I'm an IPOD flicker

I know that they tell you in the IPOD instructions not to flick but I do. I flick because I have way to much music and I haven't got around to separate everything into playlists. I flick because I still have music I downloaded for Jackson (listening to sleepy music while driving is not safe). Sometimes when I get to Bob Marley I flick because I am not ready to listen to 3 little birds yet. Well I have been trying to help my best friend who is getting married find music for her wedding. I thought I would try Lady Antebellum. As I am driving this song comes up One Day you Will. I didn't make it through 2 versus before I was balling. With everything that I am going through with Jackson's death and trying to get pregnant I couldn't help but cry. Before I would have probably flicked it too. Now when I get to it, I let it play out because it lets me just get out what I hold in some days.

Lyrics to One Day You Will :
You feel like you’re falling backwards
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now

Chorus
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet

Repeat Chorus

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of

Repeat Chorus

One day you will
Oh one day you will

Strongly Worded Thank you card

Let my start by saying, that after Jackson died I was overwhelmed buy the outpouring of love and support from everyone. Food, flowers and in some cases money to help us financially. I mean who sets aside money for their child's funeral, espcially when they are only infants. I figured that thanks was pretty much an assumed in those cases, I believed that you should not have to send out Thank you cards for a funeral. I assumed wrong. After almost 8 months my mom asks me so were you planning on sending out a thank you card for (we will call her Beth). Now my mom only asked because someone kept asking her why they had not gotten a thank you card for the money they had sent. My mom understands where I am coming from and I hope that I can help others understand too.

I am not ungrateful in any capacity. I sent out probably close to 100 thank you cards to everyone for shower gifts and gifts that were bought for Jackson when he was born. To be quite honest I probably finished sending out the last 10 or so in the new year. When Jackson died, my world was shattered. I didn't care if my bills got paid let alone write 100 or so Thank You cards. Why should you write Thank You cards when something like this happens? Am I wrong in saying that. My mother in law put a add in the paper thanking everyone and hoped that it would be enough. Well it was not. So my mom went and got a thank you card and I signed with as much enthousiam as I could. "Thank you for your generosity. We appreciate it". Unfortunately that is not what I wanted to write. (Now for those of you reading this I appologize I am going through some stuff and this is how I vent)

Dear (Fill in the Blank)

I am so sorry that this has taken me so long to get to you. You would think with all the free time I have now not running around after an infant I could take two minutes to write you a Thank You card. I appologize. I guess I am taking the death of my son a little harder then expected, you know through the millions of tears I cry, waking up everyday only to slap a smile on my face and pretend that my life is just fantatstic. You know how it is. Oh wait you don't and unless you have lost a child you would never know how I am feeling. You would never ask why isn't my thank you card in the mail, because if this did happen to you, you would know that it takes every breath I take not breakdown every minute of every day of my life. Spending most of my waking hours wondering if he was alive what he would look like, what he would be saying or doing. Even wondering how the hell I am going to keep going on when all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and hope that it was all just a dream. So I hope this note finds you in good spirits because mine certainly not.
Love Lindsay

After writing the actual card I wondered are there others out there waiting for their cards. Now for those of you reading this who did give us stuff, please know that I do appreciate everything that you have done and keep doing for us. I just don't have it in me to do a proper one. To be honest if I was having a really bad day what you read above might be what you got in the mail. So to keep myself from doing that maybe someday you will get the proper ones in the mail.

Were you really real?

I remember when I looked at the pink plus sign, with my hand shaking....was it really real. I had to take 3 more just to make sure. I remember when the contractions started and I thought are these really real. When your daddy put you in my arms I thought were you really ours to keep. Then I watched you grow and roll, cry, and smile. I had a camera in your face everyday. I'm not sorry that I did. Now I look at those pictures and I think. Were you really real? 7 long months ago you were alive, but not so well. I have a picture of you the day before you died, I look at it and think there is no way that little boy was sick. I can't remember the way you smell, unless I go in your room. I am scared I will forget your face or how you skin felt. What I would give to hold you just one more time. The only thing I no for sure is real is the saddness and pain I feel everyday. I hate this feeling. I want it to go away. You are never forgotten Jackson. When I hear your name it makes me sad, but happy that people say it. You have touched so many lives and has brought many new people in to mommy's life that are going to help her get through this. People who are just like me. People who had to say goodbye to their babies too soon. I miss you everyday...I love you.

