Minus One

Has anyone seen the Disney commericials recently. The ones where families tell their children they are going to Disney world. They get excited and scream and jump up and down. I can't help but cry every single time I see it, it doesn't even matter if I just watched 2 back to back. Even if I hear it I cry. Whenever I see it I think I want to do that. I want to see my children have the same reaction. Whenever I do I keep realizing that one will be missing. My first born, not there. I could feel sorry for myself but sadly I know that I am not the only parent who feels this way.Family pictures or vacations are always going to be minus one. No one understands us, even if they could imagine the worst thing ever to happen in their lives. Their pain could never compare.

So even in my scrooge state, I still hope for all the peace and happiness for parents who have lost their children. I am so honoured to meet these families, be a part of their lives and read their stories of hope and love. Many of the BLM's that I have met have helped me through these last couple of months. So please enjoy the season as best you can. Peace be with you.

My trip to Dr. OBGYN

Finally my appointment arrived. I have only been waiting for 6 months or so. I was really nervous and wanted Tim to be there but I had already made him skip work to come meet our new family doctor. I also thought I need to start doing some things on my own.

I had to meet with the nurse to go over the reasons I was there and of course we she had to ask me questions about Jackson. I tried to hold it together but I just burst into tears. The poor nurse felt bad but I knew why she had to ask the questions, before she left she said, "don't worry the doctor will be in soon to make you feel better".

The doctor came in and started asking about Jackson again, how he was delivered and how my pregnancy was. Then how my periods were and how often we were having sex. ( On a side note I have talked more about our sex life in the last couple of months then I really thought I ever would). He checked me out and said everything sounded good and looked good. When he was done he told me about my two options. The first was to wait 3 months,and let my periods become shorter like there were before (Which will be helped by my reflexologist). I also need to start exercising and eating better. The other was more aggressive, which involved him going in and scoping my uterus, and taking drugs, etc. I decided that I was going to go with option 1. He agreed that it would be the best, but if I changed my mind to call him and we can do it.

After all of my appointments, I finally got the wake up call I needed. I know that since Jackson has died, I don't exercise as much as I should, or eat healthy at all. So as much as I don't want to admit it I need to take better care of myself, which is what I have been doing. I have filled my fridge with things that you are suppose to be eaten. Were not dieting were just going to follow the Canadian food Guide, and start walking more and spending more time together.

I feel good about the decisions we have made. I am not going to focus to much on getting pregnant and more on being healthy and taking care myself and Tim.

Bahumbug!

Christmas is...well was my favourite time of year. As soon as it is mid November I am pulling out my tree and all the decorations. Last year I remember putting the lights on the tree and Jackson was in the swing. Our Christmas pictures were taken, Tim even dressed up as Santa. Those are some of my favourite pictures.

Jackson was spoiled last Christmas. I know he was only just about 2 months old and wouldn't remember but he was our first child. Most of the stuff we bought he never got to use and never will. This year I was looking forward to having a one year old who was more interested in the wrapping and boxes instead of the presents.

I have decided to start going to the Mommy meetings again. Hopefully being around other mom's who have dealt with this themselves. So this year there are no stockings, or tree. Next year I will be more in the spirit, but this year I am going to be sgrooge.

Bad Things happen in 3's

Yesterday I woke up and I just had a feeling that today was not going to be a great day.

Our basement flooded. Which has happened a couple of times but I thought we finally got it under control. This time it was really bad because normally it contains itself to just the laundry room but this time it was everywhere. I was so mad I wanted to cry. I cried all the way to the rental place to pick up a fan to dry it out. I think I tempted the universe when I yelled that they needed to cut us a break. They had other plans for me that day.

While I was getting the fan my new job called and said they needed me right away because someone had called in sick. I also had a feeling that would happen which is why I had a shower and was ready to go already. When I got to work it was crazy. Which was handled easily. While playing with the children I realized that I had got my period. 4 days early. I couldn't believe it. First of all I got it but 4 days early! I thought ok that is 3 bad things....I was wrong.

