Leila is here.

Well she has been here for 6 weeks. Leila was born July 12th, and was 9'10, which I was surprised because Marleigh was the same weight and she didn't seem even close to that. Marleigh has gone through a couple of transitions from loving Leila to not liking her and then loving her again. I understand that going from getting all the attention to sharing with a baby who seems to get mommy's attention a lot is hard. Marleigh wants to be sitting on my lap when Leila is nursing, not beside me but basically on top of Leila. I have tried getting her snacks or putting on her favourite show so she is distracted. Nursing was tricky with Leila at first, as she was tongue tied, I kept getting clogged milk ducts and was becoming quite painful. She has since got her tongue clipped so now we are a little more smooth sailing. The C-section went well. After a week I was like I am not sure if I can do this again. Now 6 weeks later I don't even remember the pain. One more time and then I think we are done. I was worried about having another girl but so far it has been awesome. All of Marleigh's clothes fit Leila so I currently only need to shop for Marleigh because the next year Leila can wear her clothes. This week is very bittersweet. Leila is 6 weeks, Marleigh is 16 months and Jackson would have been on his way to school. I can't even believe I have child that would be a going to school. I wish every day he was here to help keep Marleigh company while I do stuff with Leila. Leila looks so much like Jackson, they have to same eyes and are the same body type. She sleeps much better then he did but I will never know if that was just him or because of his heart condition. Well my free time is up and I have a hungry little girl who is going to need lunch soon.

Happy Birthday Marleigh!

A year has gone by and I can hardly believe it. I feel like yesterday I was nervously awaiting for my c-section. Now she is walking, eating table food and talking. She will not let you snuggle her unless she has just woken up or sleepy. Any other time look out because she is on the go and she doesn't like being held back. I know all mom's feel their child is the smartest most amazing child but I am just so amazed by her. Even when she throws a tantrum its amazing that such small person knows how throw herself on the ground and roll around screaming. Unfortunately mommy has been trained by numerous other children and just walks away after moving everything out of the way that she might hurt herself on. I know most parents don't make a huge deal on birthdays let alone 1st ones but I feel like I probably did. I made sure she had balloons when she woke up and her daddy made her birthday pancakes and she got her cake smash photos done today too. I even made her a tutu to match her birthday shirt. I think I will always try and make birthdays a little more special. Today I hope was a little special for her...even if she doesn't remember.

April 2013

April is a big month in our family. In a week I will be 25 weeks. So I only have 14 (since I have to have another c-section) weeks left until we meet this little one. Marleigh is growing like a weed. She is a part time walker but everyday she is taking more and more steps. She is eating everything! Whatever we put in front of her she gobbles it up and so far has only disliked my meatloaf....her father also doesn't like it so I guess its off the menu. We have tried eggs she likes them also. Once she gets over this cold we are going to start the transition to homo milk (my wallet can't wait) and maybe even peanut butter (I am very nervous about that). She has 7 teeth and is working on another one (oh teething I hate you). She loves to climb, she is a better climber then she is a walker currently. She is smart. I know all moms say that but when I ask her where Jackson is she always looks up to his picture and smiles (which always makes me smile). She is a big daddy's girl which is good because when this new baby comes and needs me for the first couple of months she might not even notice. I can't believe its almost been a year since she was born. I realize how much we missed out with Jackson and how much we savour every little moment she gives us. This year has had its bumps and I don't think I will ever not worry that something might happen but now I don't have a breakdown everytime she has a sniffle or a cough. Probably once this baby is born I will be so busy I won't have time to worry anymore. Once this month is done the countdown is on for baby number 3.

