The last day I was pregnant

A year ago today I got the call that would change the rest of my life. Me being the naive pregnant woman I thought that I would be having a baby that day. (Boy was I wrong). At 7:30 am I jumped out of bed to a nurse asking me," Can you be here in a hour we can fit you in to start inducing you". I have never showered, ate and packed so fast in my life.

When we arrived the doctor told me what he was going to do and then I spent the longest day in the hospital. They gave me some cervadil to help get my cervic's get ready and told me it would be 12 hours before they did the next step. Needless to say I spent the next 24 hours pregnant.

That means tomorrow is the day I have been dreading. The day my beautiful son was brought into this world. Only to stay for 4 months.

Optimistic or just fooling myself

I can honestly say that I have been through a dark period recently. I was a point where I felt like the world didn't understand or even care what I was going through. Work sucked because it was the time I was suppose to go back to work with Jackson. One of the supervisors flipped out because we didn't have a picture of her daughter for her scrapbook. Guess which employee had to bite her tongue. I almost had a "Thank You Card" moment. Then I thought I had lost my 4 day work week which sort of put the nail in the coffin for me. Then I took a week off, I missed work, I missed my co-workers, I missed the kids and they missed me.

Then there is the pregnancy thing. Still workin on it. Friday my period started again. I said a few swear words and cursed the universe for doing this to me. I always use to say that women who said "were taking a break from trying" were just fooling themselves. No one really gives up trying. I know my cycle more then I ever cared to learn. Then Friday happened and I thought now I know why women give up trying. The stress, worry, the anticipation only to have it go to shit. I know now why women give up and they don't fool themselves they do actually give up.

In all this darkness, I had a moment. Last night I was walking with Tim (were walking now so we get out of the house and enjoy the fall air). I thought maybe the universe is doing this just till I get over Jackson's birthday. Maybe I need to get over that hurdle and then good things will come. I really truly thought that good things are coming, but I have to be patient (which is something I am so good at). I hope that I am not fooling myself and that good, great and wonderful things are going to come or maybe after all this I can be optimistic again.

What I would give

October 21st 2009.

Jackson's due date. I remember it because of the anticipation, waiting for our little boy to arrive. Tim stayed home from work that day. Wishful thinking I guess. While I slept in Tim went online and looked up natural ways to induce labour. When I woke up Tim gave me a massage on the pressure points that would induce labour. They didn't work, or any of the other tricks that came up. I had a midwife appointment that day where she also tried to induce labour herself. We also went over the options that I could do if it came down to going to the hospital to be induced. I told her that I wasn't going anymore then a week over. I couldn't wait any longer to meet Jackson. I remember being so excited, scared and happy.I would give anything to go back to that time. To feel him stretching into my rib cage. To have heartburn so bad that even the mildest of foods would bring it on. I would love to get up and pee 4 times in the night, wake up at 3:30am because my side was numb and I couldn't sleep. What I would give to drink castor oil thinking maybe that would help bring on labour. I would do anything to be pregnant, happy and thankful again. Instead, I am not pregnant, happy or thankful. I should be planning a birthday party not a rememberance. I should be buying up Toys R Us not crying everytime I hear happy birthday. In two weeks I have to relive the happiest day of my life without the one person who made it the happiest day of my life.

When is it my time...

After Jackson died I went back to work 22 days after it happened. I wish I could say I was ready but I can honestly say I was fooling myself into thinking that. I didn't have a choice at the time because Tim was laid off from his employer because there was no work. So the only choice I had was to go back or lose our house which I was clearly not ready to leave. Then Tim got a job and I was thinking about taking a leave of absence. Then my dog had to have a 450 dollar operation and then the other one had 250 dollar operation. So I thought well maybe I can just take a week off, but as I sit here my boyfriend has been off all week also because there is no work. I am anticipating that it could be for awhile. So again I get put on the back burner. I just want some time. Some time to not pretend that life is going good, to not pretend that everyday is a struggle. I feel like everytime I need to take a me vacation something always stands in my way, its so unfair and I don't know if anyone realizes how much I need the time. Why can't there be a way to do it without feeling guilty, without worry about bills. I wish that it was possible but right now its looking pretty impossible. So next week I will be painting the smile back on my face and going to work because that is all I can do.