Tim being great met me for lunch. As I was coming out I noticed that my tire was flat. All I could say was you have got to be F-ing kidding me. Luckily Tim who was home dealing with the flood was able to stay with the car and change the tire while I went back to work.

So that is 3 is it over I don't know. Luckily there was so much other stuff going on I didn't really have time to dwell on my period coming. I guess that was a blessing in disguise. Later that night I told Tim someday we will laugh about this day. Even now I think it is sort of crazy that all of that happened in one day.

With all of this happening an amazing fertility reflexologist wrote me to ask me if I wanted to be their guinea pig for a new holistic fertility treatment. Of course I said yes and now I just have to wait and hear back from her about it. I also finally found a new doctor, who I am going to meet next week. Then in two weeks I go and meet with the OB that delivered Jackson. I am going to start and get some answers that I have been looking for.

Happy Birthday Jackson

I wish I could say that I remember all the magical things that led up to your arrival but sadly I only have the notes that Grandma has. After the cervadil didn't work the broke my water and put me on the drip. I never realized how much pain I would be in.

I remember you giving us a scared when they couldn't find your heartbeat. I had 6 nurses within 10 seconds at my bedside. They found it and brought in the doctor just to make sure everything was ok. I got them to call my midwife because I needed something to ease the pain.

For 8 hours I laboured trying anything but the epidural. Until the doctor decided that I needed to have it for the labour to progress. The epidural didn't work and I never did dialate. The doctor told me that I needed to have a c-section. I can remember being so upset because that was not how I wanted to have you. Later I found out they were worried about your heartrate dropping all the time.

When I finally got to see you I was so happy. You were safe and sound in daddy's arms. He was so proud to be your daddy. I saw how happy he was. I finally got to hold you in the recovery room. I couldn't stop shaking but I stopped long enough to hold you and kiss you. Grandma Sue kept saying that your eyes looked purple. I kept thinking I can't believe your mine.

You changed our lives forever. Today will always be a special day because you came into this world. Happy Birthday love you always and forever Mommy and Daddy

The last day I was pregnant

A year ago today I got the call that would change the rest of my life. Me being the naive pregnant woman I thought that I would be having a baby that day. (Boy was I wrong). At 7:30 am I jumped out of bed to a nurse asking me," Can you be here in a hour we can fit you in to start inducing you". I have never showered, ate and packed so fast in my life.

When we arrived the doctor told me what he was going to do and then I spent the longest day in the hospital. They gave me some cervadil to help get my cervic's get ready and told me it would be 12 hours before they did the next step. Needless to say I spent the next 24 hours pregnant.

That means tomorrow is the day I have been dreading. The day my beautiful son was brought into this world. Only to stay for 4 months.

Optimistic or just fooling myself

I can honestly say that I have been through a dark period recently. I was a point where I felt like the world didn't understand or even care what I was going through. Work sucked because it was the time I was suppose to go back to work with Jackson. One of the supervisors flipped out because we didn't have a picture of her daughter for her scrapbook. Guess which employee had to bite her tongue. I almost had a "Thank You Card" moment. Then I thought I had lost my 4 day work week which sort of put the nail in the coffin for me. Then I took a week off, I missed work, I missed my co-workers, I missed the kids and they missed me.

Then there is the pregnancy thing. Still workin on it. Friday my period started again. I said a few swear words and cursed the universe for doing this to me. I always use to say that women who said "were taking a break from trying" were just fooling themselves. No one really gives up trying. I know my cycle more then I ever cared to learn. Then Friday happened and I thought now I know why women give up trying. The stress, worry, the anticipation only to have it go to shit. I know now why women give up and they don't fool themselves they do actually give up.

In all this darkness, I had a moment. Last night I was walking with Tim (were walking now so we get out of the house and enjoy the fall air). I thought maybe the universe is doing this just till I get over Jackson's birthday. Maybe I need to get over that hurdle and then good things will come. I really truly thought that good things are coming, but I have to be patient (which is something I am so good at). I hope that I am not fooling myself and that good, great and wonderful things are going to come or maybe after all this I can be optimistic again.