12 weeks

12 weeks is a long time. For some woman who have had a miscarrage it feels like forever to make it to that twelve weeks. I remember with Marleigh I thought I would never mentally make it to 12 weeks. Every twinge or pain made me think this was it I'm losing this baby too. Everytime I went to the bathroom I would check to see if there was blood. I took my temperature until I was 7 weeks because I knew as long as my temperature was high I was safe. I finally stopped taking it after I was making myself completely stressed out. I remember with Jackson I went from not pregnant to 12 weeks without even batting an eye. I didn't even wait until I was 12 weeks before I told everyone we were expecting. The only time I felt I was waiting for something was at the end when he was 11 days overdue. Well I am currently 13 weeks 4 days. I wish that I could say that this 12 weeks went by like a breeze but I would be lying. From the start I had spotting. The doctor said as long as it stayed brown in colour not to worry but if becomes red to come into the office or go to hospital. At 6 weeks 6 days I woke up to red bleeding and went straight to the hospital. I thought that was it. I lost another baby. I cried the whole way to the hospital and cried while in triage. The wonderful ER nurse said to not worry because they have women coming in with all sorts of bleeding and it doesn't always mean a miscarrage. I prayed she was right. The doctor came in and checked me with a ultra sound and found the baby safe and sound. Another ultra sound showed I had a small hematoma. At 9 weeks I met with my midwife and she was able to find the heartbeat and at 13 weeks we got our 2nd ultra sound and saw our baby. This pregnancy so far has been extremely tiring, my husband and daughter have been tag teaming the cold and flu season. Everytime I see a glimmer of wellness between the two of them they pick something else up. Knock on wood I haven't had anything myself. My husband says I am the rock. I think its because I have worked in daycare for so long I have already picked up all sickness. I am hoping to make it to June working and then take a month off to spend with Marleigh before I have another baby. Tim is really wanting to find out what the baby is because we have stuff for both a girl and boy. I am not sure how I will make it another 27 weeks not finding out but I will do my best. I will have to have another c-section which will probably be about a week before my due date which is July 20th. So 13 weeks down 27 more to go.

6 months, where has the time gone

I am a horrible blogger. Although with a 6 month old who is a little independant monkey I sometimes don't have the time. Currently she is trying to get out of her play tube and pull things off the table. Ummmmmmm is this what a 6 month old should be doing? She is getting her own personality and its big and wild and hilarious. She has started eating cereal and were slowing incorporating other foods. She loves sweet potatoes, and green beans and oddly enough hates bananas, like makes the most disgusted face and actually gagged the one day. She will hopefully be my little veggie eater. Her hair absolutely needs a trim but I am holding off, even though it also has a personality of its own. She is cute enough that she can pull off bed head, me not so much. Next week I return to work and she is coming with me. I am excited to have somewhere to go everyday (although I'm sure those nights that she decides to get up I won't be). I am nervous because I have never had to get myself and someone else out the door in the morning. I am a little crazy about baby organization so I usually have everything done the night before. Plus I can bring her to work in her pj's and get her ready at work if I have to. The joys of being and ECE teacher in the infant room. Last night she made the decision to sleep in her own bed, and by that I mean we put her in her bed while she settled and just passed out. She actually did that a lot, popping her soother back in and falling asleep. I just wish she would sleep on her back, but she is getting over a cold and it seems to help with her cough. I guess that was my sign that she is ready to move into her bed. Everyday is a new adventure with her, I can only imagine what Jackson might have been like at this age too. I think about him so much lately. When I see a 3 year old I wonder if he would be that big and would he love having a little sister. My nephew was playing with another 3 year old boy at a party recently and he squealed because he was so excited to have another boy to play with, it broke my heart that Jackson wasn't here to play with him. In a couple of weeks we will be celebrating his 3rd birthday, its hard to believe that I should have a little 3 year old running around. This year we are going away again for his birthday and hope that the rain clears so we can enjoy some hikes with our (new to us) backpack carrier. This year Marleigh will have to send a balloon to him too.

Day 10 - Symbol

I know this is weird but I love snow, it makes me happy and somehow makes me feel closer to my son. He was born in November but the time we spent was during the snowy winter months.

Day 9 - Special Place

On Jackson's first birthday we wanted to get away and relax and not have to listen to the phone ring or have people knocking on our door to make sure we were ok. So we went away. We decided to get away to Algonquin Park. My husband and I had never been. When we arrived at the cottage it had snowed and was so beautiful and peaceful. Now we try to go back every year.

Day 8 - Jewelry

Day 7 - What to say

There is nothing better then when people ask about Jackson or even just for people to call him by name. That makes me heart sing.

Day 6 - What not to say

There are so many things. I have been lucky in the sense that my family has never said anything about "getting over it" or "the new baby will help" or the best "I know what you have been through". Probably the worst thing someone has said in my presence was "oh I'm sure Lindsay has tons of boys stuff she would probably sell you". First of all it was not so much as 3 months after I lost my son but second the only little boy that is going to wear or touch his stuff is his younger brother.