Jelousy

I don't know but lately I have been feeling....well lost. I have even decided to go to a counseller. After talking to her she made me feel a little bit better. Saying that I am actually doing pretty good for a women who is going through as much as I am right now. We talked about my frusturation and saddness over not getting pregnant as quickly as I did the last time. She told me exactly what I could have told myself and that my mind and body are at the same level and that once they are I will probably get pregnant. I just have to be patient. Which is not something in my vocabulary as I have stated before.

It is hard though cause I remember that this time last year I was just about to start my maternity leave. I was big and I couldn't chase after the kids at the daycare anymore. I couldn't sit on the floor and play, I was worried I would break one of the little chairs and the heartburn and peeing all the time was getting pretty frequent. Now I go on to facebook (which is the worst invention ever but it does keep us all connected) everyone is pregnant, newly, almost done and just had their babies. Then jelousy rears its wicked head and I can't help it. I don't want to toot my own horn but I was a good pregnant woman. My mom and I spent way to much money on maternity clothes (how I miss elastic waist pants). I was all belly and nothing else, I was lucky and got to wear sandals for most of my late pregnancy so I never had to bend over and do up my shoes. My favourite part was having a built in table to set my food or drinks on. I loved being pregnant (the only reason I didn't at the end was because I just wanted to see Jackson...see patience not my strong point). I even got belly pictures done, which was amazing. Who wouldn't want to remember a time when you helped create a life, watched your belly grow and then at the end you get the most amazing present in the whole entire world. A little baby that you get to watch grow and amaze you ever step of the way.

Then there is me. I only got 4 months.

I'm an IPOD flicker

I know that they tell you in the IPOD instructions not to flick but I do. I flick because I have way to much music and I haven't got around to separate everything into playlists. I flick because I still have music I downloaded for Jackson (listening to sleepy music while driving is not safe). Sometimes when I get to Bob Marley I flick because I am not ready to listen to 3 little birds yet. Well I have been trying to help my best friend who is getting married find music for her wedding. I thought I would try Lady Antebellum. As I am driving this song comes up One Day you Will. I didn't make it through 2 versus before I was balling. With everything that I am going through with Jackson's death and trying to get pregnant I couldn't help but cry. Before I would have probably flicked it too. Now when I get to it, I let it play out because it lets me just get out what I hold in some days.

Lyrics to One Day You Will :
You feel like you’re falling backwards
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now

Chorus
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet

Repeat Chorus

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of

Repeat Chorus

One day you will
Oh one day you will

Strongly Worded Thank you card

Let my start by saying, that after Jackson died I was overwhelmed buy the outpouring of love and support from everyone. Food, flowers and in some cases money to help us financially. I mean who sets aside money for their child's funeral, espcially when they are only infants. I figured that thanks was pretty much an assumed in those cases, I believed that you should not have to send out Thank you cards for a funeral. I assumed wrong. After almost 8 months my mom asks me so were you planning on sending out a thank you card for (we will call her Beth). Now my mom only asked because someone kept asking her why they had not gotten a thank you card for the money they had sent. My mom understands where I am coming from and I hope that I can help others understand too.

I am not ungrateful in any capacity. I sent out probably close to 100 thank you cards to everyone for shower gifts and gifts that were bought for Jackson when he was born. To be quite honest I probably finished sending out the last 10 or so in the new year. When Jackson died, my world was shattered. I didn't care if my bills got paid let alone write 100 or so Thank You cards. Why should you write Thank You cards when something like this happens? Am I wrong in saying that. My mother in law put a add in the paper thanking everyone and hoped that it would be enough. Well it was not. So my mom went and got a thank you card and I signed with as much enthousiam as I could. "Thank you for your generosity. We appreciate it". Unfortunately that is not what I wanted to write. (Now for those of you reading this I appologize I am going through some stuff and this is how I vent)

Dear (Fill in the Blank)

I am so sorry that this has taken me so long to get to you. You would think with all the free time I have now not running around after an infant I could take two minutes to write you a Thank You card. I appologize. I guess I am taking the death of my son a little harder then expected, you know through the millions of tears I cry, waking up everyday only to slap a smile on my face and pretend that my life is just fantatstic. You know how it is. Oh wait you don't and unless you have lost a child you would never know how I am feeling. You would never ask why isn't my thank you card in the mail, because if this did happen to you, you would know that it takes every breath I take not breakdown every minute of every day of my life. Spending most of my waking hours wondering if he was alive what he would look like, what he would be saying or doing. Even wondering how the hell I am going to keep going on when all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and hope that it was all just a dream. So I hope this note finds you in good spirits because mine certainly not.
Love Lindsay

After writing the actual card I wondered are there others out there waiting for their cards. Now for those of you reading this who did give us stuff, please know that I do appreciate everything that you have done and keep doing for us. I just don't have it in me to do a proper one. To be honest if I was having a really bad day what you read above might be what you got in the mail. So to keep myself from doing that maybe someday you will get the proper ones in the mail.

