toys don't ignite the imagination, they don't encourage children want to learn. Even for Christmas I gave Jackson books.

The one thing I wish I had more of when Jackson was alive was children's books. Tim would read to my belly when I was pregnant, but at the time I only had a few. Even when Jackson was born, we read to him at night before we would put him to bed. We only had a few so we would rotate through the 10 or so that we had. After he died I put me energy into aquiring more books.

Scholastic orders have been my curse. They have such great deals on books, 6 great books for $20. So Tim and I have been trying to get through our new library, which I didn't think was that big....I was wrong. We have probably close to 150 books and counting. I have not bought all these books but some of them are our childhood books that are parents have given us. I am in love with my library and can't wait to share it with our children. So when you think about what to get a child...get a book, they don't go out of style, they won't get to old and not want to play with it and they can pass them along to their children.

Minus One

Has anyone seen the Disney commericials recently. The ones where families tell their children they are going to Disney world. They get excited and scream and jump up and down. I can't help but cry every single time I see it, it doesn't even matter if I just watched 2 back to back. Even if I hear it I cry. Whenever I see it I think I want to do that. I want to see my children have the same reaction. Whenever I do I keep realizing that one will be missing. My first born, not there. I could feel sorry for myself but sadly I know that I am not the only parent who feels this way.Family pictures or vacations are always going to be minus one. No one understands us, even if they could imagine the worst thing ever to happen in their lives. Their pain could never compare.

So even in my scrooge state, I still hope for all the peace and happiness for parents who have lost their children. I am so honoured to meet these families, be a part of their lives and read their stories of hope and love. Many of the BLM's that I have met have helped me through these last couple of months. So please enjoy the season as best you can. Peace be with you.

My trip to Dr. OBGYN

Finally my appointment arrived. I have only been waiting for 6 months or so. I was really nervous and wanted Tim to be there but I had already made him skip work to come meet our new family doctor. I also thought I need to start doing some things on my own.

I had to meet with the nurse to go over the reasons I was there and of course we she had to ask me questions about Jackson. I tried to hold it together but I just burst into tears. The poor nurse felt bad but I knew why she had to ask the questions, before she left she said, "don't worry the doctor will be in soon to make you feel better".

The doctor came in and started asking about Jackson again, how he was delivered and how my pregnancy was. Then how my periods were and how often we were having sex. ( On a side note I have talked more about our sex life in the last couple of months then I really thought I ever would). He checked me out and said everything sounded good and looked good. When he was done he told me about my two options. The first was to wait 3 months,and let my periods become shorter like there were before (Which will be helped by my reflexologist). I also need to start exercising and eating better. The other was more aggressive, which involved him going in and scoping my uterus, and taking drugs, etc. I decided that I was going to go with option 1. He agreed that it would be the best, but if I changed my mind to call him and we can do it.

After all of my appointments, I finally got the wake up call I needed. I know that since Jackson has died, I don't exercise as much as I should, or eat healthy at all. So as much as I don't want to admit it I need to take better care of myself, which is what I have been doing. I have filled my fridge with things that you are suppose to be eaten. Were not dieting were just going to follow the Canadian food Guide, and start walking more and spending more time together.

I feel good about the decisions we have made. I am not going to focus to much on getting pregnant and more on being healthy and taking care myself and Tim.

Bahumbug!

Christmas is...well was my favourite time of year. As soon as it is mid November I am pulling out my tree and all the decorations. Last year I remember putting the lights on the tree and Jackson was in the swing. Our Christmas pictures were taken, Tim even dressed up as Santa. Those are some of my favourite pictures.

Jackson was spoiled last Christmas. I know he was only just about 2 months old and wouldn't remember but he was our first child. Most of the stuff we bought he never got to use and never will. This year I was looking forward to having a one year old who was more interested in the wrapping and boxes instead of the presents.

I have decided to start going to the Mommy meetings again. Hopefully being around other mom's who have dealt with this themselves. So this year there are no stockings, or tree. Next year I will be more in the spirit, but this year I am going to be sgrooge.

Bad Things happen in 3's

Yesterday I woke up and I just had a feeling that today was not going to be a great day.

Our basement flooded. Which has happened a couple of times but I thought we finally got it under control. This time it was really bad because normally it contains itself to just the laundry room but this time it was everywhere. I was so mad I wanted to cry. I cried all the way to the rental place to pick up a fan to dry it out. I think I tempted the universe when I yelled that they needed to cut us a break. They had other plans for me that day.

While I was getting the fan my new job called and said they needed me right away because someone had called in sick. I also had a feeling that would happen which is why I had a shower and was ready to go already. When I got to work it was crazy. Which was handled easily. While playing with the children I realized that I had got my period. 4 days early. I couldn't believe it. First of all I got it but 4 days early! I thought ok that is 3 bad things....I was wrong.

Tim being great met me for lunch. As I was coming out I noticed that my tire was flat. All I could say was you have got to be F-ing kidding me. Luckily Tim who was home dealing with the flood was able to stay with the car and change the tire while I went back to work.

So that is 3 is it over I don't know. Luckily there was so much other stuff going on I didn't really have time to dwell on my period coming. I guess that was a blessing in disguise. Later that night I told Tim someday we will laugh about this day. Even now I think it is sort of crazy that all of that happened in one day.

With all of this happening an amazing fertility reflexologist wrote me to ask me if I wanted to be their guinea pig for a new holistic fertility treatment. Of course I said yes and now I just have to wait and hear back from her about it. I also finally found a new doctor, who I am going to meet next week. Then in two weeks I go and meet with the OB that delivered Jackson. I am going to start and get some answers that I have been looking for.

Happy Birthday Jackson

I wish I could say that I remember all the magical things that led up to your arrival but sadly I only have the notes that Grandma has. After the cervadil didn't work the broke my water and put me on the drip. I never realized how much pain I would be in.

I remember you giving us a scared when they couldn't find your heartbeat. I had 6 nurses within 10 seconds at my bedside. They found it and brought in the doctor just to make sure everything was ok. I got them to call my midwife because I needed something to ease the pain.

For 8 hours I laboured trying anything but the epidural. Until the doctor decided that I needed to have it for the labour to progress. The epidural didn't work and I never did dialate. The doctor told me that I needed to have a c-section. I can remember being so upset because that was not how I wanted to have you. Later I found out they were worried about your heartrate dropping all the time.

When I finally got to see you I was so happy. You were safe and sound in daddy's arms. He was so proud to be your daddy. I saw how happy he was. I finally got to hold you in the recovery room. I couldn't stop shaking but I stopped long enough to hold you and kiss you. Grandma Sue kept saying that your eyes looked purple. I kept thinking I can't believe your mine.

You changed our lives forever. Today will always be a special day because you came into this world. Happy Birthday love you always and forever Mommy and Daddy