The Breakdown

Since Jackson has died I have probably cried a million tears. Some of them just come without me even realizing they are there. Some of them triggered by something said, or a memory. Luckily most of those tears have been with, family or friends, and most times in a safe place so I can let loose and not worry that someone thinks I am crazy. This time I couldn't control it. About a year a go friends of ours got engaged and shortly after started arranging their wedding. In December of last year, they asked Tim if would be in the wedding. I still remember the dinner, I had dressed Jackson up in his Christmas outfit, the bride to be was holding him. We were excited for them. In our heads we had already thought about Jackson being about 10 months and it would be a nice family vacation for us. Well as the story goes Jackson is not here with us this weekend. The day had already started sad when Tim picked up his key chain with their picture in it and put it in his pocket. We looked at eachother and cried. He was suppose to be here. The sadness for me didn't stop there. The niece of our friends birthday was yesterday. She was turning one. While sitting down to dinner everyone sang happy birthday. That was it. I couldn't leave the table fast enough. I even lost my shoe in the process. I walked as fast as I could to get away so no one could see me breakdown. Tim came after me and assured me that no one noticed. Which might have been a lie since the bride and groom came down to make sure we were ok. I know that breakdowns are going to happen, I just wish that sometimes I had a pause button so that I can go and cry somewhere and so that I don't have to explain where the tears come from.

Ready for a Rainbow

* This is my disclaimer. Please don't post any comments to this post. I need to vent and I don't want to hear about it. I don't want you to comment on my facebook, I don't want you to call me at home and talk about it. I don't want the good old punch on the shoulder that says "oh it will happen when it happens" I'm in a place right now I just want to be there for awhile. The only people that really deserve to comment on this are BLM's. All the rest of you don't know what I am going through and that is how it is right now.*

In my line of work you are constantly around families. Happy families that bring there happy, healthy, alive children to daycare. Some of them only children, some of them from families that have all of the chidlren they can handle and those families that are still multiplying. The girls I work with are women who are done having children, single, not ready to have children yet, some that are thinking about it....and me. The one who had a baby and doesn't anymore. The one who is trying to have another one...and it is not happening. The one who is now looking at other people around her ready to share the wonderful news that they are expecting their next child. When I hear the news so many mixed emotions fill my body. Happy, sad, jealous, angry and most of all worried.

I know that some women try for years to get pregnant only to stop trying and they get pregnant. I know the statistics. I have read all the research. I know I should be patient because we have only been officially trying for 3 months, but I worry. What if Jackson was it. What if he was the only child I was able to have. That was my chance to have a baby and he's gone. Last time it was easy. I was off the pill for 2 weeks and I was pregnant. I know someone is reading this and thinking, get over it, it took me 3 years to get pregnant. I'm sorry to those women. You are stronger then maybe I am.

I am ready. I am ready for my rainbow. I am ready to look and see a pink plus sign, double lines, or digital pregnant. I am ready.

A year since....

Last weekend while sitting at a friends wedding shower watching her open gifts, smiling and laughing. I couldn't help but remember that it had been a year since I too was smiling and laughing while opening my baby shower gifts. The first of three to be exact. Jackson was spoiled by everyone and he wasn't even close to coming into the world yet. I remember thinking what am I going to do with all these sleepers. Now they sit in buckets, labelled with the sizes, maybe never to be worn by another. The beginning of October will be a year since I went on Maternity leave. Now instead of making a spot for Jackson at the daycare, I wonder if Jackson would be the same size as the new babies starting. Would he have been friends with them? Would I be harrassing the baby teachers to come get me if he did anything important.
A year ago people were asking me if I was ready to finally have Jackson. Was I excited or nervous, was I going to get an epidural or try and deal with the pain. Now people ask me how I am doing, and that they are thinking of me even if they don't always say it. The biggest thing is that it will be his birthday. I know your probably thinking but Lindsay its 2 months away but November 2nd will be here in the blink of an eye. They already are putting Halloween decorations and costumes in the flyers which is reminder that its really not the far away.