Were you really real?

I remember when I looked at the pink plus sign, with my hand shaking....was it really real. I had to take 3 more just to make sure. I remember when the contractions started and I thought are these really real. When your daddy put you in my arms I thought were you really ours to keep. Then I watched you grow and roll, cry, and smile. I had a camera in your face everyday. I'm not sorry that I did. Now I look at those pictures and I think. Were you really real? 7 long months ago you were alive, but not so well. I have a picture of you the day before you died, I look at it and think there is no way that little boy was sick. I can't remember the way you smell, unless I go in your room. I am scared I will forget your face or how you skin felt. What I would give to hold you just one more time. The only thing I no for sure is real is the saddness and pain I feel everyday. I hate this feeling. I want it to go away. You are never forgotten Jackson. When I hear your name it makes me sad, but happy that people say it. You have touched so many lives and has brought many new people in to mommy's life that are going to help her get through this. People who are just like me. People who had to say goodbye to their babies too soon. I miss you everyday...I love you.

The Breakdown

Since Jackson has died I have probably cried a million tears. Some of them just come without me even realizing they are there. Some of them triggered by something said, or a memory. Luckily most of those tears have been with, family or friends, and most times in a safe place so I can let loose and not worry that someone thinks I am crazy. This time I couldn't control it. About a year a go friends of ours got engaged and shortly after started arranging their wedding. In December of last year, they asked Tim if would be in the wedding. I still remember the dinner, I had dressed Jackson up in his Christmas outfit, the bride to be was holding him. We were excited for them. In our heads we had already thought about Jackson being about 10 months and it would be a nice family vacation for us. Well as the story goes Jackson is not here with us this weekend. The day had already started sad when Tim picked up his key chain with their picture in it and put it in his pocket. We looked at eachother and cried. He was suppose to be here. The sadness for me didn't stop there. The niece of our friends birthday was yesterday. She was turning one. While sitting down to dinner everyone sang happy birthday. That was it. I couldn't leave the table fast enough. I even lost my shoe in the process. I walked as fast as I could to get away so no one could see me breakdown. Tim came after me and assured me that no one noticed. Which might have been a lie since the bride and groom came down to make sure we were ok. I know that breakdowns are going to happen, I just wish that sometimes I had a pause button so that I can go and cry somewhere and so that I don't have to explain where the tears come from.

Ready for a Rainbow

* This is my disclaimer. Please don't post any comments to this post. I need to vent and I don't want to hear about it. I don't want you to comment on my facebook, I don't want you to call me at home and talk about it. I don't want the good old punch on the shoulder that says "oh it will happen when it happens" I'm in a place right now I just want to be there for awhile. The only people that really deserve to comment on this are BLM's. All the rest of you don't know what I am going through and that is how it is right now.*

In my line of work you are constantly around families. Happy families that bring there happy, healthy, alive children to daycare. Some of them only children, some of them from families that have all of the chidlren they can handle and those families that are still multiplying. The girls I work with are women who are done having children, single, not ready to have children yet, some that are thinking about it....and me. The one who had a baby and doesn't anymore. The one who is trying to have another one...and it is not happening. The one who is now looking at other people around her ready to share the wonderful news that they are expecting their next child. When I hear the news so many mixed emotions fill my body. Happy, sad, jealous, angry and most of all worried.

I know that some women try for years to get pregnant only to stop trying and they get pregnant. I know the statistics. I have read all the research. I know I should be patient because we have only been officially trying for 3 months, but I worry. What if Jackson was it. What if he was the only child I was able to have. That was my chance to have a baby and he's gone. Last time it was easy. I was off the pill for 2 weeks and I was pregnant. I know someone is reading this and thinking, get over it, it took me 3 years to get pregnant. I'm sorry to those women. You are stronger then maybe I am.

I am ready. I am ready for my rainbow. I am ready to look and see a pink plus sign, double lines, or digital pregnant. I am ready.