What I would give

October 21st 2009.

Jackson's due date. I remember it because of the anticipation, waiting for our little boy to arrive. Tim stayed home from work that day. Wishful thinking I guess. While I slept in Tim went online and looked up natural ways to induce labour. When I woke up Tim gave me a massage on the pressure points that would induce labour. They didn't work, or any of the other tricks that came up. I had a midwife appointment that day where she also tried to induce labour herself. We also went over the options that I could do if it came down to going to the hospital to be induced. I told her that I wasn't going anymore then a week over. I couldn't wait any longer to meet Jackson. I remember being so excited, scared and happy.I would give anything to go back to that time. To feel him stretching into my rib cage. To have heartburn so bad that even the mildest of foods would bring it on. I would love to get up and pee 4 times in the night, wake up at 3:30am because my side was numb and I couldn't sleep. What I would give to drink castor oil thinking maybe that would help bring on labour. I would do anything to be pregnant, happy and thankful again. Instead, I am not pregnant, happy or thankful. I should be planning a birthday party not a rememberance. I should be buying up Toys R Us not crying everytime I hear happy birthday. In two weeks I have to relive the happiest day of my life without the one person who made it the happiest day of my life.

When is it my time...

After Jackson died I went back to work 22 days after it happened. I wish I could say I was ready but I can honestly say I was fooling myself into thinking that. I didn't have a choice at the time because Tim was laid off from his employer because there was no work. So the only choice I had was to go back or lose our house which I was clearly not ready to leave. Then Tim got a job and I was thinking about taking a leave of absence. Then my dog had to have a 450 dollar operation and then the other one had 250 dollar operation. So I thought well maybe I can just take a week off, but as I sit here my boyfriend has been off all week also because there is no work. I am anticipating that it could be for awhile. So again I get put on the back burner. I just want some time. Some time to not pretend that life is going good, to not pretend that everyday is a struggle. I feel like everytime I need to take a me vacation something always stands in my way, its so unfair and I don't know if anyone realizes how much I need the time. Why can't there be a way to do it without feeling guilty, without worry about bills. I wish that it was possible but right now its looking pretty impossible. So next week I will be painting the smile back on my face and going to work because that is all I can do.

Jelousy

I don't know but lately I have been feeling....well lost. I have even decided to go to a counseller. After talking to her she made me feel a little bit better. Saying that I am actually doing pretty good for a women who is going through as much as I am right now. We talked about my frusturation and saddness over not getting pregnant as quickly as I did the last time. She told me exactly what I could have told myself and that my mind and body are at the same level and that once they are I will probably get pregnant. I just have to be patient. Which is not something in my vocabulary as I have stated before.

It is hard though cause I remember that this time last year I was just about to start my maternity leave. I was big and I couldn't chase after the kids at the daycare anymore. I couldn't sit on the floor and play, I was worried I would break one of the little chairs and the heartburn and peeing all the time was getting pretty frequent. Now I go on to facebook (which is the worst invention ever but it does keep us all connected) everyone is pregnant, newly, almost done and just had their babies. Then jelousy rears its wicked head and I can't help it. I don't want to toot my own horn but I was a good pregnant woman. My mom and I spent way to much money on maternity clothes (how I miss elastic waist pants). I was all belly and nothing else, I was lucky and got to wear sandals for most of my late pregnancy so I never had to bend over and do up my shoes. My favourite part was having a built in table to set my food or drinks on. I loved being pregnant (the only reason I didn't at the end was because I just wanted to see Jackson...see patience not my strong point). I even got belly pictures done, which was amazing. Who wouldn't want to remember a time when you helped create a life, watched your belly grow and then at the end you get the most amazing present in the whole entire world. A little baby that you get to watch grow and amaze you ever step of the way.

Then there is me. I only got 4 months.