5 months since you have been gone

Normally you count how old your children get. When they are born you count by weeks, then by months and then eventually years. No one ever counts the days, months or years its been since your child's death. Maybe its because we are never suppose to. I haven't thought about how long it has been since Jackson died, until today. August 2nd we should have been celebrating his 9 months, instead it made me realize that it has been 5 months since February 28th. I can't believe that 5 months has gone by since that day, I guess time flys when your living in a daze. I can honestly say I don't know what has happened in these last 5 months. I look forward to my weekends where my boyfriend tries and gets me to do something other then sit inside. Lately it seems everyone is out with their babies, which makes it harder. Me always wondering if that is what Jackson would be doing. Would his hair have changed colour or still be red? Would his mohawk still be in tact? Even last night when we went out for dinner 4 huge families sat around us. One with a baby and another with 3 boys. I jelously watched wishing that Jackson was sitting in a high chair with us, making us laugh. Instead we try not to make eye contact with other people trying to hide how sad we are that were eating alone. Eventually I hope that I will be able to work through this but in the mean time we should wait until the cold weather keeps everyone else inside.

Milestones and Memories

You wouldn't believe me if I told you and some people shake their heads when I tell them the sad but true story. Last July I got a very excited call from my mother, saying that the baby in my belly was going to have a playmate. Slightly blonde and with my preggo brain I couldn't quite figure it out. Then finally the light bulb went off and I realized that my sister was also pregnant. I was so excited because my sister and I are only 17 months apart so that would mean our boys (which would find out later) would only be 4ish months apart. We were very excited because we were so close we thought for sure our boys would be too.

Fast forward to February 28th...I had to tell my then 9 months pregnant sister that her nephew had died. Together we fell apart. The dreams and wishes that we had made over the last couple months were gone. During the funeral she started getting some cramps which she kept saying were because her stomach hurt. Even though I told her to rush home just in case she was having contractions she took her time and didn't get home until 12 hours later. March 7th my nephew was born....exactly a week after Jackson had died. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to hold him or even look at him because I was scared I would break down. When I held him I cried because I knew that he would never get to know his cousin, I cried because I wasn't sure if I would be able to love him as much as I should. I know at first everyone would compare the things he did to what Jackson had already done. Now he is almost 5 months and he is reaching milestones that Jackson never will. He is even getting his first tooth.

I can't say that its easy to read about all the milestones he is reaching, when I only have my memories. I try my hardest to be as invovled in his life as I can somethings are easier then others but my sister understands. That is the good thing about sisters.

Living the Dream???

I remember when Jackson was born people use to tell me you have the perfect life...your living the dream. Today when I was at work in sleep room (yes it is a dark room with sleepy music for the children) my mind floated. I started to think maybe I was just living a dream. I sometimes think was Jackson real? Was I pregnant at all? Have I been just sleeping for the last year and I am going to wake up and its not going to be real. Then I come home. That's when I realize it wasn't a dream at all. In a years time I was pregnant, said hello to Jackson and then 4 short months later I had to say goodbye. The sad thing is sometimes the only thing that gets me through is that I know I am not the only one in this. There are many men and women out there who have had to say goodbye to their children way to early. I realize now that sometimes dreams change and I have also changed. I no longer feel guilty for things that I use to. I am ready to tell people how I feel and if they don't like it well sucks for them. People are just going to have to accept the new me. I am going to start making new plans the way I want them to be and not what others want them to be. I wasn't like that when Jackson was alive and I regret some things I did or didn't do. I am going to start living for me, for Tim, for my children to someday come and especially for Jackson.

Poems

A friend that I went to college with just sent me a website to look at because it had some great poems. There were two that I read and thought were so honest and true and wanted to share them with others.

"My Mom is a Survivor"

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
as I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
for no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

Here is a nice one for Dad too.

My Dad is a Survivor

My dad is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.
My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.